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Most of the time, you just aren't going to get the deadbeat sib to do anything. I suppose there might be exceptions to that rule, but 99% of the time you can't get anybody to do anything. They have to be self motivated.
The agreement with the caregiver is to put my dad in bed or in his chair, locked, when he leaves if he is by himself.. Agreement with brother is that he will go to my house after work to keep dad company if I am stuck in traffic.. Common sense can be so un-common..
Dena26, yes have tried came out on several occasions and asked directly for help. And the primary disagreement and almost only is she thinks my mom should have been in a NH years ago. And asking time is over. I really was just making a statement regarding my situation, and could give a rats behind about the subject pertaining to me. lol.
And I'd like to give a whack to your irresponsible brother, Bunny, and the care giver... Did the care giver simply leave your dad in the wheelchair and LEAVE the house, with him alone? Just reading about your dad close to those stairs made my skin crawl... *shudder** She didn't make sure that someone was there first before she left? And left him in an unlocked wheelchair with stairs in the house and no supervision?? And your brother was in a coffee house when he should have been with your dad? Both of their heads would have rolled..
My brother lives about 2 miles away and only comes by if he needs to do his laundry or eat.. I asked him to come over after work to check on dad after the caregiver leaves for the day, and in the past 3 weeks, he stopped by twice.. On Tuesday when I came home, the caregiver left my dad in his wheelchair, unlocked.. Dad was about a foot away from the stair going to the lower level of the house.. My brother was sitting at the coffee house down the street.. He had the nerve to ask why I was upset w/ him.. He came over today to sit w/ dad and told me I had 2 hours for myself.. He is more concerned about finding a way to get dad into the VA than he is about helping out everyone once in a while.. And I just love when he posts comments on Facebook that he is "spending time w/ dad", and everyone compliments what a good son he is.. Sooooo frustrating.. As the others have said in their posts, we as caregivers do what we know is right.. I am proud of myself for helping my dad.. This is driving a wedge between my brother and I, but it's on him to stop avoiding reality.. Not every minute is terrible.. Feels great to vent and commiserate..!
No, you can't make anyone do anything mover2, but if a sibling offers help, I'm saying, take the help and let your sibling share care. Your sister is making a financial contribution. Have you asked her to take care of your parent? Have you told her you want a break, need a break, maybe even an indefinite break? Have you asked and then she just turns you down time and again? Have you had disagreements with her about your parent's care leading to her not making any phone calls? I don't know the exact details of your situation, but as kathyt1 says, she asked and her sibling stepped up.
I cared for my mom for 2 years. My sibling has cared for her for 4 years. I have tried repeatedly to help her care for our mom again, to give her a major break, and each time I've done this, she sabotages the plan. So there are siblings out there who step up and want to help, say so, and would do so. But there are primary caregivers who will not accept help, even though they've asked for help or when help is offered.
My brother did nothing till I asked for help from him outright. I told him I needed him to step up, and gave specifics. Give me a break 11am to 1pm Tuesday and Thursday for two hours. Wednesday he arranges a card game with the nephews, that Dad loves. He can be with just men. He takes my 92 year old Dad for walks. He is faithful, and never criticizes or second guesses me. He also has the POA, and is the executor. Until I asked specifically for what I needed, he was happy to leave it all to me.
I depend on his strength, and tell him so. I tell him how appreciative I am of his efforts. Also he explains things to Dad in a way I never can. I just make Dad angry, Mike gets him to agree, calmly, succinctly. I love him and I tell him often how much I admire his care of Dad. Men do alot, we women don't see or admit is valuable.
My sister sends money to my mom dr. once a month. AND THATS IT! Kinda like a dad that pays child support but does not partake in any daily responsibilities. Not even a phone call. So you cant make anyone do anything. So just don't expect it then if it happens you will be pleasantly surprised lol.
If siblings offer to share caregiving, accept help. Many siblings want to help, offer help and still many sibling caregivers turn that help down. Why?
1) Your sibling still wants to act as primary caregiver while their sibling is caring for their parent. You can't have it both ways. If a sibling is sharing care and that care is in your sibling's home, that sibling becomes primary caregiver, and aside from providing information about your parent's condition/financial considerations you haven't shared with your sibling in the past, you should not try to run the caregiving role from afar once another sibling becomes primary caregiver.
2) If you've been caring for your parent, are POA and Executor of your parent's estate and have depleted your parent's funds in ways that have not been in your parent's best interest; and now expect siblings to deplete their own savings to care for mom or dad, don't expect your siblings to be happy about this situation. Breach of fiduciary trust is serious business, and if, after all that, a sibling is still willing to share care for the sake of your parent, you need to step back, let that sibling take over, and not try to micromanage primary caregiving when your parent has left your home.
