So, I wrote a question a couple of months back about the hell that my family has put me through with the caregiving of my grandmother. Recently I’ve come up financially (enough to get a new start on my own) & I’ve sort of voiced to my grandmother about leaving home (probably in a few months). Every time I do this though, she ends up trying to dissuade me or she gets silent about the matter, this leads me to feeling guilty, but I just want to start my life elsewhere & not look back 10-20 years from now with regrets. I’ve given my grandmother the last seven years of being her driver, taking her to her doctors appointments, etc. & all I want now is to step onto the back burner & let her 4 able bodied children step up to the plate.
At the end of the day in my personal life, I just turned 25, I’m still suffering with depression, anxiety, & waking up everyday going into a job that I hate, & now I really wanna do something for me, but I’m just afraid that leaving my grandmother will lead to her resenting the person that she depends on the most (me).
Lastly, I know it sounds very narcissistic, but the way that my aunt always asks “Well why can’t J——- do this or that?” and she always implies along with the other 2 of her children that I do NOTHING around the house when they know nothing about their own mother’s day-to-day life. I want to up and leave them to taking care of her on a day-to-day basis & see everything that I do for her.
At the end of the day, I do/would feel a sense of guilt just up and leaving my grandmother, but I want to experience a better mental/physical & emotional environment/safe space for myself.
One thing that I am sure you will do, visit grandma and stay in touch through calls, cards, and other ways. This is what adults do.
What you are setting out to do is what we all do when we launch. It's hard for everyone in the beginning, including younger parents. It brings so very much change and that is always a bit challenging. People adjust and find ways to cope, they don't stop you from leaving.
I would do a letter that is addressed to all of her children, explaining that you will be moving out on x date, these are the activities that you currently do for their mom, hourly, daily, weekly, monthly. With as much detail as you can give. Then, if you are staying in the area, tell them what you are willing to continue, don't offer to much, you want to be able to show up and visit with grandma and not have work. Maybe something monthly.
Finish it by stating that you know they don't really get how much help is provided and you wanted to give them the courtesy of putting it all in writing so they can sort out how they will keep grandma propped up.
Love, hugs, kisses and best of luck aunties and uncles. Rom
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Grandma taking you in when your mom died didn't make you obligated to give her your entire adult life.
"I’ve given my grandmother the last seven years of being her driver, taking her to her doctors appointments, etc'.
What a beautiful, generous gift.
"I'm just afraid that leaving my grandmother will lead to her resenting the person that she depends on the most (me)".
Please let this go. How your Grandmother thinks is up to her. It's not within your control. Yes it would be lovely if she was appreciative of your gift & said so, but others' thoughts are just that. Other people's thoughts. Shrug to them. They see the world differently to you. That's ok.
"aunt always asks “Well why can’t J——- do this or that?”
That's a *hook" statement. Recognise them as they are thrown your way. Hooks to catch you & reel you back in. That's aunt trying to manipulate you. It's worked so far, so she keeps it up.
Basically, you being the driver, carer etc works for everyone so well. (Everyone but you that is). So everyone will try to guilt, shame, hook & reel you back in any way they can. Because it makes their life easier.
Have you ever tried some counselling? It can assist seeing the family patterns. Recognising the hooks & manipulation. Assist you to find your voice. An assertive young person who can say yes or no - as an adult to other adults. You can do it!
No guilt, no fear, no regret, just move on with joy and gusto now, my friend.
And leave the care & management of grandma to her CHILDREN, where it's always belonged. Your aunties will find out in short order all that's REALLY involved in caregiving! Snicker.
Best of luck.
That quote made my day! 💪
I want that on a coffee mug or t-shirt too!
You tell Grandma what you're doing but put it in positive terms. "I'm excited to go do ____, and I'm sure you're excited for me." (That sort of thing.) You tell her positive things, and you don't ask her if she approves. You make the assumption that she does, and it puts her in an awkward spot to say otherwise.
Reassure her that you'll be in touch frequently, her ever-so-capable children will be there at her beck and call, and she'll be safe and cared for.
Then go live your life without guilt.
Grandmom needs to realize that you need a life of your own outside her home. Like one of her children, she has to let you fly from the nest, You need to mature and grow and you can't do it living with her. Tell her at 25 a lot of people have married and started families. Tell her you feel its time for her daughter and her children to start helping. That you aren't leaving her but you are stretching your wings. She will not be forgotten, you will visit.
Its also not fair that the rest of the family feels this is your obligation but not theirs. But this is not uncommon. You need to live for you.
The rest of the family may be mad, but that is because they now have to do the caring. It is hard work and until you are doing it, no one knows exactly how hard it is.
I would have and share a plan so they are ready for your departure. I would be honest and straightforward and focus on yourself and what you need to achieve, not what they will now need to do.
Good luck!
When you have a definitive date for when you will be leaving tell your grandmother. Then the ball is in her court to choose if she'll discuss the matter with you or if she will have you helping to make new caregiver arrangements for her. If she chooses not to discuss it with you and goes silent, you leave anyway. Let her other four adult children work it out. Don't allow yourself to be talked into staying if she tries that. Tell her that you're an adult and want to start living an adult life. Then you go. If there's any guilt here it doesn't belong to you. Don't use guilt as an excuse to stay in the situation. If you have a realistic exit plan that is workable, take it. Let grandmother and her four adult kids divide that guilt up equally among themselves for the position they put you in. It belongs to them, not you. You've been living in the drudgery of elderly caregiving and under the thumb of the elder you care for since you were a teenager while they got off scot-free. Offering some help and assistance to an elderly family member (if you can) out of love and respect is right, but no one your age should have the full responsibility of a needy elderly person and everything that comes with it.
That misery is for people my age and up. You're supposed to be enjoying life at your age.
No matter what, you have the full right to leave and create a better future for yourself. But perhaps we can do it in a way that won't make your grandma so sad. maybe you can tell her that you're going out to become a better person, and you'll still stay in touch through phone calls, or something like that.[Only if it works for you.]
And regarding your aunts, I have a strong feeling that if you just disappear, they'll be raging at you, but it will be too bad on them. You'll be gone and they'll be forced to step up to the plate.
Wishing you lots of luck on your new journey. Just keep me posted!
P.S. It's always good to have an older, clever friend who can guide you with good advice in every part of your life. I have one such a friend, you have no idea how much this woman has helped me. I wouldn't manage without her.
love ya Rom! God should guide you in the right direction.
Best wishes, Belle
The rightful owners of the guilt are the grandmother and her four adult children. They do absolutely nothing and take zero responsibility for her care. The grandmother takes zero responsibility for herself. She had an obligation to herself to put some kinds of arrangements in place for her old age. All too often elderly people think their family will be their old age care plan and that is wrong.
It was easier for everyone all around to make the OP the 'Designated Caregiver' and dump all the responsibility of needy, elderly grandma on him. Then criticize how little he does for her and refuse payment to him. That's disgusting and the grandmother's adult kids should be ashamed of themselves.