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Wow, I have a lot of mixed thoughts on this one. I’m an only child so when it came down to taking care of Mom it was all on me. I consider myself fortunate that her younger sister was there and unlike yours able to get around alone and be there to by Mom’s companion when I was not available. I lived about an hour from Mom and Aunt had her own home another 45 minutes away. Aunt would come and spend Monday noon – Friday noon with Mom and I would either come Friday night or Saturday and stay until Sunday evening. Fortunately Mom could be left for at least ½ a day or longer alone. While I wasn’t burdened with entertaining my Aunt I knew she and Mom were important to each other as I am sure your own sister was to you. Most of the time my Aunt sat & read and Mom napped and watched TV or did puzzle books. When the time came to place Mom in SNF we chose to move her closer to Aunt so she could visit every day. Yes it was harder on my especially having a family with a husband that worked nights and a 14 year old son home with a broken leg. We made it work. After Mom passed my Aunt told me over and over how grateful she was for the time she and Mom had together. What a great time they had reminiscing about their childhood, their parents and their older sister who had already passed. Ten years later Aunt is still with us and I try to go out of my way to visit her when we go home to visit my husband’s siblings or my cousins on Dad’s side. I talk to her on the phone every couple of weeks and we have her and her son’s family for Thanksgiving and Easter dinners. Cousin and I split the travel to have her with us, he’ll go pick her up (he lives about an hour from her) we then have her stay a night or two with us and I take her home. I get to hear wonderful stories about growing up in the 30’s and about my cousin’s younger years (he’s 8 years older than me). To me it’s all in how you look at it, yes it was a chore but I got to spend time with people that were important to me and important to each other.
However I would set boundaries with your Aunt. Let her know, today I’m going to visit Mom at 10:00 if you want a ride be ready. Today I have numerous errands to run after I visit Mom, do you want me to leave you there or drop you home after out visit. Today I have an interview, I don’t know when I’ll get done and I’ll probably go right from there to see Mom for a quick visit so I can’t bring you with me today but tomorrow we can go at and give her a time. Engage her in conversation during your ride. What were some of their favorite foods when they grew, who were the neighborhood kids they hung out with. How has the town changed over the years? What was their favorite music, movies, actors? Find an old photo album and take it when you visit Mom and have them both go through it.
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Shini- your most recent reply gave me an idea that might help a bit regarding a valid reason to give your aunt as to why you need to visit on a varied schedule. You mentioned the need to stay on top of the NH. Visiting at the same time everyday is counter productive to that - they know when to expect you and can make sure moms all clean, not over medicated and freshly pottied for your visit. I honestly believe to have a good idea on what's really going on at a NH it's important to do surprises visits. Since you visit every day that can only happen if you vastly switch up your visiting times. Try telling auntie that in order to see more of the staff, meal times vs activity times etc your going to start visiting at all different times of day. While this is meant to help break the cycle with your aunt - it will also be beneficial to your mothers care.
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I appreciate more responses. @Rainman, I most definitetly thought of that about going at different times. You can tell how things are different at different times of the day. Thanks

@micki, my therapist had said I have a hard time setting boundaries and I do know that's true. She is continuing to do her daily call with "what time???" She just don't get it. I think if I tell her to call me they day before if she wants to go it will backfire and she will call everyday as she expects to go everyday as it is. I don't want her to come everyday. I don't need or want to hang out with her EVERYDAY! I'd like the courtesy that I want my personal time and space too. And I realized I'd still be digging a hole for myself if I call daily to say I'm busy or say what time I'm going and she should be ready at that time. If she can't catch on that I do other things besides just going to the nursing home that's her problem. I don't even want to get roped into daily calling her to lay down the law. I'm drained enough!

Thanks for the advice, I really needed to vent.
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Listen to your therapist and make changes.
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