3) The power trip: You've been caring for your parent longer than other siblings have cared for mom or day; you say time and again that you need a real break. Your sibling offers to give you that break, and not just for a weekend, or a month, but for an indefinite period of time. Why not take your sibling up on such an offer? Why sabotage every attempt your sibling makes to share care? Many times the primary caregiver can turn into a control freak and will actually reject help unless other siblings allow them to remain primary caregiver, to have absolute control over how that sibling cares for their parent in that sibling's home. The control freak issue is real, and unless your sibling has no experience whatsoever caring for family members/friends; knows nothing about caregiving whatsoever, you need to let go and let your sibling take care of your parent.
So my advice is to ask yourself whether or not your siblings have offered help and whether or not you have played any role in blocking help when it's offered. Certainly, if your siblings have never offered to share care in any way, I'd say they have serious issues you'll probably never understand, or that you are aware of, but find unacceptable. But if they've offered to help and you won't accept help, but then go back to feeling overburdened once you've turned them away, then it might be about you not being able to let go of the primary caregiver role.
Who has POA of finances and medical? Yeah, whoever is doing the care, whether family or non-family, should be paid. Time is money. If no money there for that, then there is medicaid and various agencies to help. I personally believe ANY time spent helping a parent, whether it be paying bills or grocery shopping or meal prep or even doctor visits, should be paid for. Especially if there is money there for it.
ssansqal I wouldnt be too hard on your brother as its a difficult situation. If he wasnt a good father to him then you cant force him to have feelings like you. My brother hasnt spoken to my father in over 20 yrs and i understand his choice although i would like him to forgive him for his own sake. We have all forgiven him and moved on BUT its your brothers choice to feel what he feels so dont be so hard on him. My situation is different as my mum although unhappy and negative was a good mum to us all and thats why they should all help out as she deserves better but they just feel that as im here temporary that it should all be down to me? Siblings whove had a hard time with parents and find it hard to forgive them is not the same as siblings who claim to love them BUT refuse to help out.
I will not be doing this on my own for much longer and have given my siblings a stern warning that either they help OR we put house up for NH.
Haaaaaa! I have to laugh every time I see this question (which is a lot).. It's the age old question.. Does a tree make noise if it falls etc..The chicken or the egg etc.. These questions scientists can answer but are stymied by siblings lack of support! Lol
I am the oldest of nine. Most of my siblings, except two sisters, live far away in other states. Dad had a stroke in the Spring, and because I am the oldest and single, have become the primary caregiver. I am in the home with both mom and dad now, providing caregiving with my mother and one brother for dad. We had a family phone conference call two months ago and some things were accomplished, but I feel most if has been token and to relieve their guilt, in some way. For example, even the simplest of requests, such as"Would you mind calling dad at least once a week to see how he's doing? He loves to hear from you." have not been complied with. My two sisters who live nearby help when they can, but they are not living the day-in and day-out care for dad, which can be draining. They go back to their lives and days and weeks go by without a word. I have found myself struggling with resentment and anger, then let it go, then find it back again. I wish I had more solutions for you. You can ask for help --and be specific -- but even then, as you can see, siblings are going to do what they want. I can only say that I am learning to come to "acceptance" of taking on this role, finding the love in my heart for dad and knowing that I will when dad dies, I will have no regrets and be at peace.
Blannie, it has been my experience (and forgive me, LifeRyder and other male caregivers) that the males in my family either stay as far away as possible (one brother moved across the country when Mom & Dad started needing more care) or they feign incompetence so the sisters will say, "Ugh! Don't bother! I'LL just do it!!!!" It truly does end up being less work if they just stay out of it!
Bottom line, whether male or female, if the sibs are too self-centered or too incompetent in their own lives, or maybe truly too busy in their own lives (caring for a husband or children) they're just not going to help. If someone has made up their mind not to help, you can't MAKE them.
I'm just hoping that God will smile on those of us who do make room in our hearts and our lives to care for our relatives in need. I also point out to my brothers that one day they, too, will be old and frail, and by their actions they are teaching their children what will be expected of them. In my brothers' cases, absolutely nothing. One day they will be old and frail and alone and I have no intention of helping.
