Finding legal alternatives to my estranged adult daughter being my Power of Attorney now, with limited assets?
I posted my question on another person’s question post, by mistake.
My adult daughter is my Power of Attorney, and still agrees to be, as of three weeks ago. Since then she has cut all ties with me, essentially. I struggle with Complex PTSD, ADHD, depression, generalized anxiety. My emotional distress is increased by her not wanting to even discuss my general mental health crisis. She is neither, willing nor capable of helping me. This makes me feel emotionally unsafe, the root to my mental illness.
I have respected her boundaries and wishes over the years, but her lack of any empathy for my ADA disability is affecting my daily functioning.
I have two therapists and one psychiatrist, but the two covered by insurance are being offloaded to other agencies in two weeks. With Medicare’s open enrollment occurring at the same time, I’m not able to secure continuum of care yet, for November 3, 2023.
I am a survivor, but I cannot battle technology deficiencies on top of all of this. One new cellphone, to replace a bad microphone, one wireless home internet lack of connectivity, adds another dimension to remaining resilient, for a new day.
My ADHD becomes worse with emotional overwhelm. I have called the Suicide Crisis line for the first time in my life, recently, at age 63. Last night, I called for the third time. They have referred me to a case manager to help connect me with resources.
My assets are limited. I have no other friends or family. I am capable, and not incapacitated. Until I feel any threat of potential danger. This is my INVISIBLE ILLNESS.
Can anyone please offer any suggestions for my next steps?
Thank you greatly,
Signed,
Still alone and scared
5 Answers
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Three weeks ago, your daughter agreed to be your power of attorney.
Until you hear different, accept that and leave her alone. Listening to your mental health concerns is not the role of a POA.
Unless you need to be institutionalized, give up your autonomy, and the financial control of your life be permanent.
If the POA is not activated, and you still write your own bills, keep a low profile. Try harder to become stable on your own.
Are you drinking? Are you taking your medication properly?
"My adult daughter is my Power of Attorney, and still agrees to be, as of three weeks ago."
Contact NAMI to connect to more support and resources for you, before a crisis arises.
Create a support system for yourself beyond your psychiatrist and therapist (s). Try a few support groups. The new caseworker sounds like a new support for you.
Your daughter has boundaries in place for a reason. She has a life, and may be protecting her own mental health vulnerabilities. It might not have anything to do with you. Don't make your relationship with your daughter about your mental illness, and do not contact family when you are unstable or in a crisis, or needy.
"My emotional distress is increased by her not wanting to even discuss my general mental health crisis": So don't put this burden on her. That is not respecting her boundaries. You need to be able to go without contact from family for at least a few months, or twice a year contact.
Go to out-patient therapy daily, until you are less scared and lonely.
Get up and out at least 3 x per week. Join a basket-weaving class if you have to. Volunteer at a shelter for cats, dogs, or even horses.
Do you have a pet? Get one by fostering.
Sorry that you are scared. But I think that feeling is almost common sense in the world today. So, turn off the news 6 days out of 7.
Look forward to meeting your case manager, accepting a few offers of help. Do not expect one person to meet all your needs. It is up to you to create the life you want and need. You will need to leave the house for that.
Do me and yourself a favor. Do not write back the many reasons you cannot do something, or why my suggestions will not work for you.
This is NOT a rejection of you. It is to help you focus.
DO write back what has worked for you. Try it at least 3 days.
Talk soon?
There is also a tendency to manipulate the world by making it feel responsible for our own illnesses, and our own ability to reach wholeness and health. That is destructive to all.
I watched on Prime last night the most wonderful series about crafting, a PBS series apparently, but the first season free with ads on Prime. As those who quilt, paint, pot, weave and weave baskets all said, their minds are completely freed by this. I sew kimonos and each step to me is a zen of perfect freedom from stress.
We want magic answers. But really, life is hard work. Full of rewards, full of challenge, and can go wrong at a second's notice, but also HARD WORK. The desert girl is clearly very bright. She's got tools she cannot imagine. It is a matter of taking a chance getting off the habitual path.
Blaming your daughter is not likely to make her more willing to be involved. It is quite possible that she will resign the Power of Attorney she has taken on.
You have all the professional support that is likely to be available to you. To be honest, the most practical suggestion I can think of is to get a simple job that occupies your time, focussed on something other than your feelings. Perhaps that might help. What do your professional advisors suggest?
Thank you for your reply. I want a healthy relationship with my daughter, but only with my mental health in tact.
