I finally called APS in Illinois on my parents last night (well, second time). This time i stressed the severity of the emotional abuse, lack of timely medicination, self neglect on part of my mom/caregiver who clearly has dementia. The person who took my report said I will get a call back in 3-7 for another interview. At that point, two agents may go out and interview my parents separately. She assured me no one will remove them ASAP but I'm suddenly worried about the vicious backlash I will get from my mom. Then again, she is vicious daily...do i stick with it? My sister had to drag her to urgent care today for a severe cough and confusion. And we suddenly realized - when not if - she dies first well be forced to find ft care (they have night care that we still fight about) for my stage 5 parkinsons dad. Although today was a dry run and I was ready. But she told my sister she will not get ft care for my dad or her until he can't walk anymore. But - we're basically already there. He can only walk occasionally with a walker, falls a lot and she lifts him (despite being 83). So...I just incur her wrath more, right? Also very ready to go no contact
Sometimes those decisions are not easy.
Often times is takes a catastrophic event to force a change. Thankfully in your case it is not an injury or death of either of your parents.
I often say that placing a loved one in a facility is not an easy decision, often one of the most difficult we make, but in most cases it is done because they need care that is beyond what most people can do at home.
Playing the devils advocate here for just a brief moment. (And in your case this may not be what is happening) But sometimes caregivers get to the point where they reach a breaking point. This is when anger, verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse rears it's ugly head. This is by no means making excuses but it can easily happen.
Primary caregivers particularly spouses, adult children often have a mindset that "no one can care for ___________like I can"
or
"I promised __________that I would never put ___________ in a "nursing home"
One of the ways mom will get hurt is picking dad up when he falls. Or he will get hurt in the process.
Yes you will incur her wrath.
But you are making decisions in their best interest that is what matters.
And you know, so what if she finds out definitely that it WAS YOU? If she says "I have proof right here you sent them!" Just tell her "Yeah. I lied. I sent them. Sue me".
You did the right thing.
You need to let it go now. We all live and we all die and we get to choose how we do it. Sometimes. If we are lucky.
Make goals for YOURSELF in the New Year, Peanut. Things that have NOTHING to do with them. Make your own goals. You know what? Make art. Bracelets, earrings, paintings, paint-by-numbers, collage. ANYTHING. I swear, it so frees the mind, it so eases you out of the mess and into the beauty. Take up sketching. When I did sketching I saw the beauty in a hand, a face, a nose, like I never did before.
Happy New Year, P.
You're doing the right thing. Don't let your mean, sick, vicious mother call the shots. They no longer know what's right for them, but you do.
Go no contact or almost no contact for a while. No need to give mom a chance to abuse you. She is not the queen of the universe, and she has almost no power now, which is as it should be.
Good luck! You'll feel better when you can look back and congratulate yourself for getting them the care they need.
in Medicaid and into LTC. .
They can no longer live alone. Let APS do their job. Your mother can no longer take care of your dad. And your dad needs a lot more assistance now.
All I can say is it really sucks to go through what you are right now. I feel for you.
As you are now in the midst of this second contact with APS nothing will change.
That other sister took her to ER for confusion is something you need to let the APS team know.
I do feel that you are VERY CLOSE to having your father removed from the home and put into care. The fact is that with two calls from you they CANNOT ignore her non-cooperation. That may actually be for the best.
Hope you'll update us. Thoughts out to you. This is very difficult to call, as it is a dangerous situation for them both and you and sis know it.
So sorry.
Your dad deserves a chance for better care. If he agrees, this is his chance. If he refuses to go against Mom's wishes, that's on him.
You have very little agency here. You can only step back and allow them to fail and get taken into care.
Let APS do their job . If they don’t eventually remove them soon , then try calling their County Area Agency of Aging .
Your parents can not live at home any longer .
Edited …..No contact may be necessary , or at least limit contact and build an imaginary wall to deflect what they verbally throw at you ., You can drop off food and leave immediately .