OK, my mom calls, says she took a tumble. She does not want to go to the doctor and check her arm, where she hit it against the fridge. She wants me to go get her cigarettes. I go there, look at her arm (a bit swollen in the forearm, but she can move her fingers and wrists, albeit it's a bit sore). Again, is she sure she wouldn't want to see her doctor, which is up the road and they can do an x-ray there? No. Only cigarettes. So I go get her cigarettes and try again about the doctor. It's tense because I'm angry because she's been in her narcissistic mood swings. Just a week ago I received a letter from her telling me not to call her anymore (one of many) and now of course she can't roll her cigarettes so her sucker/child is needed to get them for her. I left and told her to enjoy the smokes and to call me when she wanted to go to the doctor or really wanted to get help for her health problems.
But, can I force her to see her doctor in cases like this? In a sensible world it's not unreasonable to want to get an xray to make sure there's no break. But in her world money is only for spending on cigarettes -- not on anything (hearing aid, gerontologist, neurologist) that might actually make her later years a bit better.
Your life will be destroyed.
He used to take the taxi because he refused to drive after he almost got into an accidents twice while driving. He would complain about the cost of the taxi ($10).
With regards to grocery, can you just buy your mom the essentials? Just automatically buy what she eats the most - that is not junk food. Then it's up to her to eat it or not. Keep all receipts, photocopy it if it's one of those cheap receipts that fade in time.
One of her friends just died on Sunday and another friend is getting a big flower arrangement to send to the family and all my mom can do is rant about her $15 cut. She is convinced this is a racket. Well, don't send the money then. Easy as that. She still has to go on. Finally I change the subject and ask again if she is willing to see the doctor about the legs swelling. No. But she assures me she's going to die very soon and I need to call her once a week so she doesn't just rot there. Never mind that I've spoken to her every other day for the last few weeks! So she wants attention but I'm frustrated because I'm trying to work and am too dumb to just cut the call short. She assures me this time she really is going to die soon. I don't know anymore. She's been dying from something for 30 years. It's crying wolf. She always gets "sick" or "near death" when she wants attention. One day she'll die and it'll be like the wolf finally came.
Is it cruel of me to say sometimes I wish she would die? If it was someone who wasn't bitter about $15 for a funeral flower arrangement or who had made-up ailments half the time or who accuses me of being mental or having my period every time I'm too quiet (or I'm too like my dad, who's been dead for 25 years) or a little too firm on the phone it'd be one thing, but this version ... I don't like her very much!
All I can say is I'm very angry and frustrated about the whole situation with my mom. I was in therapy a few years back and stopped when my husband was laid off and we lost our good insurance but I'm going to see how much it costs out-of-pocket. If I can swing it or find something affordable, I'm going to try and go again. This whole situation is making me too angry and bitter and that's not going to help anyone.
The only thing is, she's told you, now, about her legs (would have been better if she hadn't, given that she then refuses to do anything about it, but there it is - she has). And you've put it on the forum. And we know, and you know, that - assuming it is true that her legs are really badly swollen, and she doesn't just mean her ankles are a bit puffy after a hard day's ironing - this is a major symptom. Which means that doing nothing, while still an option, might be something you later regret.
The thing is, if it were me and not you, I'd be free to think "well, okay, you don't want to see a doctor, it's your life, I'm calling your bluff" - it wouldn't turn round and kick me in the b.t.m. if anything were to happen to her.
I don't know why I'm whittering on at you. Hope the doctor can get something moving and that, either way, your mother gets whatever medical attention she does want. I expect the truth is she has very mixed feelings about carrying on, sometimes - after all, don't we all, at least a bit?
I'm going to go and have some coffee. Morning everyone!
Recently (3 nights ago) my DH fell and hit his head, was bleeding and I had to call neighbors in to assist me in getting him up. The bleeding had already stopped and no cuts could be found. He refused to go to the ER as, in his words, "there is no cure for being 95.
I agreed as he was still in his right mind and not bleeding from the head wound. Instead I watched him carefully for signs of concussion which would have necessitated calling 911.
He fell again the next day in the bathroom, causing skin-tears on both arms. This time I was the one that knew the ER couldn't bandage him as well as I could, I've been doing it for 32 years. BUT, I took him to the doctor on Monday! They checked him over and he was ok.
I'm telling you this because as long as a person is in their right mind, I do believe they also have the right to make their own decisions. Had the need arisen, I would have overruled him and called for an ambulance.
By purchasing her cigarettes, you became an enabler - I believe it's called "co-dependent" and that I won't personally do. I was never able to get my mother to go to the doctor and told her all I could do was try and she wouldn't ever make me feel guilt. So when she called me, haughty as all get-out, telling me she had cancelled the doctor's appointment and not to come pick her up, I said I thought you would and told her to have a nice day.
Will this help you? I don't know. But at some point in life, children must grow up and not be afraid of their parents anymore. Respect is earned, not a birthright.
If your mother doesn't want to go to a physician, let her know that *whatever* it is her choice and go on with your day. It is what I did and I have no regrets. After her passing, I assisted my Dad for 7 years and he too had to learn to trust my judgement but that I would honor his decisions. I had no problems with him after that.