1. Communicate! Very few of us are good at reading minds. Let the entire family know what is going on, what kind of care is being provided/is needed, how much effort it takes, etc. 2. Accept that you are not in charge of your siblings actions, decisions, or schedules. Accept that they have the same right that you do -- to make their own decisions. (#1 is to ensure they can make informed decisions.) 3.) Pay the family members who do provide care. Almost every parent has some income, even if it is a very small SS check. This should be used for their own care. Depending on the level of income and level of care this could be at the going market rate or way, way below it. Getting paid is one way to slightly adjust the imbalance among care contributions among the family. 4) Communicate to the entire family what the financial arrangements for care are. Make it clear that this covers the kind of things that a stranger could be hired to do. All family members still have the opportunity to do things out of love. The phone calls, cards, visits, little gifts, going to lunch, etc., are still needed and wanted, from those who provide paid services and those who do not. 5) Do only as much as you decide to do. If siblings won't fill the gaps, make other arrangements to get those needs met.
There are many reasons siblings might decide not to do part of the caring:
1) They really don't know/understand what is needed. (See #1) 2) They have had a negative relationship with the parent, and they just can't get past that. (You may or may not know the nature of this.) 3) They have their own problems and challenges that are overwhelming. (While I was caring for my husband with dementia, my siblings had to shoulder most of the responsibilities for our mother. Since he died I've picked up more of my share. We don't expect much participation from the brother who is battling cancer. We hope he and his wife will be able to be active some day.) 4) They are lazy. 5) They don't like you personally, and are willing to neglect their parent to spite you. 6) They are self-centered.
Some of the reasons call for you to be supportive of them. Some you may be able to help resolve. Others you just have to accept and move on.
In my case, it is not my siblings not wanting to help, but my mother who prefers I do what needs to be done to help her. Doesn't happen! She can either except help from my other siblings also or hire outside help.
Princess and others, we are the ones that care and are becoming stronger each day because of what we are doing. The problem with only one child taking responsibility is common whether out of state, no money, no time, no interest, or you name it!! And it is not just brothers that do not help, happens with sisters too. I have two sibs one 5 miles away the other 10 miles away, still no help to speak of. They have no clue what their mother needs. It is selfishness and being self centered that drives them. There is nothing I can do to get more help, or relieve their sense of irresponsibility and entitlement.
Unfortunately, there always seems to be one child that does the care giving while others breathe a sigh of relief that the duty did not fall on them. At least that is what happened to my husband in regards to his mother. He has an older brother that is married ---lives in Florida and neither the brother or his wife has had one iota of caring or desire to get involved in her life. In fact, he has not visited her in twelve years!! About three years ago in early November 2010, he had called her and found out the phone had been disconnected. We had already moved her from NJ to our place in North Carolina. He wanted to know what happened to her and of course, we told him she needed extensive care and we took her and found her a place to live. Would you believe we have never heard from him or his wife again? No call, letters or any offer of any money or even an inquiry as to how she is doing of if she is still alive. So , six months ago my husband called him and asked if he was ever coming to visit her before she passed away? His response was, " I don't have any money to fly up there". Then , my husband said, you have a car , don't you? You can drive up or I will send her on airplane so you can see her at your home. We could hear the wife whispering in background that she did not want her there and she couldn't look after her. The two rotten people have never so much as sent a $20 bill to us to take her out to lunch or buy her a nightie. I disgusts me and angers my husband but we sleep with a clear conscience. When my mother in law does finally pass away, we are not even going to contact these two pathetic excuses for humans. My mother in law has no assets to speak of and very little monthly SS check so we are not surprised at their lack of involvement . Nothing to gain for these low life's.
I am the DIL. My sweet, wonderful husband Bill .......died 3 1/2 years ago. I am taking care of both his parents in my home and working full time out of my downstairs office. Bill's brother 57, lives an hour away and randomly stops by 2 or 3 x/week. I can't arrange to leave when he "stops by" cause there is never a set time. FIL is on oxygen 24 hrs, incontinent and in a wheelchair. MIL is end stage alzheimers, incontinent, overweight and in a wheelchair. I have a friend who stops by to sit with them when I need to go out - and I use their small amt of social security money to pay her. BUT...........the BIL stands around, wrings his hands, tells me thanks and makes a quick getaway. Frankly, I'm glad when he leaves. He doesn't help and I really hate having to talk to him while he's here. It's just one more thing I have to do. Don't suggest I put him to work. It just doesn't happen and so I actually wish he would just go away so I can find 2 seconds to myself. Does that sound crazy?
