I need to find out how to deal with my anxiety related to taking care of my grandma. easy huh lol
I take care of my 84 yrold grandma from my mother's side since 2019. I don't speak with my mother for over 7 yrs (very bad relationship since I was 10 with her) and I used to live on and off with my grandma and mother.
I had FINALLY left the house which helped my mental health a lot. I was living alone and getting my career started at 25 which is great.
My grandma was hit by a car in 2017 so she suffers from concussion and neck issues.
Just before the pandemic hit, my mother kicked my grandma out of the basement for a stupid 50 phone bill and they called me to fix the situation (shrug) I have no idea what to do. My uncle didn't want to take her on in his house because it's too small, and they (dad, uncle, and grandma) figured since I lived alone I can take care of her. I moved out of my affordable apartment and now I'm renting a whole house for 3x the rent of my other place. First in the city to be closer to my friends and work, but she didn't like it so I had to find another place near our old neighbourhood. I'm spending over my means to take care of us both including doc and physio appointments. And even taking her to the doc is an uphill battle since she doesn't want to go all the time.
This is a lot for me. I wake up and I don't want to be taking care of someone else. I clean, I fix things around the house, I need to work.. if it was my mess then yea but I'm constantly fixing the messes made because she forgets where to put something or leaves things in the middle; almost like I'm taking care of a child, running behind her with a broom and dust pan.
I'm able to work from home but I would rather get away and work at the office but I get the guilt trip of that I'm abandoning her and leaving her alone.
I have no idea what to do anymore. The guilt trips are hard for me because she was always there when I needed a place to stay in my childhood, how can I say no?
My uncle won't help because "he didn't bring her (to this country)" so he just comes by for 10 mins once a month. I don't want to force people either because you never know what their intentions are.
I do all the doctors visits. I make sure she takes her medications, make sure she eats because she doesn't eat unless I'm there, she doesn't get up from bed unless I'm up. It's a lot of mimicking and I'm not equiped for this. She loses everything and blames me (the concussion caused some short term memory loss for her).
I'm glad I will only have to deal with this once since I will not be taking care of my parents when the time comes, and that my grandma is out of the situation with my mother because that was not healthy (borderline abuse) but for now...
How can I deal with this anxiety? I feel like my chest is gonna just burst sometimes and I'm silently crying while typing this..
I know that you appreciate your grandmother for taking care of you as a child. I understand how you feel.
Your mom was irresponsible as your mother and as your grandmother’s daughter. This is your mom’s responsibility to find care for her. It’s not your responsibility to take care of your grandmother. I am sorry that you experienced a difficult childhood and are dealing with these challenging issues now.
Your responsibility is to build a life for yourself. You have successfully done that by being a responsible young woman and landing a good job. I don’t blame you for wanting to live in the city. Young people wish to be near their friends and near their job. You shouldn’t be stuck in the burbs and paying higher rent!
Put a stop to this now. Your grandmother’s level of care will increase. You’re going to continue to be frustrated and remain exhausted, even though you are young.
You need your money to save for your own future. You shouldn’t be spending it on rent. You work hard and deserve time off to spend time with your friends.
Wishing you and your grandmother all the best. After grandma is placed in a facility, you can visit her and be her caring granddaughter.
So sorry you are going thru this and hard to get out of. Who brought her over? Because they are probably the ones down on paperwork that said they would be responsible for her care when she applied for a visa or residency. Does she have a greencard? You may want to look into that. The one who took on that responsibility needs to either care for her or place her. Has she been here more than 5 yrs? If so she can maybe get Medicaid.
If there is guilt to be had, it lies with your mother and your uncle who have burdened you down with your grandmother, causing a situation where you have so much anxiety and financial stress that you practically cannot function.
Tell your family members you're done taking care of grandma now. You've done all you can and you can do no more, as Daughterof1930 said. Don't ask them, tell them. Then THEY can decide what the next steps are with grandma; whether she gets placed or they take her in to live with them. But your job is done now. It's time for you to move on with YOUR life.
Best of luck doing so.
Many give us excuses.They don't have a job or they don't have a place to live or they are obligated, or the elder hasn't enough money for ALF. The fact is that many elders have neither children nor grandchildren. They are in the care of the State which acts as their fiduciary.
I think you should consider counseling now, and a Licensed Social Worker is likely the best choice for that, one specially trained in life transitions work, who will help you comb out how to untangle yourself and move on with YOUR OWN LIFE, which, as I said, you deserve.