I'm so upset right now that I almost don't have the energy to type out my thoughts. I have so much to say. So much to write. I have been up for 2 hours crying in bed, sick.
I gave up my job to go to my parent's house to spend time with my mom and help while she is on hospice. I have 2 small children who are with me.
I feel taken advantage of at times. I feel like a slave. I feel disappointed at how I'm treated and how my children are treated. My mother is always crabby, and quite frankly..... Right now... The way I feel is that I like it when she's passed out sleeping because she's not so negative, so critical, so crabby. I used to feel guilty for those feelings, but right now.... I don't..
My dad has treated me like a child and has underminded my parenting at times.
I just don't have the energy to type a whole lot or explain. Maybe I'll feel more up to it later.
My mom has stage IV cancer and is on hospice. I feel so disappointed at the time spent here with her. So very disheartening....
Anyone else have these feelings?
Which means it's time for you to get out of there and go back to work. Visit once a week (or whatever you pre determine to be best) and take your life back. If it were me, I'd leave the children home for most of the visits, too, because they're young and may feel traumatized by the atmosphere in their grandparents' home. Unless you feel that SOMETHING positive is gained for them by the experience, then don't expose them to it. Childhood is so fragile and so short lived; allow them to remember grandma in a positive and loving light. That's my suggestion.
And finally, hospice can drag on for quite a long time. My mother has a friend who had a TON of serious health issues and wound up being on hospice for nearly 3 YEARS. Nobody can say how long a terminal person will live; only God has that information and we're not privy to it.
You've done enough, methinks. Time to step back now & rethink your next steps in this troublesome situation. Wishing you the very best of luck moving forward.
I want you to consider your nursing skills. What skill is it at the end of life that you have that the other members of your family lack? Can they not change diapers? Not wipe lips with swabs? Not pull drops out of a bottle? I think they are fine doing those things.
It may be that you are hoping to get some kind of affirmation from your mom that she's never given you. She sounds like she and your dad are unappreciative. You have given enough for now. You don't have to knock yourself silly to work towards a goal that may never come.
Your children are being affected. I remember when mthr took me on a long trip to my grandfather's house to clean it out. I remember being told to play on the walkway of the townhouse in a city, and to never talk to strangers. I remember vividly a very tall woman coming up to me and asking where my mother was, and freezing in fear because a stranger was talking to me and would surely kidnap me.
I remember nothing else. I was about 4 or 5. What vivid memories will your children keep? Control what they are exposed to!
Can you get your job back? Can you go back to your own place? This is not working. You need to get out. You are in their house so hard to set boundries.
I agree with you now. I wish now more times than not that I did NOT quit my job for MANY reasons. My bills are taken care of. So, that's not a concern at this particular moment in time (thankfully).
Can I get my job back? Sure I can always start back. I started babysitting from home a few months before mom was rushed to the ER, admitted, and then sent home on hospice. I quit my job then.. I was a stay-at-home mama so that I could spend more time with my children. I was a stay-aat-home mama for 3 years (10 years of nursing prior,). My children and I can always return back to our home, and I could always pick up babysitting from home again truth be told. Financially I don't have too but I like too for extra spending money for my babies.
Yes, boundaries are VERY hard to set in THEIR house. Yes ma'am they are!
Thank you for your response..
Your current situation is clearly not working and must change.
Definitely agree!
Sorry, I just read your updates - there is no need for you to subject your children to this when there are other people available, for goodness sake go home and limit your help to the days and hours your husband can be there with the kids!
Respite care - Up to 5 consecutive days at the hospice facility to give caregivers a break! I need to remind my dad and sister of this.
My mom woke me up at 06:30am by snapping her fingers VERY hard, VERY long for a long time. She wanted a glass of orange juice and 2 pieces of buttered toast with cinnamon sugar. Why snap fingers? I guess because she didn't want to exert herself speaking (?) Nor wake the kids (?). We sleep on the sofa bed in the TV room next to her room (former dining room). I was up for 3 hours straight last night, and then when I did sleep I woke every 30 minutes to an hour partly because my kids are all over the bed and partly due to my stomach being upset and thinking about everything.
Thank you for reminding me of this!
I was only (very!) briefly a live-in caregiver for my mother, which turned out to be just over a week when she became nearly helpless because of some muscle strains. It was awful. But from that experience, I figured out that I would never do personal care for my mother.
She lived "independently" in her condo 7 minutes from me. I called myself the "Dummy Daughter Driver," because that is all I was when she gave up driving at age 90 -- her driver. She did not like the boundaries I put on that, would not let me grocery shop for her (I wouldn't pick out the exact right piece of fruit, can, box, etc.). Anything I had to drive her to do took hourssss....She doubled-down on the orders about how to do every.single.little.thing because that gave her the illusion of control. I was stupid, and didn't know anything at all, according to her.
And she was ungrateful. She was very angry when I brought up being compensated. "You don't pay FAMILY!" she hissed at me. Yet whenever I brought up something that one of 3 (out of state, of course!) brothers could do for her, she turned on me and nastily said, "They are busy!" I was told that I was always a nasty person, my time wasn't worth anything, blahblahblah. She would have these "crying/shaking/shaming/blaming" fits. I could just feel a wall go up inside me to protect myself and a switch turn off any caring about her when that happened. I think that might be about where you are right now with your mother.
It was a very quick decline for her, when a gallbladder infection landed her in the hospital for 17 days, then a SNF for rehab, and then at that same SNF (same room, even) for long term care.
I ended up being paid for the time I had to spend with her, from when she stopped driving. One of my POA brothers agreed to it -- $20/hour. It was all a "gift" to me for what I did. She would be very angry if she knew!
And if she was more pleasant and appreciative, perhaps it wouldn't have come to that. But with the money, I treated her as just a job. Our relationship (never wonderful, but not bad) would never recover. But it made me feel less emotional about it all, too -- it was just a job.
Your mother has two functioning adults in the house with her. She can - and believe me, I am prepared to allow almost *any* latitude to people who are living with cancer - snap her fingers at them.
Just go home. God willing, once you've got your breath back and circumstances have eased up on every front, there will be time for you to reset your approach to your mother, and to the rest of the family too.
Go home. Have a think about where the boundaries should be, and return with them in place.