How to find caregivers for a woman (90) who is mentally ill and very abusive to her sweet tempered husband (92)?
I have been looking for the best of a new professional caregiving position, and met today with what I thought was it.
I was very shocked to hear and see the current caregiver speak so very negative about the daughter whom lives 2000 miles away and has a video recorder and tapes the audio of the caregiver, and calls about 7 times a day to correct her caregiving.
First off, this is not a job for one person, and secondly I am not going to work for them. I have decided that I deserve to be nice to myself, and working for a woman whom is mental ill and physical abusive? Really, how can a daughter 2000 miles away even consider this an ok way to be.
What is the advice of other caregivers, families as to what to do with a mother, where this daughter, who was in the process of hiring me stated, she has feared her mother all of her life, and would never bring friends home, for fear of her mother's moods.
This seems crazy that this family is all about keeping them together? Really, he has dementia so bad and cannot hear, is yelled at abused all day long.
I could not believe my eyes.
Also, is it illegal in Washington State to audio as well as video cam. I know video is ok without consent but if you hire and employee, don't you have to allow them to sign a consent for for someone to hear every voice or word that is spoken?
It is a horrible situation, She has Alzehimers on top of it, and he as she said is the perfect word for "unconditional love"? Really, it seems like very codependent attachment to an abuser.
A little late to work on this couple, but what could I suggest to this woman, as she is asking me for advise, as no one will care for her parents together as the mother hits, bites, throws water with a glass and breaks things?
6 Answers
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I am completely not going to go anywhere near this situation, but I cannot believe it is allowed. They are not in the memory care unit, the mother was so severely mentally ill when her three girls were growing up that the daughter said, she would never bring anyone home, because they never knew.
I my opinion all three daughters are very PTSD from this, and there is one daughter that lives near them, and the caregiver states she has issues. (who wouldn't)…. so my goodness, of course I won't touch this. Actually the caregiver called me and said, do not take this, you are too good and it will distort you, first the mother, and second the daughter invading into your work, and calling you, and telling you what you should be doing.
Caregiving jobs are hard, they are impossible when the daughter has a type A personality and does nothing but stare at her iPad and see her caregiver and the parents. Many times the parents cannot go to dinner and have to have it called in. because the mother is so verbally abusive and physically to.
Why is the caregiver putting up with it? That is the question of the year, and why many things, but I will NOT be a part of this. That is for sure.
It is always hard, after a client passes away 10/6, to move on, and really it requires sometimes passing things through aging care.com.
Both of you are right on, and the daughter is I believe very emeshed in the situation .
She stated when she was younger that all of her siblings took an incredible amount of abuse from their mother, and yet, why would she want to subject innocent people to that.
One thing I will tell you, she did contact one of my contacts and say "her mother has gotten better", when meeting with the current live in caregiver, she said in the last two weeks, the mother has thrown something at her, hit her, scratched her neck.
I worry about the man. He is so innocent now, with dementia, and you are completely right, "co dependent to the core" the daughter stated her father is the ultimate statement of "unconditional love" that seems to me to be a very twisted statement.
Do not get me wrong the daughter is put between a rock and a hard place, but then again, how many of us whom are in this situation such as myself with my parents are not.
If she lives in Minnesota, and the care and they reside in Washington state, who would I contact? Someone in Minnesota, or Washington.
I find it odd, that the place where they live have them in the assisted living portion and not the memory care. They can never take her to the dining room, because of her terrible bouts with anger. She needs lithium.
But, unfortunately for them, I am "running" not walking, and another woman approached me, and lives believe it or not one floor above, is 74, sweet as can be and needs someone to be with her 20 hours a week, and this family had no issues with my pay.
That is the other thing about the daughter. I gave her the rate, and she lowered it by $13.00. Really, and yes pay for private care in Washington State for this type of care is between $20.00 - $25.00 per hour, and that is being an employee with all taxes taken out. It is hard work, and to me, it is frustrating to hear of all the people that work so hard for $12.00.
Thank you for the absolute Golden Advise!
Debbie
Mother has been mentally ill with severe mood swings all her adult life. I feel sorry for her. It is very sad if she has never had the opportunity of mental health care. Father has probably been co-dependent all of his marriage and now has dementia. I feel sorry for him. This is Not Your Problem. And, in my opinion, it is not the daughter's problem, either. She should turn management of their care over to a professional case manager, and simply oversee that they get good care -- not by listening to every word spoken in their home and micromanaging day-to-day care, but by ensuring they get appropriate placement in quality care centers, and advocating for them through the case manager.
What you should tell her is that 1) you could not in good conscience accept a job that really requires more than caregiver skills, 2) you are not sure than any in-home caregiving situation is going to work out, and 3) suggest she contact their country social services department (as pamstegman says).
You were there for an interview, I assume. Did you actually see any abuse, or did you learn of it from the current caregiver? Explain to the daughter that when you do accept a job you honor your obligation to report abuse to authorities. That may help her understand the seriousness of the situation.
I feel sorry for everyone in this scenario. I am glad you are not putting yourself in an untenable situation with them.
I don't care if the wife is 200 years old, that does not give her the right to abuse anyone.