Got another call from the nursing home last night. Mom tried to get out of bed and fell out (luckily they have gym mats next to her bed). After 9 years of this Parkinson's with dementia, husband with 7 surgeries in the last 3 years, my young life dealing with my father's decline and death, and my autistic daughter, I'm on auto pilot. I feel nothing, and I think the nursing staff thinks I don't care. Don't like how or what I've become. Has anyone ever felt the same way and if so, any suggestions on how to come out of this?
I had episodes of feeling detached from reality, most marked during my three hours off every Monday when a professional caregiver came for respite breaks and I was supposed to go out and do something constructive (yeah, right). Auto pilot, numb, freefall - yes, I can relate to that sort of sensation. No idea what I was doing or what I was meant to be doing, almost to the point of its being quite dangerous now I think back to it.
I am guessing that one reason that we feel like this is that there *is* nothing we can do about the illness and frailties and disabilities our loved ones are facing. We are helpless. All we can do is be there and care about it. Just as shell-shock is the result of being kept under fire without possibility of escape, all we can do is take in what's happening without being able to change it. Our options are: a) suck it up or b) turn our backs. And b) is not a real option for people who've already got as far down the road as you have.
What you can do for your own mental health? I've heard mindfulness as a therapy warmly recommended by respectable sources, would that appeal to you?
And for the immediate issue, that of how a normal person reacts when they get a call in the night saying that mother has fallen out of bed, no harm done... Well, what are you supposed to say? Apart from "thank you for letting me know, please give her my love." Were they expecting you to hurtle round there and kiss her better or something?
Do you have some girlfriends you can spend some time with? I always found that restorative for me. Or some purely physical activity that you have to think about, to get your mind engaged fully in something else? Those were two things that helped me stay sane.
Did they take her to the ER? I know that if anything at all happens to my LO in MC, they send her to the ER. Of course, they call me and I meet them there.(For some reason this always happens between midnight and 3:00 a.m.) The last couple of times, there was really nothing wrong with her, but, they tell me they have their rules. So, I get it. We have a lot on our shoulders. I suspect that you do care, but, are perhaps suffering from compassionate fatigue.
If you have someone you can talk to that might be helpful. I also kept a journal and would compartmentalize my days and write to let it all out that way. You can also come on here to vent after a rough day as there are threads on here for that. Don't forget to be kind to yourself when you can, even little things like a good cup of coffee, watching birds, the sunrise, flowers, etc. can add up and help if you do them a little each day.
You are in drastic need of some quality "Me Time!"
And remember, crying is therapeutic. Sometimes just crying helps.
Katie 22 really said it very well. Don't worry about what anyone else might think - they are not walking in your shoes.
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