What do you do when you loved one has formed a bond with their care giver however you never quite care for them yourself. My moms care giver talks too much and is always butting in our business. I've tried to bring someone else in but my mom doesn't like anyone else. Please help with this one. I've talked to the agency and got someone from another agency who is familiar with this same care giver and they say they had to stop assigning her because of people complaining about the same things I am.
Can you now let go? Does she still need you to do all those things you have sacrificed to do for her? If so then do it. Sounds like you have a family that can use all this love and attention you have to give but has been swallowed up. Please be encouraged that you are a great person with a lot to offer and your mother is not correct about you. I am sure your husband, kids and grand kids are thrilled to have you back!
Finally, I said enough is enough. This sad example of a relationship has not been good for over 50 yrs. and no amt of wishing is going to improve it. She preferred my sister and told me so. Well, I'm not going to hasten my departure from this world due to a heart attack brought on by extreme stress or a nervous breakdown on account of her. My husband, my kids and my grandkids deserve to have me around.
Mom has her mental faculties, her health is terrible. It'd be easier to take if she had dementia, she wouldn't be responsible for the meaness. I talk nice to her, I give her money, I cook and clean for her, spend nights in the ER with her, buy her gifts, none of it is good enough. I have reached the limit with her. And I do feel that I've done all I could.
Look at your mothers with new eyes. Look at their caregivers the same way. Work through this as an ally not an adversary. Like I said, it is Very difficult and time consuming, but possible and fruitful. Sounds like you are both correct that these caregivers should go. Start a new relationship with your mothers, from a different angle, stepping lightly but watchfully. Look for the opportunities that will arise to correct and possibly heal your relationship. Then you will have the pull to say what needs to be said in a way that they will hear and accept.
I have had the best results from telling the person (mother or caregiver) what they are doing right. What you admire about them. What you have learned from them. There is always something, even if it's ever so small. Then I sympathize with their complaints keeping that brief. I am gently but firmly truthful about their dilema and questions. They have to be open to hear what you have to say. Truly look at them. Listen to them sometimes without any opinion at all. See what doors will open. Also do everything with patience and love, and quiet confidence. Your mother will feel this from you. This may the hardest you thing you will do. Even if you don't see results for a long time or not at all, at least you know you did what you could.
Enjoy your game.
Now I ask you should I be worried........nahhhhhhhhhhh cause I am really OK with knowing that she's taking such good care of my mom that she doesn't need to talk to me. I'm actually relieved, especially on ESPN NBAFriday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I took leave from work to care for my mom. I am my moms child and she's always been my best friend. It did not matter what my sister chose to do. She is adopted and my moms blood is not running through her body as mine is. My mom and I have always been best friends, and I mean best friends. My sister has always been a little envoius of that but it never mattered to me, my mom has her relationship with her which is totally different from mine. My mom had 4 miscarriages and I was her miracle child, and I've always felt like my mom was a gift from God. Everyone that knows me knows my mom too. Even old boyfriends as I lost my dad in 1972.
My mom made me POA because I'm pretty organized and because my sister never skipped a beat and didn't stop working it mattered to me not. I was able to take care of all her business. I got all her paperwork out of the house and organized. I ordered all the things she needed, and I wrote to everyone about her stroke. I am her contact.
Yeah I go and visit, but sometimes I go and stay, and sometimes she calls me and ask me to come over and I go, and sometimes she calls and I don't answer the phone.
Yeah I'm getting the raw end of the stick, but as I've said now hear me here: when I want to get lost, I know how to do that and I do. It's unfair, but again I say that my mom's mind in not in the condition to understand all that stuff. Things that were annoying to her before don't matter now. The house is a mess, but she doesn't care anymore because there are more important things to worry about, hell I don't even care anymore. I've taken enough pictures of that house to last a lifetime and I'll hang onto them for when I need them but that's a different forum.
You are right I should only be going to visit but my mom doesn't look at it like that and when I use to try and tell her that she'd say I was stirring up trouble, then her blood pressure would go sky high. I don't wanna upset her I just want her to be comfortable and for her mind to be at ease.
When she goes I want it to be as smooth a transformation into Gods hands as possible because truly she is one of God's angels who's been awfully good to an awful lot of people over the course of her life.
