Forcing a sick person to eat. Does anyone share this issue?

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My dad passed away this past summer at his home on hospice care. He’d long dealt with end stage congestive heart failure and was so very tired of the struggle. His appetite definitely decreased over time. He had his last food of any sort 5 days before he died, he neither wanted nor could handle food any more. Our hospice nurse told us the importance of keeping him hydrated, though it wouldn’t be to what we’d think of as a normal level. The last few days, on the advice of a nurse, I made ice chips from his favorite drink and spooned them into his mouth. He ate them happily like a baby bird. The wise nurse had pointed out that it would be hydration and his favorite flavor. Please have the hospice nurse explain the lack of needing food and even the harm it can do to your husband. And know that you’re doing better than you think you are in a very hard time. I wish you all peace

Your husband is in deep denial to death. I am sorry for this, and I doubt, given all he has seen coming, that you will change this for him. Do let hospice know of his attitude and of your own. Be as comforting as you are able to be acknowledging his grief, but telling him that this is YOUR father, and you will honor your father's wishes and beliefs now, as his life ends. I am very sorry that your husband is not strong enough to offer you and your father love and comfort, but remains bogged down in his mistaken belief. I saw this sometimes as a nurse. Such people can truly destroy the peace that is so deserved. I am so sorry for your loss, and sorrier still that your husband is unable to muster the strength to help you both through.
As to guilt? I think not. You are hardly a felon who takes joy in the pain of others, or in the last hours and days of someone you love. You are a person who is grieving. That is the appropriate G word.

The people who have answered before me have given very good advice. Eating and offering food is very deeply ingrained in our psyches as more than mere sustenance but as a way to show love and hospitality, many, many people have difficulty accepting that insisting that someone is made to eat at the end of life is not a kindness. I think this youtube video from Teepa Snow is helpful, perhaps you will too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNJxq4J5kYY

It is utterly ridiculous to think you FORCE someone to eat, and attempts to FORCE FEED almost inevitably cause pain for both the victim AND THE FEEDER.

Don’t fight with your husband and don’t listen to him.

Your husband is an idiot.

Okay, sorry, I will start again, this time with the charitable approach.

Your husband clearly has some concern that your father is being quietly, gently but deliberately bumped off. He, your husband, has perhaps been reading nasty stories about hospice doping people so that they die quicker.

Somebody he respects needs to explain to your husband what is involved in end-stage COPD and end-stage congestive heart failure. Why is your husband so convinced that your father is able to recover? How long has your dad been living with you?

Why does your husband have any say in this?

He is wrong. Tell him so, and have the Hospice nurse and social worker tell him why.

Follow your dad’s requests and needs. He isn’t hungry.

Food isn’t beneficial at this point. It’s counterproductive to force him to eat.

My brother didn’t eat at the end of hospice. The nurse told us not to expect him to eat.

It might help if your husband spoke to the hospice staff.

You may want to be present and ask them to say it is a ‘family’ meeting so your husband doesn’t feel singled out.

It really helped our family to speak to the hospice social worker and clergy.

They were wonderful in answering any concerns that we had about his transitioning.

The nurses kept him comfortable and were there to address any of our medical concerns.

Hospice will be with you throughout the entire process, even after his death.

Wishing you peace during this heartbreaking time in your lives.

My mother hasn't eaten in a month. She drinks an Ensure on some days, but she drinks water.

Tell your husband the nurse knows what she's doing. Have him read the literature I'm sure the hospice provided (or will provide soon). It will talk about the stages of dying.

Most of all, tell him calmly that his job is to be supportive, and if he can't do that, then he needs to find something else to occupy himself during this time.

Where did your husband get his MD, PA, or Nursing Degree from?

Assuming he has none, tell him to piss off and listen to the nurse. Actively dying people usually refuse food and drink.

Your dad could get respiration pneumonia if he is forced to eat. I’m sure the nurse has explained that to you. It’s a catch 22. He needs nourishment to thrive, to heal but the body knows food won’t help now and one can live for quiet awhile without food. Indeed the body may not be able to process the food. If DH needs to talk to a therapist, a minister, another hospice worker, a friend, perhaps a sibling or child it might be helpful. Your husband may need to be out of the house if possible to be away from your dad at this time. He may be afraid for your father. He may be grieving your father. He may not recognize those feelings for what they are. This is your dads time to transition and your time to be with your dad. Try not to be too upset with your DH though it is upsetting I know. I truly know. With CHF there is extreme fatigue. There is no virtue in your dad having to live an hour or day or even longer to make your husband feel more comfortable. He may not be able to accept that. We all age and we all die. I know that is very obvious but live pretending it isn’t true. It’s good that your father gave you clear instructions and you are honoring those.
I know how hard this time is for you and I’m sorry you are having to focus on your husbands feelings but he is not where you are. His level of understanding or acceptance may take awhile. It could be a form of denial. My hope is that you can honor one another’s feelings and comfort one another through this difficult time.

I’m so sorry. Our family was in a similar position when my MIL was on hospice, dying of pulmonary fibrosis. It is really difficult to accept that your loved one is not going to get better. In my MILs case, her long time partner was her primary caregiver and he was like your husband, he insisted MIL needed to eat in order to keep her strength up. He knew she wasn’t going to get better, I really think he was trying to prolong her life which I understand. But it was very difficult trying to deal with him while my MIL, the heart and soul of the family, was withering away to nothing right before our eyes. I agree with Loopyloo wholeheartedly-have the hospice nurse have a firm discussion with him about why your dad does not need to food anymore. Did hospice give you the booklet “gone before my sight”? If you’ve got that booklet, encourage your husband to read it. It does a good job explaining why a dying person doesn’t need to eat and why it can be dangerous and cause them discomfort. I read the booklet shortly after my MIL started hospice & it really helped me understand what was going on and what to expect. I recognized when my MILs body started shutting down. Her partner still insisted she need to eat even when hospice asked him to stop feeding her. I don’t know for sure but I suspect when we weren’t present, he pressured her to eat. Every time we were there, he would serve her a meal and then leave us to visit her. And she wouldn’t eat, but he told me a few times that she had eaten breakfast or lunch that day. About a week before she passed, she became really constipated because her body was shutting down and could no longer digest food. I suspect she was probably taking a few bites here and there to make her partner happy. Anyway....it was not good. She became quite uncomfortable and in pain. The hospice nurse was ready to give her an enema which MIL really did not want and being told that she would have to get one if she didn’t poop in a day was very upsetting for her, but finally the stool softeners worked. But needless to say, an already suffering woman, who chose hospice so she could pass comfortably at home, was made quite uncomfortable for a few days. And we could have avoided it. Anyway I am so very sorry. I hope the hospice nurse is able to get through to your husband. His heart is in the right place but I don’t think he realizes he’s making the situation worse for you.

My mother was like this when her father was dying in the ICU. She'd ask the nurses every day if he was improving. He wasn't. The doctor flat out told her he was dying and it was just a matter of time. She didn't hear a word of it. This went on for three more days. It took a meeting with two nurses and a doctor, where they sat her down and kindly but firmly said he had no chance of recovery and it was time to make a decision. When they removed the ventilator, he died within 30 minutes. He had been ready to go.

So... your husband may need a loving but firm chat with the hospice nurses. It's so sad and frustrating when someone just cannot accept what is coming.

Do not let him try to feed Dad, even liquids (choking hazard). Ultimately it is best if you insist on following Dad's wishes. Approaching it as "we may not like it, but it's what he wants" might help. Doing anything contrary to Dad's wishes would be hurting him, and I'm sure your husband wouldn't want that.