Feeling isolated; can a pen pal alleviate my loneliness?

I'd be careful.

There are some people who cannot be only friends and confidants with the opposite sex, without getting sexually involved, mentally or physically. Then of course there are the catfishers, the scammers, and the people from another country who want to befriend you just because of citizenship.

You are at a very vulnerable time of your life.

Are both of you living in Assisted Living or in a senior community? That might be an option as many of these communities have activities that bring seniors together.

Do you live in a decent sized city? What kind of interests do you have? Look on the internet and facebook for groups that have that same interest. They might have face-to-face activities as well as remote activities that you can participate in. One of the groups I'm in, meets face to face only for events (about 3-4 times a year) and the rest of the time, does everything else through zoom, chat or email.

How about volunteering? I personally have found it difficult after moving to another city, to actually find volunteer positions and then stay with them. You might be able to volunteer with a church and not be a member of the church. So far, that one is the most satisfying to me and I'm not a member of the church.

Try to find the Office of Aging in your community. Most of the people that help out that agency are volunteers. We do presentations (remote and in-person), become pen pals to elementary school children, help out at booths, counselors, etc. AARP also utilizes a lot of volunteers in their programs.

Who will take care of your wife if you are gone for two hours or so? Your profile indicates that your wife is starting to require more assistance. Maybe the first step is to look into caregiving services so that you can at least be "off the clock" to free you to go do something else outside your home. As my mother's dementia progressed, it was nearly impossible for me to do anything other than tend to her when I was in the same house as her. She needed a lot of assistance and no longer could understand the TV or read a book, so I was the source of "entertainment".

...and yes, my mother exhibited the same behavior as your wife....great with most others, mean and nasty to me 50% of the time.

I feel for you. There are many people going though this same dilemma.

Me too. Same situation. I have no family either. And had to give up my business to take care of my wife.

Perhaps you should consider moving back to the state where you had family support.

Not possible? Join a club, support group, recreation center, take a course in a community college, join an online book club. Hire a sitter once in a while.
Google "Memory Cafe in my state". Some Memory Cafes meet in libraries. My husband and I are going to a cafe this evening that will be attended by other couples. It's fun and I'm the anti-joiner and even I find it always pleasant.

No time? Find a dementia caregiver support group that meets online and find out how others free up their time. Most caregivers are women you'll meet tons albeit exhausted ladies.

Personally, I finally gave-in to the expense of day care twice a week, and I sure as heck don't waste my time looking for companionship on my free time. But that's me. A lady I met at my support group meeting has coffee with me from time to time and she jokes about winning the lottery and getting a pool boy.

It's just one more person to take care of in my mind. But, again, that's just me.
I guess I've been at this way, way too long.

Be careful about communicating with people you don't know. That's how finances get wiped out.

Do you have an old friend from the neighborhood or school days? Start sending some letters to those you know. And continue it with those who write back.

My mom mentioned a guy from the past that she dated at one time. I found him via the internet and called. Put her on the phone and they caught up on the years gone by. (Both were in their 90's by the time I initiated this). Neither was looking for another spouse, but it was a day of enjoyment each time she got a letter from him...and visa versa. Old times and old memories that no one else could have shared with her.

It depends on your personal view of your marriage vows... a simple pen pal relationship does not compromise a relationship but opens the door to compromise.

Here is an example of someone I knew and his commitment...

https://www.familylife.com/podcast/series/a-promise-kept/
https://www.amazon.com/Promise-Kept-Robertson-McQuilkin/dp/0842350993

Only you can make that decision whether it would alleviate your loneliness or add guilt feelings to the many other stresses you already have.

If you do Facebook, join an elder care page or two. Great support, some laughs and realizing many caregivers have it much worse than me. I also joined a couple of sewing and gardening pages. I can connect whenever I have the time or need. If not on fb and want to be, have a tech savvy person help you set it up securely.

Be careful. A widower I knew met a woman who married and wiped him out financially when she left him. In a year.

Jim, have you checked out Nextdoor.com? Or MeetUp.com? Both are free to join.

Nextdoor.com lets you find people in the neighborhood, join groups with shared interests, share news, chat, etc.

Meetup.com has many groups with various interests or events which you can join and find friends.

Good luck to you

Have you considered attending a caregiver support group? I found attending a group helpful when I was a full time caregiver for my mom.

Best wishes to you and your wife.

Some of your old friends must be on Facebook - I connect with relatives , artists and photographers - there are FB Groups - I wouldn't Look there for a relationship . I Talked to the AAA Guy yesterday for a half hour - first adult conversation I have had in Months . I go out to eat alone . Get to Know some waiters - There is meetup.com they have activities . I do some classes thru Upaya Zen center , Garrison Institute via Zoom its some connection . Yes it is a very Lonely isolating experience . You Might want a dog .

jimhal - Welcome. There are a few threads here which are very social and not necessarily about care giving. I see you posted on "What's for dinner?" As you have probably gathered that's one of them. "On My Mind" and "General topics" are two others. The pet thread (Caregivers cats behaving badly which includes all other pets) and "What are you reading" are two others. We usually stay on topic fairly well, Pet talk seems to have intruded onto the dinner thread which is OK, It happens sometimes.

A number of us have been here for some years, etting to know one another, sharing our stories, experiences and wisdom and enjoying the cyber company of like-minded souls. Some of us email one another as well. You may find a pen pal here or you may just join in and find that that alleviates your loneliness.