My sister had advance knowledge of Mother's dementia. It wasn't until mid-May of this (2013) year that the 'cat was out of the bag', so to speak. Sibling (3 remaining) had made it known that 'being number one son & the favorite (perceived), it's your job/responsibility to handle it.' Though the youngest has offered to relocate and buy a house in which Mother can reside with him, that is highly unlikely for a number of reasons. First, he has been on SSDI for a number of years and that is his only income. Second, by his own admission, is a poor credit history. Third, and most important, is there is bad blood between them. My sister resides in TX, which Mother has in the past and 'can't stand the gawd awful heat.' Pair that with Mother's need for 24/7, which can't be done due to BIL coming out of retirement to work along with my sister's job...there is no 24/7 to be had. Then there is my brother, lives within three(3) miles, that has to be asked/told to 'come take Mother for awhile', but did so reluctantly on very few occasions while she stayed with my family. So it's mine by default. Siblings are not interested in the 'daily routine', nor the amount of time required for Mother's care. Now that Mother is back in NY @ her apartment of thirty-two(32) years, it's 'still your job bro.' I have no answer(s) for you, however my apathy is there.
I've given up on my brother doing anything for me and our 98 yr old father. He lives in another state, and it only takes 3 hrs to get here. We've always gotten along well until now. I admit my father has been very difficult even when we were kids. I truly believe my brother to this day, cannot confront my father, he never could. Finally, because of our father's advanced age he now has control over him. By controll I mean he moved away and doesn't visit. His phone calls are becoming less and less. I am the sole caregiver doing all the necessary things that all caregivers do. It has become a full time job with no break. It just boils down to pure selfishness. It bothers me to think he is living a carefree, relaxing life and avoiding all responsibilities We have to remember that WE are doing the right thing.
Have same problem so heres what ive done they havnt responded but at least ive given them something to ponder on. I googled the following and sent them in the post to all my family if they think this is easy then read all about it: Depression and caregiving Caregiver burnout Dementia and hygiene dementia and hoarding dementia and depression caring for someone with dementia and heres the classic "when siblings dont help out with cargiving". Try this and see if this works? My brother is calling more and doing a bit more around house although has no idea of what i have to do everyday. anyway must dash have to take out my mums incontinence pads from bin and put them into a black bag as she just throws them on top of black bags! Wouldnt wish this on anyone. Good luck with your family if all else fails just ignore them do what you can and when the end comes find peace in the knowledge that you did the right thing.
Your brothers may have difficulty dealing with the changes that they are witnessing in your parents. It may be a difficult but valuable conversation that would illuminate their concerns and then they may see ways to help, make a contribution and support you as well.
Sounds very familiar, the two sons here are constantly wiggling out of it. Assign them their day, once a week, to at least call Mom/Dad, and they MUST ask what they need, how they feel, did they sleep well. And keep after the boys; if they skip their day let them have it right between the eyes. (sorry if I sound a little redneck).
You can directly ask them to do specific things. But don't be surprised if that doesn't turn out well. I tried that with my brother who lives in another state. He asked so many questions and was so inept at researching/buying what I asked him to buy for our dad, it was easier to do it myself. I'm not sure whether he purposefully screwed things up so I wouldn't ask him again or not. Then I asked him to call my mom once a week, so I could take a day off. He kept 'forgetting' to do that, even though he's retired (married, no kids) and remembers all of his other personal responsibilities. So I told him I'd never ask him to do anything for our mom again, because I couldn't trust him to follow through. Again, not sure if that's the outcome he wanted or not. And he's not a bad guy - just clueless and totally self-centered.
You'd probably be better off saving your energy and doing what you can for your parents and making sure if there's an estate, you get your fair share of it. It's frustrating, I know. I used to get so angry, but finally realized that was hurting me more than my brother (who wasn't hurt at all by my anger and frustration). This question has been asked 100X on here...so if you search, you'll find a ton of similar answers and a lot of other caregivers going through the same thing.
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And I'd like to give a whack to your irresponsible brother, Bunny, and the care giver... Did the care giver simply leave your dad in the wheelchair and LEAVE the house, with him alone? Just reading about your dad close to those stairs made my skin crawl... *shudder** She didn't make sure that someone was there first before she left? And left him in an unlocked wheelchair with stairs in the house and no supervision?? And your brother was in a coffee house when he should have been with your dad? Both of their heads would have rolled..
I cared for my mom for 2 years. My sibling has cared for her for 4 years. I have tried repeatedly to help her care for our mom again, to give her a major break, and each time I've done this, she sabotages the plan. So there are siblings out there who step up and want to help, say so, and would do so. But there are primary caregivers who will not accept help, even though they've asked for help or when help is offered.
I depend on his strength, and tell him so. I tell him how appreciative I am of his efforts. Also he explains things to Dad in a way I never can. I just make Dad angry, Mike gets him to agree, calmly, succinctly. I love him and I tell him often how much I admire his care of Dad. Men do alot, we women don't see or admit is valuable.