Yes, there is a back story here, more than can be shared here. My emotional trauma, which was severely compounded, trying to protect my young children until young adulthood, many years ago, from a mentally damaged narcissist who failed to provide basic safety while in his care. Ironically, my daughter can’t help me in any way now. She is unable to see the whole picture; I see that clearly now. It’s easier to blame the scapegoat, which is and has always been me. Definition of short term therapy: Blame it on others.
Do you know what Complex PTSD is, by chance? It’s not one event of PTSD, but a series or multitude of events over the span of one’s life. That is why the term Complex precedes the term PTSD. Finally, mental health progress has been made at the World Health Organization, by validating this mental health condition in the last year or so. But it will take many more years to trickle down to the US, our government, our healthcare systems, to be of benefit.
The basis of that term is chronic abandonment and victimization, especially as a child. Those negative coping skills have to be unlearned and replaced with healthy coping skills. This takes time as therapy only occurs in 50 minute sessions.
My body is sorely worse for the wear from chronic stress. Part of that stress was from mistakedly marrying (and divorcing) a narcissist personality disordered man, my daughter’s father. In divorce, I fought a mentally damaged man who decided “to hate me far more than he loved his own children”. This is called parental alienation, which is another huge phenomenon affecting thousands of children, yearly. Many children experience the worst case of their family’s divorce, due to a high-conflict (self-absorbed) parent who chooses to create huge emotional chaos that plays out in the family court system in our society. Do I sound like I’m self-absorbed? No, I’ve done my best to my children's’ cheerleaders, throughout childhood, despite their current opinions, whatever they may recall. I worked at their elementary school, and became a state certified elementary teacher, at 41. My ex-husband still is the same man-child today!
I also have one son who has been estranged since the age of 12. He is now 36. When did you see your adult child last? Last week? Last Thanksgiving? I haven’t seen my son for 25 years; he lives in my same metropolitan area. Does anyone here know that a person can die due to heartbreak? There is a medical term for it. I have moved on about him, but this was traumatic.
I am not able to get a job for distraction of my mental health problems. I have an ADA disability, and can’t work. This is the Invisible Illness I speak of. Major depression disorder, additionally, seems to be my new (recent) normal. I am doing my best to take care of myself: Taking a shower every two days, taking my daily meds on-time and daily, eating a meal, and sleeping soundly for 8 hours is my priority goal.
Many comments have been offered to me through this forum; for that, I am immensely grateful. I am a survivor and will struggle through as best as I can. Knowing that many of you have reached out to me brings me hope.
Pets are a great suggestion! I do have cats and they are my faithful companions. They would never abandon me as I have been psychologically abandoned. I live my life, to care for them, as they care for me. Sure, I rescued each of them individually, but ultimately, they have been my rescuer each and every day.
Thank you all to those who reached out to me. Mental health IS health. Mental health can be derailed at any time when one is alone and vulnerable, especially with C-PTSD.
I apologize for making this so long. My goal here is to lessen our societies stigma about mental health.
I hope I did that somewhat.
AZDesertgirl
Refusing to participate in your mental health issues doesn't mean that your daughter has no empathy for you. It means that she has no ANSWERS for you, and family, when consulted about mental health often feels that they "should" have answers. Friends can listen, sympathize and move on with their day. Family cannot.
Your daughter is VERY WISE, being simply aware, as you already tell us, that she isn't qualified in any way to help you with your mental health issues. Love isn't an answer to mental health.
You are very bright. You have excellent help and resources and knowledge of how to access things for yourself.
As both a retired RN and as someone who has family members with mental health issues I am well aware of the helplessness of families in these matters, and often their meddling in these issues complicates and prevents healing and individual responsibility in one's own healing.
I am so relieved that you are so bright, so well spoken, and that you are facing your issues with professional help, with making use of the hotline so crucial to so many.
Your daughter so far has agreed to be your POA. That will only be needed if you are ever ill to the point of helplessness and someone must make financial or care decisions for you.
If your daughter ever chooses not to serve there are legal licensed fiduciaries as appointed though the courts to manage for people without family.
Your daughter has recognized her helplessness in dealing with your mental illness. That's a good thing. And the sad truth is that no family upon the face of the earth has the magic wand that can fix this.
Do continue to access your health care professionals, take medications, know that if one "recipe" doesn't work, another may.
Do also reach out whether online (Facebook is full of mental health support groups) or in person to support groups that are NOT family, because in all truth, family, with all the baggage they lug, are the worst at dealing with this.
I am so sorry for your struggle. I can assure you from my own experience that you are far from alone. Unfortunately, we have just BEGUN to crack the veneer of the mental health issues. Never have so many known so little about so many struggles. I wish you the very best.
While we are mostly an elder care Forum I wish we had more knowledge of how to send you to more appropriate and supportive programs. I hope many here will have experiences to share with you that are helpful.