So after her 5 falls in a week I finally got tough with her and insisted on calling paramedics. Apparently after 24 hours of many tests (more to go still) my mother admitted that 2 weeks before visiting me she had sudden loss of feeling in her whole right side of her body. And has been consistently falling but was afraid to miss her vacation so decided to hide it from me. Now the hospital feels she had a stroke. There is a blockage in her one artery and they are taking her for specialized mri tomorrow due to her pacemaker. My sisters live in Pennsylvania and I live in florida. My mother has an apartment near my sisters and wants to stay independent or move in with me. I cannot take care of her full time in this condition. I'm not qualified, cannot lift her, and have to work full time. I do not know what to do. Anyone have any experience with stroke and paralysis? What options usually are recommended? Any experience advice much welcomed
It is okay to tell her straight out that living with you isn't an option. As much as we love our parents, we need to set and enforce boundaries, especially when they are manipulative.
From everything she has going on, it sounds like she hasn't ever really taken care of herself, most people at 63 are still working full-time, doing activities and planning for retirement travel, she needs a double knee replacement, has now had a stroke, deals with depression, incontinence and a host of other issues. That says professional care to me. Because she won't be compliant based on prior history.
Make it clear that she needs to get strong enough to go home or the paperwork for a nursing home needs to start because your home isn't on the list of options.
Make sure that the discharge planner and social worker know that you CAN NOT care for her. This will get them looking at other options for rehabilitation.
I have to say that her manipulation has cost her more then she will ever know. Stroke is less likely to cause long term adverse issues if treated within 24 hours. So she screwed herself with her nonsense and you are not obligated to pay for that choice.
Best of luck, these are tough situations to be sure.
Your mother is showing very poor judgment and lack of reasoning skills. Is this "always" or is it new?
She needs a thorough psych eval while in the hospital. Start pressing for that now.
It was only when my mom was formally diagnosed with cognitive loss that my siblings stopped saying that mom was " sharp as a tack" and "bringing this (her anxiety) on herself".
Ask for a psychiatric consult before she is discharged. I agree with Beatty; it very much sounds like the stroke has impaired her thinking skills.
Not that my mom expected that, but when she called me at work 3 days in a row for a (non) emergency, I sat down and said " Mom, I can't do this anymore".
I meant it. I backed off.
If your mom "doesn’t seem to care" then there is some cognitive disconnect. Point that out to the medical team. It sounds like she is thinking like a toddler.
Don't screw up your life because your parent assumes that you are a built in caregiver. There are alternatives. Tell the social worker/discharge planner that you need to work.
Mom manipulated coming to FL so the OP would have to take her in. OP needs to make it clear to whatever hospital mom is in that it would be an unsafe discharge to return her to OP's home. Mom is going to be stuck in a FL care facility until her PA daughters do something to bring her back to PA. Mom orchestrated this entire thing to get what she wanted.
When she talks about living with you, answer matter-of-factly that she needs to work hard and recover so she can go back to her own apartment. I'd start with "Oh I don't think so mom. I think it would be much better for you to go back to your own apartment. Where you know people and have your life. You'd be bored silly down here with me working so much and you not knowing anyone."
Then when you know the reality of her situation after some rehab, then you might have to delve into the need for additional care in her own apartment. Or she might need assisted living or even a nursing home. Too many things are unknown now. Let the staff know in no uncertain terms that you are NOT equipped to care for you in her home and she will not be discharged to your home.
Push them HARD to send her to rehab.
If she needs to go to a facility, I guess the question really is where? Near you or back up in PA? I'd vote PA cuz that's where her life is?
Mom will then get to set realistic goals for herself with her medical team. This hopefully includes Physiotherapist (for working with her to regain mobility, strength & balance) & an OT (to find what assistive equipment may be needed now & in the future).
Care meetings can be arranged with her team periodically & include you & sister by phone/video (with Mom's permission of course).
At the end of the rehab stay, it will be apparent if independent living is a viable option, either alone or with visiting home help. If that is not recommended/not safe, then discussions move to what will be an appropriate care setting.
IF at that stage you put your hand up to house Mom, it is preferable to do a *trial of care* to see how it goes - for both of you. But as you have stated this is not possible, you can skip that step.
Therefore Mom will need to work out alternative living arrangements. This is often Assisted Living. This usually requires legal & financial advice.
It all sounds so daunting... but try not to to jump ahead.
Wait until the rehab stage, breathe, keep talking to Mom & Sister, keep being updated, keep breathing. Watch & wait.
The future will work out one way of another.
Has she been admitted to the hospital? I would assume so. Hopefully she stays for enough nights (2 or 3?) to be able to go to rehab with some time paid by medicare. I would set some goals as to what she needs to be able to do before she is discharged. Walk safely. Get in and out of a car safely. Walk far enough to get from bathroom to her bedroom.
If you do not want her to move in with you, I would suggest not letting her come back to your house at all. If she thinks moving in with you is a valid option, it could be realllly hard to get her to agree to leave. Maybe she makes a great recovery and can go back to her apartment. Maybe she'll need an aide there but that's viable.
How did she get from PA to FL?