Mom leaves the disposable underpants on the sink counter. When I ask her to put it in the pail, she says it does not belong to her. Says she doesn't leave anything on counter. However, I'm looking at it everyday. The bathroom smells awful. She closes the bathroom door all day when she use to keep it open. I've posted before, so for a quick background, mom has dementia. She is also wearing two underpants on top of the depends to "hold" the urine in.What? Is it time to start taking away her underpants and leave only the depends? The caregiver has try to get her to dispose of the depends, but she says mom tells her she is going to put it in the pail herself. But I come home and she tells me to do it and if I don't I'm wrong. I feel like she is trying to punish me by leaving it out on purpose so I have to clean it up. I have been doing well of not snapping back at her when she gets in my face, I walk away. I'm just at a lost that she won't put the depends in the disposal bin, I even labeled it for her and put it in a discreet place to give her some dignity. Let me go, she's having a dementia moment now. Any suggestions are welcomed. Also, every time she goes to the bathroom, she takes the depends off and puts on a new one. These things are not cheap! I tried to explain that you throw them away when you use them, not just pull them down and pee. In 4 days an entire pack is gone.
I'd focus on only providing things that she can't tear up, break or harm herself with within her reach. Only the caregivers would have access to the depends and they accompany her to the bathroom each time. Getting cooperation is great, if possible, but, hygiene is a must or she or others could get sick. Eventually, due to the mess and inability to properly handle it, all bathroom and bathing has to be supervised.
To answer your question, mom puts the unspoiled depends in the trashcan in her bathroom/on the counter. They are piled in/on either. She calls herself washing her underpants in the sink and then hanging them on the drying rack in her room. This is what she has done most of my life, however, now with her dementia she is not washing them as clean as she use to (not using detergent). So maybe, I need to remove the trashcan in her bathroom and only have the bin available. I'm now thinking the smell is so strong because maybe she puts water on the depends as well. She's been wearing them for over three months now and never left them on the counter. This counter stuff started two weeks ago.
So, maybe her bathroom time is becoming increasingly confusing to her. She is taking longer than expected in there. She has been putting way more tissue in the toliet causing problems. Every other day she tells me she needs tissue. I've had to hide it in my room along with the cleaning products and paper towels.
So let's see how today goes when I take the trashcan out of her bathroom and only the bin remains. She's usually sleeping when I leave for work.
However, I just had a vision of her getting a plastic grocery bag and using it as trash because she does that now with the trashcan. Prayerfully, I'll figure out something.
When I say she's being passive/aggressive, I don't mean in an adult, thinking it through kind of way. I mean it in a reaction that a child might have when they are mad or upset about something.
Trust me - I know there is no reasoning with dementia - I've been saying exactly that since I started here on AC.
But - I think it's fair to say that putting a used Depends on the bathroom counter instead of in a canister - assuming the canister is right next to the toilet- is not reasonable but - to the person doing it, in their mind there is some reason - no matter how "off" it might be. I think it's a hard sell to say putting in the canister is more difficult or that there is any natural instinct to put it on the counter... does that make any sense? So - why? What is her motivation?
Then I couple that with the throwing away of the unsoiled depends- that also seems to be a purposeful move to me as this woman has spent a lifetime pulling panties up and down - not taking them off and throwing them away.
Which brings me to an obvious question I should have asked before - when she throws out the worn but unsoiled depends - is she putting those on the counter or in the canister?
I know this suggestion sounds unpleasant- and a lot rides on if that is her bathroom and you can use a different one - but I'd try just leaving them there. I'd also quit mentioning the cost of her tossing them unused.
Your mother is acting like a defiant child - kind of an "I'll show her" (meaning you) attitude. As with a child, I'd try ignoring it - quit giving her the reaction she wants.
I know a lot of people will say people with dementia can't manipulate and plot. I strongly disagree. I lived it with my own mother for a couple years - before things got to the more sevear stages.