Know what I mean?
Taken advantage of, yeah but you know my mother doesn't think of it that way and I can't get her to understand that the two of us don't need to be there at the same time.
Call me a sucker, but I tell you one thing, I do know how to disappear when I want too.
It's Saturday now. My sister came home from the hospital on Tuesday evening and I was there. She got home about 7pm, came in and said hello to my mom and before you know it she was gone again. Keep in mind she's just gotten out of the hospital. OK, I said. About 2 hours later I saw her lights on her car from my moms window. I had my stuff together ready to go. I kissed my mom and told her I was leaving. This time I met my sister coming through the door, as I was leaving. Ha that will fix her.
Crystal was scheduled for Wednesday from 7am to 7pm. I didn't go over. At 11:30 pm my mom called and asked why I'd given Crystal the day off, so I called the agency and Crystal went over Thursday 7-7. Crystal worked Friday 7-7, again I didn't go over, and here it is Saturday and Crystal worked 7am-3. She called me and said that my sister had something to do and was I coming over. I said OK.
I go over there at 2pm and my sister and her family are in their room watching a DVD. I'd had literally 3 days off, and spent that time on me meaning I did NOTHING because my sons went out of town. I had time to be with ME. So here I am sitting in my moms room after Crystal leaves and it's 2 hours later and I'm still sitting there doing this and that and this and that for her.
Now I'm sure that because I had 3 days off, it got good to me, I'll admit that. I was depressed over there, my mom dozing off and on, asking me questions about the boyz, asking me what day is this, I just had to get out of there. But mainly I felt like WHY SHOULD I BE THERE WHEN MY SISTER AND HER ENTIRE FAMILY IS THERE AND THEY ARE IN THEIR ROOM HAVING A BLAST. Why shouldn't I be at home too. Is this selfish? Has anyone else experienced this? Why can't I come home and watch the Saints and the Colts play............hahaha!!!!!!!!!!
I got up told my mom that I was going HOME. I told my sister that I was leaving.
I left came home, made myself some hot tea, (I won't tell you what I put in the tea) and I'm right back here on this computer.
It just depresses me to no degree to see my mom in this condition. She's always been the life of the party, heck that's where I got it from. But now the tables have turned so drastically. I just couldn't stay there. Am I wrong?
I don't think I will stay the entire night tonight, my sister's kids are there 16 and 19 years old so I think I'll go for a while and come home. I'll go back Tuesday as she has a Dr's appt and I've got to take her. We ride the Access which is equipped for wheelchairs and it only cost $2.25 each way. Leave the driving to them.
It's rough, it really is but I just thank God that my mom likes the new lady who has really been a blessing. Very professional, and very positive and knows what she's doing.
I don't have real estate POA my moms house is in her trust and goes to both my sister and I should anything happen to her but I do have Financial POA. My mom didn't want to give either one of us Medical POA but I have written a long letter to Kaiser and advised them that I will be handling things for her. When she first got sick I made myself known when I was requesting everything that she needed. Even had to threaten to call Michael Moore if she couldn't get the things she needed: Medical bed, Trapeze bar, hoya lift (I returned that), and things like that.
So that's the latest and I look forward to your comments and thank you everyone so very much. I hope everything is going OK in your loved ones world.
You all deserve medals.
Since my sister is in the hospital again, (see HELP I AM DESPERATE), I'm jipped all over again. My mother's care giver worked today from 7am to 7pm, Sunday 1/10/10 to help me out after I had to suddenly go to my moms after my sister was hospitalized.
So now since my sister's husband and her daughter are not reliable and won't convey to me when they'll be there, or not, and my nephew comes and goes, (remember they all live in my moms house with her), so now I have to go over my moms house by 7pm to stay with my mom until 7 am when Crystal arrives.
Daily I go over there at 11 to bring my mom a dinner, then I'd go over at 3 till my sister comes home. OK so I'm increasing Crystals hours to 7 am to 7pm but how fair is that for me to have to go over and spend the night there. Even when my sister comes home she won't feel very good. Oh by the way this is a result of Gastric Bypass Surgery, the colon is blocked, hmmm.
