My father was diagnosed with vascular dementia in early 2023 (although looking back we realize he was having issues back in 2021). He went into a rehab hospital due to falling too many times and then directly to a memory care facility. He passed away on 6/16. During this period I took all of my PTO in 2023 visiting him 4/5 days in the hospital/memory care facility, I usually carry over 40 hours). Other stressors in 2024 were putting my 16 year old dog to sleep, and then my dad passing.
I moved in with my mother to help with her rent and to assist her. I went from a 2B/2Ba to a 1B, living in a room that is the size of my old office (this room has a small desk with 3 monitors and a laptop, a queen size bed, and barely any room to move). I can barely get to my closet and half of my bed has clothes on it. My mother still hasn't done anything with my dad's clothes and initially I understood, but now I'm angry with her because of it. Because I could then put some of my stuff in there. I'm starting to hate my life. I mean really hate it. I admit I cry a lot, my work has been affected and now I'm extremely stressed about that. I still miss my dog, and of course my dad. My mother needs help because she didn't take care of herself last year and now needs PT and OT. But she doesn't do the therapy she should be. I mistakenly used money from my 401k to help with the memory care facility because we were supposed to get money from the VA but even though my dad was approved, he died after I sent in the fiduciary letter and so I was told different things they need. I feel we won't get the money and therefore I am out of luck with my 401k.
I'm sorry this is so long. I just feel that once my mother goes and after her dog goes (who I will of course take care of), I don't care if I die, and kind of hoping I do. I am so miserable, and I can tell my health is being affected.
I will call EAP tomorrow, though. My own auto immune issue flared up earlier and my meds were increased because of it. So this is affecting my health and work. I realize I have to make changes.
That was the sweetest thing I've read in a while, thanks for that!! 😞🙏
You are allowed to make different decisions than the ones you have currently made.
You do NOT have to stay in the situation you are in.
Decide where you would like to live. Decide where your mother will live.
Make one step per day to achieve these goals.
My mother lived with us for 6 weeks. I became bed-bound from the stress.
The kind people here told me that I was allowed to make different decisions moving forward. I had thought that I was stuck with the decision that I had made to move her in. I wasn’t.
What one step can you take TODAY, to change your life for the better?
Repeat the question tomorrow. Take one step then. Repeat.
Regarding your wardrobe space, I’d suggest that you take out D’s clothes and put them on HER bed. She has had nearly 6 months to realise that D won’t need them any more. She is only able to ignore the problem because she doesn’t have to look at them. She’ll cry, but she needs to do it. It will also make it clear to her that this current arrangement HAS TO STOP. You can’t and won’t do it permanently.
A counselor will help you to think about where you go next with your life. But small steps for you will help M as well to think about her own future, which will help both of you. Good luck!
She has fallen twice and is getting therapy, but she cant take her dog out for walks, so I need to do that. It helps me with the loss of my dog and I don't mind it.
I think I will call my company's EAP line tomorrow and see what assistance I can get. Thank you for the advice.
You have so much going on here I don't know where to begin.
Do you have a therapist, I true think you need one.
You are burntout. I've been there didn't care if I lived or not. Dead inside some days and some days wishing for it. I promise you, things can get better. You need to figure out a plan to move out , move on with your life, can mom go into an AL? Without spending a penny of your money. Please don't do that anymore.
Long term caregiving, can cause PTSD.
As far as you mom not getting rid of your dad's clothes, for some it's harder than others, but if your paying have of everything you deserve more space.
I'm wondering how old your mom is, if she has any cognitive decline going on. As far as your mom not taking care of herself, she is aging, and most likely depressed also, more than like a lot of age related aches and pains.
I'm deeply sorry about your Dad and you dog. 🙏😞
That's all I can think of to say right now.
I would say she is depressed as well. My parent's anniversary is 12/22 so this time of year is not going to be easy. And I understand her not wanting to get rid of any of my dad's stuff, but I do need to let her know how it's impacting my life. I have to start making some decisions.
You are severely depressed it sounds like, and yet you keep digging a deeper pit.
Please get help and guidance from a GOOD cognitive therapist or a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice and specializing in life transitions.
And to be honest you are dealing with unavoidable life transitions here, which you aren't helping but making worse. And I hope before getting options and guidance you don't make any more rash decisions about moving and expenditures, because you really could be working yourself toward dire circumstances by your choices. And to repeat, you are not helping anyone. No one her is the happier for your actions.
Please see an expert for expert advice. (Warning: do not do any of that online therapy nonsense. They are paid very little and worth less).
I am sorry about your losses, but your Dad and your mom have had good long lives. As did your sweet dog (they are such a comfort and I am so sad you lost your dog).
Please get help for yourself. You have spent money you will need for your own aging. I don't know if you are currently working but you are going to need to have to do that in order that you do not end up old with no means to get care for yourself.
I do currently work, I'm 60 and already thought I would retire around 70, like my mom did. But now I HAVE to. I think that since my mom got a small amount from my dads life insurance policy, I'm going to have her use that for bills for the next few months, and therefore work on my 401k.
I have no kids, so the only person I worry about is my mom. I have gotten a lot of good advice and will be contacting my company's EAP assistance tomorrow. And maybe take several days off in the next week or so.