Finally reached our in-home care limits, but feel guilty. Are we terrible people?

Yay! So very happy for you. Now you can resume your life in peace.

No reason at all to feel guilty! You are doing what is necessary. You can feel badly that she is suffering from her situation.

I think that you will be surprised at how she will be able to adjust to her new surroundings. So often, our loved ones do better with others than they do with their families.

Not terrible at all. Its the right thing to do. Once you get her placed slowly the guilt you feel will subside.

Not that you have anything to feel guilty about but I get that guilt feeling when you have to do something you know you have to do but know the other person is going to be upset about it.

Nothing terrible about this, it is overdue. Great news!

I’m so sorry that you feel guilty for trying to do the best for all involved. I hope her meds will be adjusted when she’s placed and i hope you can get your like back, guilt free.

So relieved! This is the best thing for all of you, and you’re making the right decision.

Dump the guilt and look forward to a life without this horrendous burden. I hope the move happens soon and goes well.

As always placing someone in ANY facility is a tough decision that is fraught with one or more of the several "g" words. Guilt, Grief, Gloom, Gratitude.
But in a facility AL. MC or SN a person will be safe and cared for. Now it will not be the same 1-1 care ratio that they get at home but someone is always there. And in most cases the facilities have been built with safety in mind.
You are not "terrible" for placing someone in a place where they will get the care they need at the level they need.

You had thought you were Saints? You weren't. You are human beings with limitations. You are not guilty. That's for felons who have malice aforethought and create havoc, loving it all the while. You are GRIEVING. That's the other G-word, and the appropriate one for your situation.

Not everything can be fixed. Not everything can be made perfect and wonderful. Some things have to be endured the best way you can

It's a kind of hubris to think we are Gods who have control of everything, who can fix everything. A just aren't. The job description for a Saint is pretty bad. They have to try to fix everythng for us, we shoot them full of arrows, then they go to heaven and we pray to them to fix everything for us.

Allow yourself the grief. This is worth grieving. Visit. Be as kind as you can. Understand the grief and pain of your elder. Embrace that you have done what you can. I am so sorry for the pain, but so glad of your decision.

Short answer. No. Protect your peace. End of story.

Editing as that short answer felt harsh, to add, when you are in the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) it is difficult to think clearly. I'm glad you are both on the same page about it.

Pay attention to this, because it's important --

1. Does NASA bring in average citizens to design and shoot off their rockets?
2. Would you be fine with some guy off the street being your child's teacher?
3. Would you agree to surgery performed on your cat by your mail carrier?
4. Would you treat your child's diabetes, pneumonia, or broken leg at home with no medical intervention whatsoever because as the parents you should just somehow know how to handle these things?

1. No
2. No
3. No
4. Yes?

That's what you and your husband are trying to do -- what all of us have been doing -- and it gets to a point where it simply cannot be faked, so to speak, by someone who doesn't know how to do the job when it escalates to this level. You've reached the maximum of your abilities to handle MIL's care, and there is absolutely no shame or guilt about it. It simply is what it is.

For her health and safety and for yours, it is time to place her where she will get the care she needs for her disease from this point on.

You have failed no one.

It is not a sign of failure. It is handing off to the professionals who know how to take it from here.

Why is this question asked here on a constant basis?? Are you a "terrible person" if you bring the woman to the hospital for proper care when she's sick? Nobody ever asks that question, yet the prospect of placing a demented and aggressive elder in Memory Care brings the guilt card up as if it's a house of horrors or something!

My mother lived in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility for the last 3 years of her life bc I wouldn't delude myself I had the ability to care for her by myself at home. Instead, she had a 24/7 team of wonderful caregivers she called "My girls" to see to her every need. 3 hot meals a day and 3 snacks, outings to the mountains for scenic drives on the mini bus, activities galore, movies, socialization, doctors and lab techs coming into the MC to see her all the time, a beautiful suite, and SAFETY 24/7. I'm not a "terrible person" but a loving daughter who realized her own capabilities and my mother's needs were not compatible, and that MY life was just as important as hers. Not to mention She rarely acted out w staff as did with me, her arch NEMESIS! #Truth

What happens when you or dh get very sick or die from a heart attack after all this stress? Mom goes into managed care. Do it NOW before YOU become a statistic for no good reason. Leaving your blood on the floor is accomplishing nothing but to agitate the woman anyway. In the meantime, ask her doctor for something like Ativan to calm her down before she physically harms you.