I am so grateful that I found out last Friday that my mom was approved for Medical, this will truly help me out, now I'll pay the Agency and myself since I have been the one who's done practically all of the work for my mom.
But it really makes me angry that my sister and her family consistently get a FREE RIDE. If I put my mom in a nursing home, you best bet I'd do everything I could to get my sister's family out of my moms house. Why should they be allowed to remain there and my mom have to be in a home.
Honestly I am sick of being the one who has to do it all, just sick to death. No time for me, or my sons. I love my mom am I being unreasonable??????????
No spellchecking folks, sorry.
Your sibling is doing the classic "throw a tantrum and excuse yourself from responsibility." It has happened to me.
I now look at it this way: My mom is my prime concern. I trust my instincts and move forward. If you have her PoA, you mother has put you in charge because she trusts you.
You are correct to fire the "busy body." My mom tends to make friends with anyone who comes into her home. I keep telling her that these people are paid to WORK...they are not your friends or family and not there to socialize. I instruct them on what they need to do and keep a close eye on everyone. If I had a gut instinct that some one was crossing the line, I would fire them in a heartbeat. There are too many good agencies out there that will be competing for your business.
Even if your mom protests, always do what is best for her.
Any suggestions?
She was messing up mom's meds and she was a nurse!!! The last nerve was snapped when she started kicking my puppy. I fired her . It was easier since she never worked summers and it was a natural ending. After the summer was over, I called her and told her we didn't need her anymore. It was painless since I didn't give mom a say in the matter. She was not seeing it as a safety issue. I was so relieved to have her out of my house.
If you are not comfortable with the situation, follow your instincts!!! I did and replaced her with a wonderful woman from the agency. She is the best I have ever had, and respect her work ethics. Good luck.
This morning, (Monday) my mom called me @ 7:15 AM and asked if I'd changed the care-giver, if I'd changed her hours from 7 to 3. I said yes, and my mom said that the care-giver told her "I DON'T WORK THOSE HOURS", and told my mother thank you for being such a great client and LEFT!. Do you hear me, she LEFT!!!! Luckily my sister was there and went to work late. I'm sure Jerroldanne talked to my sister prior to leaving though.
I told my mom that I'd be over straight away. On my way I called the new agency and asked if the new lady could come over today for training and so she did.
Now I am very angry that Jerroldanne Harroldson left and you best believe I phoned the agency and told them in which they said she can no longer work for them because she'd abandoned her post, so to say, but there must be something else that I can do to alert people about this unprofessional. If she was upset with the hours, shy did she agree when the agency called to inform her? I didn't mind her cancelling at that time, but to do so this way really let's me know the reason she did it was to start mess.
Luckily my mom was really OK with it. I'd already expressed my dissatisfaction with this lady to my mom. And my intentions were to lose her all together. So I should feel happy, but I kind of feel for my mom. It seemed better to just outright cut the ties as soon as possible and with no hesitation and I certainly have no remorse for doing so. Does that make me mean, coneiving, no that just makes me an attentive daughter who is cautious. And that is what we should all be.
Ms. Crystal kept calling my mom "mamma" and my mom said that she had some good ideas. But I have to tell you that I am so happy to get rid of that troublemaker that I don't know what to do. Of course I'm sure my sister will talk to my mom tonight and my mom will further confront me with questions 2morrow and my answers will be that I did what I felt in my heart that I needed to do and that will be that.
I called the agency and told them to reduce GODZILLA's hours from 7 a to 7 p to 7 a to 3 pm. They said OK and will call her tomorrow.
I'm sure she will complain to my mom and my sister, but I will go over there at 3 and stay till my sister comes home. Only thing about that is my sister will take advantage and stay out as long as possible but that's OK, it's worth it to get her out, and this new lady IN.
Gosh I hope she works out.
I'll keep you posted though.
By the way I'm certainly glad I found this website!
One of the biggest problems is the lack of laws on the books to protect elderly parents from abuse when the adult children can clearly see it. The emotional dependency of the aging parent on the caregiver who may or may not be taking advantage of them will often keep them from speaking out because they are afraid of loosing them. This is probably a poor analogy, but to expect an emotionaly dependent victim of an abusive care giver to file charges is like expecting an abused child to file charge against their parents or other relatives. We need new laws.