My grandmother reached the point where she needed full care and is 100% dependent on others. She lived in Kentucky and my father and step mother decided to move her into their home in California because they felt guilty about putting her into a home. They own their own business and my wife and I both work for them because we are in school and they are flexible with our hours. They figured out they bit more off than they could chew by bringing her on. So they told my wife and I that we need to take care of her when we aren't at work because it is "our duty as family". And after saying no they threatened to fire us at our jobs. So we are forced to care for her. We literally spend every moment we arent at work caring for her. Wake her up, clean up her bed, carry her down stairs, feed her, physical therapy, speech therapy, bathroom trips, more sheet cleaning, throw up cleaning, medication, the whole 9 yards. Then we get to go into work. Then we go to school, then back to grandma. And after an entire day of this my wife and I get to have dinner and if we can manage it, stay up and watch tv for an hour then go to sleep. I am 23 by the way. My whole life revolves around this. I want my life back. My wife and I constantly fight about things. This whole situation is garbage. I was in the Army and nothing I put up with there compares to this madness. I feel horrible for thinking this way but I just want her to die so I can save my marriage and have my life back. I can not quit my job or risk being fired I need to pay the bills. And before anyone says it, I am not using my GI Bill I am saving it. I feel terrible but I literally see her and hope she doesnt wake up when I get her up in the morning. I hate my life right now. I put in my time for my country and was excited about getting out and moving on with my life. Now I wish I would have enlisted for another 4 years. Does anyone have any tips? Similar experiences? I AM GOING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This whole situation is garbage.
You should be able to love your grandmother, visiting her occasionally, NOT being responsible for her care.
Your parents can't bare to place her where she can get good care 24/7, and they can't take care of her themselves. Looks like they'll have to come up with another solution, doesn't it?
I tried to put myself in your wife's place. // "All I see is that my husband is putting his family first before me, before our marriage. To me, they will always come first. Yes, husband promises this or that. But I look at the over-all picture. And I don't see any ending soon. So, I become discontent. I'm not happy. I experienced what marriage was suppose to be - you work, come home, we snuggle afterwards, maybe eat out or go to a movie. Where's all this? Now, it's just work and grandmother." (Well, you know your wife, just replace some of my words with hers.)
Guilt and Obligation - is what your father is doing to you. Think about those 2 words carefully. HOW is your father playing on your guilt? On Obligation?
I know the family obligations of caregiving family - no matter what. Think very carefully of the now and of your future. I've been helping my dad caregive mom when I was age 24. That was 24 years ago. My dream was to move to the states and take long weekend holidays to travel all over Europe. I put that on hold - thinking that mom would not live too long. What little I knew about dementia. Mom passed away 2 years ago. Then dad got His Stroke. He's age 86 and he's still going strong. Now, I'm so torn at the moment of what I now want in life. I stayed on this low paying, no retirement plan job because of the work flexibility. When mom needed to go to the ER, I was able to drop everything and just go. So, James, please think very very carefullly on this. You and your wife will end up being the caregiver if another member needs caregiving. Because you both have experience, you're the children (that's why they have children- to take care of them in their old age - per my dad) and because it's family.
You and your wife needs to sit down and figure out the today and the tomorrow. Set goals. Goal 1 - strengthen your marriage. Goal 2 - find an alternative caregiver for Grandmother. Goal 3 - seek another job if parents won't compromise/cooperate. Goal 4.... Goal 5.....
By being so dependent on your parents you have no choice in the matter. You initially said NO to being a caregiver; they made threats and here you are....still tied to the apron strings. Hard to believe you came out of the military so willing to become a child again! It could be a tough few years once you accept responsibility for your own future. But what a sense of accomplishment! Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage, happiness, independence and self esteem for a paycheck? Good luck. Being an adult is not always easy!
See All Answers