My best wishes for you and your wife in caregiving/care receiving journey. It's a very difficult one and we all need support and human contact of some kind.

Not much to say--do what you want.

Years ago my DH brought me home a record album (!) by Huey Lewis and The News for ONE song : "Happy to be stuck with you". That's worked for us.

All good thoughts and advice. No the VA won't help, I was told that this week; I'm the vet not my wife. Since I gave up my decadent behavior shortly after my 2nd wife a RN ran off with a guy leaving me with an 18 month old son who needed open heart surgeries (she thought he was going to die that's why she ran off with the maintenance man): Surprise he is still living, I can't afford the risk of losing my remaining assets and my feeble mental health for my own good. My mother (and others) had to liquidate their assets before getting Medicaid.

I am eight years older than my wife in my mid seventies caregiving is beating me down but no solution would be without added major stress and complications so as the old song I recall, "Stuck in the Middle with You
Song by Stealers Wheel". "Clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am stuck in the middle with you . . ." Me, myself and I as my Mom used to say.

I often joke with people when I can, by saying, "You can tell what age group I am in because I have more doctors than friends".

Actually? I have two small dogs and a big cat to keep me happy (I suppose). The families as a whole (those who are still alive that is) Keep saying, "Hang in there"(as they offer scant in person support). Just as I read a variety of points mentioned in all your responses if I am not diligent I risk adding Schizophrenia to my already precarious mental state if I try to digest all the information.
Thanks to all of you.

Get your assets divided. You want a girlfriend to have sex with. Pen Pal is not a euphemism for girlfriend.

You're not going to find a "meaningful relationship" with a pen pal, JimHal, who are you kidding? Based on your answer to cwillie, you are looking for a girlfriend and shrouding it under the nickname of a pen pal.

Place your wife in managed care with Medicaid to fund the cost, file for divorce, and that frees you up so you do not have to "honor your marriage vows" anymore.

Please make sure to visit your wife in managed care and be her advocate, as it's VITAL a loved one have an advocate while in care. And someone to visit and bring gifts and necessities and treats. Just bc she has dementia does not mean she doesn't need all that and won't appreciate those visits and your touch. She will, even if she doesn't acknowledge it.

I'm not passing judgment on your desire to find another relationship, just advocating for you to get divorced before doing so to preserve both parties dignity.

Good luck.

You can have your assets split. Your wifes split gets spent down and and then Medicaid is applied for. Once she is on Medicaid you remain in the house, have a car and have enough of your monthly income to live on.

See an elder lawyer.

Pen palling is a thing. There is a huge community out there but you have to find the right person. Been doing hat hobby for 40 years and it is a lifesaver.

Just don't look for it on the internet. Instead, look for "friend of a friend" or neighbor or someone local that someone you know can vouch for. Don't post stuff of FaceBook. There are just too many sociopathic scammers out there who are on the prowl and are *very* good at what they do. There is an entire category on this forum for Abuse and Scams. You broadcasting your vulnerabiliities even here on this forum is not a good idea. Perhaps join a support group? My best friend's FIL befriended a lovely woman from the group while they were both going through the end stages of their spouses' ALZ. They are married now, and happy. I wish you all the best!

Sure!

It works for me

First...PLEASE remove your wife's full name from your profile.

Second.. You are a Veteran have you talked to a Social Worker to find out if your wife would qualify for any services through the VA. I know most of the time the services are for the Veteran but by helping her they would be helping you.

The Senior Center near me has a great program. Volunteers will make calls to people to connect with them and make sure things are alright.
My thought for you is you might be one that would enjoy making some calls to other seniors that do not have contact with many people.
If this is not something you would want to do getting your name on a list for a weekly call might be a good step.
Contact your Senior Center and see if they have such a program.
There are other ways that you can Volunteer your time either from home or if you can get out for a couple of hours a day or 2 or 3 a week.
I also think an in person Support Group would be a good idea.
Would your wife be able to attend an Adult Day Program? It would give her a bit of socialization and it would give you a break from caregiving for a few hours a few days a week.

Lastly and probably not what you want to hear/read...
If it becomes unsafe for you to care for her you need to make the tough decision to place her in Memory Care. This is not an easy choice but safety is most important. This is not a "failure" it is acknowledging that her care is beyond what you can safely do at home, by yourself.

Side note...
If you are looking for "approval" of a relationship with someone that is for you to decide. What I think of it personally is of no consequence to you or anyone else. You are the one that has to live with any decision you make. I suggest that if you do find someone to share time with that you keep it to yourself, it is no ones business but yours.
Being a caregiver for a spouse totally changes the relationship and that is a GREAT loss.
I said when I was caring for my Husband that I was ruled by 2 major organs in my body. My HEAD and My HEART. I relied on both to make decisions but I always hoped my Head would rule over my Heart when it cam to the tough decisions.

Social isolation seems to be a growing trend among all age groups, and unfortunately there seem to be fewer and fewer places where we can go to just hang out to be among other people. Given that your profile mentions that your wife seems to get along better with caregivers than with you perhaps you should seriously consider placing her in memory care, that would free you to find some social outlets. As for the pen pal idea.... I'm not sure if that's even a thing any more, the web and social media has become the social outlet for many of us.