My Mom was easy but I could not deal with the unpredictability of Dementia. I need order and there is no order in Dementia. I was there 24/7 her first year with us and she was in Daycare the next 8 months. But, bringing my Mom to live with me was never thought to a permanent thing. She went to AL first and adjusted well. It felt good not to be wondering what next. I got such a good night sleep that first night. I still had to make sure she had Depends and her toiletries. Took her to doctor visits. But what really lifted the burden was Long-term care. I allowed them to do her laundry. I know weird, but I didn't have to look for sales on Depends. Everything she needed was supplied. No more pinching pennies so her money would last. She went on Medicaid and I allowed the NH to be payee for her SS and pension so no more writing checks. Just visit. No more doctor visits, there was one at the facility.

Please never feel guilty. This is a situation not even a professional could deal with. Glad you have made the decision to place her.

Her behavior is absolutely unacceptable and you - no one - no family member - can control it. Do remember, it is her brain changing that is 'talking' 'acting out.' She likely doesn't mean it. It is her fear and confusion, and aches and pains 'talking.

Place her immediately.

Question: Are we terrible people for doing this?

Answer 1: Absolutely not, you are responsible family members who have gone way beyond any family 'call of duty.'

Answer 2: You deserve a life, a quality life, a quality life with your own family. You need / deserve peace of mind, body and soul. This placement should have happened way before now.

Answer 3: You have our (most of us here . . . okay, I'll speak for myself. You have my 100% support to place her - in a care facility where they are trained and experienced to manage someone exhibiting her behavior(s). She will be well cared for.

Gena / Touch Matters

You've got my support and vote to move MIL out. Enough is enough!

There comes a time when the best thing you can do for your LO is to place them. There also comes a time when the best thing you can do for yourself is to place them. You both have done your best in one scenario, now it is time to up the best and place her. Don't feel guilty. Your motives are righteous.

I feel for you. You have to do what’s best for you and your husband. If you don’t, you two will end up with problems. Take care of yourselves first. You can always visit her and enjoy the time spent with her. AC

All of this is so incredible hard, so sorry you and your hubby (family) are dealing with this. None of this is a journey we OR any of our loved ones wanted to go on and it often seems like an endless journey that becomes more difficult over time.

You have done a lot to care for her and you are continuing to care for her by placing her in a facility with professionals who can care best for her now; given her needs and YOUR's. And you cannot care for someone if you do NOT care for YOURSELF first. Self care is nothing to feel guilty about, knowing your limits and knowing it is time for professional/facility care as you MUST take care of yourself, your mental health and that of your husband and any kids you two have brought into the world.

Working with a talented therapist can help work through all of this. It is a process of letting go and grieving. Letting go of the hope or perhaps promises made to never put a LO in a "home." Letting go of any feelings of guilt or failure, it is neither! You both did what you could and it is no longer safe or reasonable for either you, your husband, family or your LO who now needs more care than can reasonable or safely be provided by you, in your home, etc. And it is going through a grieving process too. NOT that your LO has passed on, but grieving the loss of the person you once knew -- your LO is no longer that person. Grieving the loss of being the "good daughter/daughter-in-law, son/son-in-law" in that you may have equated good with ONLY when providing direct personal care, but again you both are providing care/caring and providing the care that is now needed.

Try to not beat yourself up too much about it, cry and get it out as best you can. And work on changing your narrative that you are "good/doing a good job," "you are caring," "you are caring for them AND for you, your marriage and kids." And that your LO is where "they need to be to get reasonable and safe care now."

Best of luck with your journey. God Bless all dealing with this! Prayers for you and yours.

Feeling guilty is normal because you are human. You have done the absolute best you can for her and it is now time to continue to care for her in a different way. NOBODY should live with a person they feel threatened by, no matter if that person is ill or not. I chose not to move home and care for my father with ALZ because he is impossible to deal with and I know I just can’t do it and have any life of my own. He also gets aggressive. He’s a screamer. It’s only a matter of time until he hits someone. So I manage what I can from afar and wait for an event that will trigger placement. I do have feelings of guilt from time to time but I remind myself that my life matters too.

