I have the ability and freedom to do anything, except stop being the full time caregiver of two elderly parents. I can jump in the car and sit on the beach for a couple of hours, but it doesn't help me out of this funky feeling, nor does doing anything else help. I just want to hide under the covers and eat potato chips until I can have my old lifestyle back, without being a Caregiver. The more I don't do what needs to be done, such as paperwork and phone calls, the more I get overwhelmed. I'm scheduled for respite starting middle July, for a month. I don't think my sanity will make it to July.
Once something happens, I'm a tornado in action. But most of the time, I have to fight my inertia and my desire to just sit and metaphorically wait.
I see from your profile you moved across country to be with your parents, away from your hubby and the cats. It's terrible when we find ourselves enabling our parents so that they can continue to live their lifestyle while we have to make major changes to our own lifestyle..... it's not fair.
Ask your self, what if you weren't around, what would your parents do? I asked my parents [mid to late 90's] and they said "we would manage".... good grief, they couldn't manage with me living down the street from them. Mom refused caregivers. Refused cleaning crews. Refused to take a taxi. Refused to use a walker.
If only I could re-wind the past 7 years, I would do things so much differently. I would have not enabled my parents to keep living in that house with all those stairs. Someone was always falling. My parents were in denial they needed help. They never took care of their parents so they had no idea how much stress they were putting me thought. It was totally overwhelming. I can't image what you are going through being under the same roof.
Time to let Mom and Dad know you need to go home to your own family. Mom should understand this if her memory is still ok. Time to look around for caregivers to come in, if your folks can afford it. Or it is cheaper to move into Assisted Living. If not look into Medicaid, they would pay for continuing care facility. I know, not easy putting a love one into a "nursing home", it's either them or you will wind up in one, or your parents will outlive you.
It is so easy to promise home care when we can't visualize our parents becoming elders, and have zero idea what is involved.
My parents never asked me to promise them they could stay in their home. I never visualized my parents being very elderly.... they were still walking 2 miles a day in their late 80's and early 90's. Dad was still fixing everything around the house, Mom still doing all the housework even at 97.
You need to do what is best for your parents and what is best for you. I bet years ago your parents never thought about you leaving your husband across the country to take care of them..... oh never in the million years... now look.
You have been doing this for around 9 months... imagine doing this for the next 5 years. I know it has ruined my health, thus no fun retirement in my plans... that bucket list was crumbled up and thrown away. Yet my parents had a wonderful 25+ year retirement traveling everywhere.
Itb, I wondered if your parents are still independent, could you direct them how to cleanup their own paperwork. Could they write and cancel all the bug contracts? Or is it easier for you to do it? When I have this type thing to do, I make myself do it first so I can put it behind me. Then I don't have to worry about it anymore. I have a feeling that if you don't get it done before your respite that you'll worry the entire time you're gone. In your shoes, I would enjoy the weekend ahead, then get busy on the paperwork Monday. You should be able to get it all done pretty quickly and not have to worry anymore.
So sorry you are going through all this. I was in your shoes after my Step Dad passed away and my Mom was "Home Alone" for a couple years. Things started to happen. Burners left on. Vent hood burnt. Water left on. Mailbox stuffed with magazines...everyday. Mom ran off cleaning ladies, Home Health, yard man. In hind sight Sis and I tried to keep Mom at home too long. Falls. Way too many falls with all that drama. Mom ended up in ER then by her choice to Nursing Home for rehab. There she stayed. I still had to "care" for Mom while she was there. Still drama but safer for eveyone! Mom passed away in October and the mental and physical fatigue remain. Please take care of yourself and not push yourself to the point of no return. Even those of us who consider ourselves mentally tough and physically fit would probably confess that we wanted to pull our hair out and stick a fork in our eye on several occasions during our caregiving journey. Dont beat yourself up. Hang in there!
If I could redo any of the past, I would have dismissed my mother's wall of privacy and insisted that she show us exactly what she had in place for herself. We would've been much better prepared.
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