I am doing all I can for my mother. I visit her every other day. I talk to her countless times during the day, just so she can talk to someone or complain to. I cook and take her food, meds, clothes, etc. How do you deal with all of the complaining? I am an only and no kids. Wonderful husband that I don't want to have to deal with this since he had something similar with his mother. My mother constantly says she needs someone. I tell her I would hire someone but that won't work. I tell her to move to a very nice AL but that won't work for her. Just complains and miserable. She use to be so active until a year ago. She just gave up. She hates being 88. She is always saying she wants to be someone else. She has stopped living, basically. She wants to, but her brain just won't let her. Her memory is great. She does her own checkbook. It makes her very upset but does it. I sit with her. She won't turn it over to me. She reminds me of stuff I need to do. I think depression or severe anxiety. She won't take meds that her doctor has prescribed. Anyone else out there dealing with similar? Thanks for listening.
But the constant negativity is so hard to listen to. Lately my end of the conversation is like "yep, uh huh, jeez, that's rough ma" etc. I'm pretty checked out when it starts in. I felt guilty for awhile being so detached. But there is such a thing as compassion fatigue and I realized I was there. Used up, worn out, burnt out. I'm trying to figure out how to restore myself with daily meditation, finding at least three things a day to be grateful for and writing them down. Complimenting random strangers, letting a-holes cut ahead of me in traffic and smiling instead of a rude gesture. Little things. I'm a work in progress.
"That's so sad mom, I can see how you would feel that way".
"Yes, I see how that's a problem".
In presenting solutions, you are giving her the opportunity to say "no".
Empathizing with the feeling bats the ball into HER court. She needs to come up with a workable plan that doesn't involve you giving up your life.
Some people seem to enjoy being unhappy; her happiness is NOT your responsibility.
Anyway, I digress. Mother dear has lived in Assisted Living now since 2014 when I had to place her and Dad there after he fell and broke his hip. He died 10 months later, sadly, but mother is going strong like the Energizer Bunny, now living in Memory Care with moderate dementia and about 100 other issues, both real and imagined.
In order for me to maintain MY sanity, I limit my contact with her toxicity. I call her once a day at 8:10 pm and visit once a week. When the carrying on gets too bad, we leave. "We" meaning my poor husband and I, since I refuse to visit alone as she is MUCH worse without a buffer. My husband invented a code word to use when her behavior gets bad and my voice starts to rise in volume: bananas. If he utters that word, I immediately shut up. If things calm down, we stay. If she continues the tirade, we get up and leave.
Why are you subjecting yourself to this woman so frequently??? Ask yourself that question and if you enjoy punishment. If the answer is no, then devise a plan to save YOURSELF. Because she, I'm afraid, is beyond saving and chooses to be miserable. As my husband says, some people love misery SO much they meet it half way. You cannot fix your mother's life, you do not have that power, my friend. Relieve yourself of the burden and let her wallow in the misery of her own making. It is not your job, or your lot in life, to make HER happy. Take care of YOU and your dear husband, who needs to come first.
Your mother has lived her life. You are still living yours. If you make her misery the focus of your life, that's TWO lives destroyed for no good reason.
Best of luck setting down boundaries and sticking to them.
I am 85, so I am on the other end of it. I try to keep busy and have something positive to talk about. I was asked to come back to work a couple of days this year and I can talk about that. I don't think they will ask me next summer because they have a good crew now. I volunteer with the Sheriff's Department and I can always talk about that without compromising people's privacy. I am going downhill like everyone else my age, and I know sometimes I slip and complain, but I need to read posts like this to keep reminding me to not be a "Debbie Downer".
Last, remember LINCOLN FREED THE SLAVES. If you stick around and listen to the complaining, you are a volunteer not a slave. Leave, even if you go outside and sit on the curb.
Don’t you think some complaints come from boredom? I do. How can they not be bored if they can no longer do what they used to due to ailing health?
That said, I don't understand why you feel guilty. What have you done wrong?
It sounds like you need to learn to accept that this is your mother now. It took my husband and me a while to accept that this is how his dad is now. Being miserable is a choice. You cannot get your mother to choose differently just like we cannot get my FIL to choose joy/gratitude/contentment. He has made his choices and he must live with the consequences i.e. fewer and shorter visits.
Step back from being your mother's sounding board. The more she complains, the more she will want to complain. It's a cycle. There's a whole philosophy surrounding complaining that says complaining makes things WORSE because it decreases the likelihood of taking positive action.
She's never made close friends, never made an attempt to know my kids (her grandkids) and remained superficial for as long as I can remember.
At first I tried to jump to every whim, problem, need, etc but through the eyes of my wife realized that I was being manipulated by her.
Listening to her talk is all about what's wrong, what's not right, stupid workers, Trump....well you get it and it drives me insane to continuously say, "uh-huh, I understand, there's nothing I can do."
I've distanced myself from her as much as possible. I'm not an only child, but my sibling has really, really distanced herself from the situation... so I'm it. I call once a week, visit when I need to bring supplies over, and have thankfully called in hospice care which has taken an incredible burden off of me, including reducing the ER visits to ZERO (they were almost weekly).
I think what I've really had a hard time with is not just the negativity, but the judgement that I receive from others who know nothing of the situation and why I'm not there all the time (Mom's in AL). I get comments all the time from the receptionist or others such as, "oh you didn't stay long" or "wow that was quick" to "we haven't seen you in a while." I've chosen to not let the comments bother me now, but at first I considered it a judgement on me as a son.
So, in short, I get what you're going through believe me. And even if you're not an only child it can feel like it. I am taking the situation as a learning lesson of who I do NOT want to be when I get to be her age and what I DON'T want to do to my kids. :-)
I always said I wanted them to dress me up and I'll sit around with my jewels on. HA HA
You need to develop some of this attitude. You cannot solve your mother's issue alone and sometimes there is no resolution available at all. Accept it and learn the selectively listen and/or ignore a certain level/volume of complaints.
You may want to also give some thought to how much of your behavior is enabling. Are you really helping the situation by supporting Mom remaining in her home when she really needs AL? Maybe pulling a back a bit would allow Mom to realize she needs AL, or maybe not since a lot of times the AL rejection is emotional and not logical.
For you both.
But one day it dawned on me, that she was going to complain . . . .about something. That's just her personality, maybe it always was -- I wasn't around as much when I was raising my family. And it doesn't matter - it's her personality now.
So, I don't fix things or change myself anymore. She complained about my whistling along to the radio in the car (not to me, to her daughter). When it was brought to my attention, I told SIL that I would keep doing it, not loudly or annoyingly by any means, but there was no need to stop, MIL would just have to look for something else to complain about - heck, I'm doing her a favor by providing the topic of complaining for the day ;) LOL
I think the only thing you can do, is to try to distance yourself some -- and being the only child, that will be hard! But you have got to protect your own mental health too. As you pointed out, this could go on for two decades -- and you will not make it through that much complaining. Try to remember, for her, complaining is like you and I talking about the weather -- it's just her conversation. Try, try, try not to get wound up in it. Acknowledge, deflect and move on.