If you think she will get violent if you tell her she is going to be living elsewhere then don’t tell her. Save yourself the trauma. Tell her you are taking her to lunch and then arrange with the facility to bring her there at lunch time. You all sit down to eat together and after lunch take her on a tour of the place. Once she is in her room you make an excuse to leave (run out to the car for something, etc). Then your husband says he is going to use the bathroom and he meets you at the car. I know it sounds harsh but sometimes this is the easiest way. The staff will take it from there. They will tell her you guys had to leave but will be back in a while. Then they will engage her in an activity to distract her. Visit in person a few days later.

You know you’re not terrible people. You just feel guilty and wondering what people will think. I sounds like your MIL has mental health problems, or has dementia. You are not trained to work with these types of diseases, few people are. Make your arrangements and deliver her to whatever facility will take her. They want a mental health check before placement so it could take a bit of time. You cannot avoid her outbursts so don’t even try. If you accompany your husband you may need to leave fairly quickly because you are her target. The facility of choice will be better able to work with her if you are not there. Good luck.

Be confident that you are making the right decision for your MIL's care and for your own health and sanity. By "what's in store" for you and your husband, do you mean criticism from friends and family? MIL is in your home, not theirs Placing someone in a facility is a difficult but very wise decision..

You are not terrible people. Making a good decision for all involved is the best thing you can do. Sacrificing your health and wellbeing does not change her situation. She still has dementia and she still needs care. Place her in the best place you can find and visit her when you can. That is the most any of us can hope for.

Take care of yourselves.

Only human, after all. I saw friends who, I felt, were far more capable than myself buckle under the weight. I was not “there” yet, but I gradually became aware. It took six years before placing my mother into memory care.

No you are not terrible! Unless you are 100% trained and committed to only dealing with MIL, then she should be placed somewhere else. I had to do that too. Hardest thing you will have to do. Some people may say it is not hard but it is! The promises we make about not placing them are uninformed promises. Now that you know what is happening please try not to feel guilty, let down or sad - you will have these feelings - but as you stated your mental health is at stake. Love your loved ones - the one that needs to be placed and the ones that will stay - and do this! Prayers sent your way!

You are absolutely NOT terrible people!

Both my parents are like that with profanities. I get massive anxiety visiting my parents at the nursing home.

Yesterday, my husband and I went for a visit. My mother who has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia was calling everyone son-of-a-b's and screaming.

It's exhausting. It's stressful.

How are you going to place her?

Her aggression is very concerning, and you are putting yourself at great risk every single day she remains in your home.

The aggression will only get worse and you could end up hurt or dead. In the meantime, make sure there are no weapons, knives, hammers, etc. around that she can access. You probably think that is a bit exaggerated, but it's not. It's a progressive disease and you need to protect yourself and your children.

Look at it this way- how are you terrible people when you gave it your best shot to make it work and it still just wasn't going to happen? This will be better for all of you. Your MIL has a target on your back and every time she sees you it agitates her too most likely- which isn't fun for either of you. When you find a good place for her to go she may very well end up being quite happy and calm because specific behaviors will be addressed with the tricks of the trade they have up their sleeve. You, your husband, and your kids don't deserve to be living in fear like this. I doubt in her right mind that she would have wanted to do this either.

You guys can go visit her any time you want. In the meantime you have to live your lives too. Blessings and hugs to you!

NO! You are hardly “terrible”. What would be terrible is if you insisted on toughing it out and insisting you can still do it on your own— at the expense of your safety AND hers.

She has reached the point to where she needs much more care than you both can provide. It’s just the progression and not your fault.

The opposite. You are good people because you did your best to keep her in your home. Her care is now beyond what you can provide. Visit her as often as you can, and bring her treats that she likes. Also, since you are her target, be prepared to be the one she blames for her new surroundings, but do your best to not take it to heart. Hopefully she'll forget, and you'll all fall into a nice visiting routine.

You are not alone. A lot of dementia patients become aggressive as the disease progresses. That is when home care becomes impossible to handle. It takes professionals from that point on. You have done well to keep her there as long as you have. Focus on that instead.

Now that aggression has been shown, please do immediate placement, as this could be a danger to you. A relative of mine was injured in just this way by his wife. Hugs for all you are going through. You will feel a huge relief once she is gone from your home.

Catlover99: It is good that you placed your MIL as your health was in danger. In no way are you terrible people.