1) Your sibling still wants to act as primary caregiver while their sibling is caring for their parent. You can't have it both ways. If a sibling is sharing care and that care is in your sibling's home, that sibling becomes primary caregiver, and aside from providing information about your parent's condition/financial considerations you haven't shared with your sibling in the past, you should not try to run the caregiving role from afar once another sibling becomes primary caregiver.
2) If you've been caring for your parent, are POA and Executor of your parent's estate and have depleted your parent's funds in ways that have not been in your parent's best interest; and now expect siblings to deplete their own savings to care for mom or dad, don't expect your siblings to be happy about this situation. Breach of fiduciary trust is serious business, and if, after all that, a sibling is still willing to share care for the sake of your parent, you need to step back, let that sibling take over, and not try to micromanage primary caregiving when your parent has left your home.
3) The power trip: You've been caring for your parent longer than other siblings have cared for mom or day; you say time and again that you need a real break. Your sibling offers to give you that break, and not just for a weekend, or a month, but for an indefinite period of time. Why not take your sibling up on such an offer? Why sabotage every attempt your sibling makes to share care? Many times the primary caregiver can turn into a control freak and will actually reject help unless other siblings allow them to remain primary caregiver, to have absolute control over how that sibling cares for their parent in that sibling's home. The control freak issue is real, and unless your sibling has no experience whatsoever caring for family members/friends; knows nothing about caregiving whatsoever, you need to let go and let your sibling take care of your parent.
So my advice is to ask yourself whether or not your siblings have offered help and whether or not you have played any role in blocking help when it's offered. Certainly, if your siblings have never offered to share care in any way, I'd say they have serious issues you'll probably never understand, or that you are aware of, but find unacceptable. But if they've offered to help and you won't accept help, but then go back to feeling overburdened once you've turned them away, then it might be about you not being able to let go of the primary caregiver role.
My situation is different as my mum although unhappy and negative was a good mum to us all and thats why they should all help out as she deserves better but they just feel that as im here temporary that it should all be down to me?
Siblings whove had a hard time with parents and find it hard to forgive them is not the same as siblings who claim to love them BUT refuse to help out.
I will not be doing this on my own for much longer and have given my siblings a stern warning that either they help OR we put house up for NH.
Bottom line, whether male or female, if the sibs are too self-centered or too incompetent in their own lives, or maybe truly too busy in their own lives (caring for a husband or children) they're just not going to help. If someone has made up their mind not to help, you can't MAKE them.
I'm just hoping that God will smile on those of us who do make room in our hearts and our lives to care for our relatives in need. I also point out to my brothers that one day they, too, will be old and frail, and by their actions they are teaching their children what will be expected of them. In my brothers' cases, absolutely nothing. One day they will be old and frail and alone and I have no intention of helping.
2. Accept that you are not in charge of your siblings actions, decisions, or schedules. Accept that they have the same right that you do -- to make their own decisions. (#1 is to ensure they can make informed decisions.)
3.) Pay the family members who do provide care. Almost every parent has some income, even if it is a very small SS check. This should be used for their own care. Depending on the level of income and level of care this could be at the going market rate or way, way below it. Getting paid is one way to slightly adjust the imbalance among care contributions among the family.
4) Communicate to the entire family what the financial arrangements for care are. Make it clear that this covers the kind of things that a stranger could be hired to do. All family members still have the opportunity to do things out of love. The phone calls, cards, visits, little gifts, going to lunch, etc., are still needed and wanted, from those who provide paid services and those who do not.
5) Do only as much as you decide to do. If siblings won't fill the gaps, make other arrangements to get those needs met.
There are many reasons siblings might decide not to do part of the caring:
1) They really don't know/understand what is needed. (See #1)
2) They have had a negative relationship with the parent, and they just can't get past that. (You may or may not know the nature of this.)
3) They have their own problems and challenges that are overwhelming. (While I was caring for my husband with dementia, my siblings had to shoulder most of the responsibilities for our mother. Since he died I've picked up more of my share. We don't expect much participation from the brother who is battling cancer. We hope he and his wife will be able to be active some day.)
4) They are lazy.
5) They don't like you personally, and are willing to neglect their parent to spite you.
6) They are self-centered.
Some of the reasons call for you to be supportive of them. Some you may be able to help resolve. Others you just have to accept and move on.
And, yes, life is not fair.
I am taking care of both his parents in my home and working full time out of my downstairs office. Bill's brother 57, lives an hour away and randomly stops by 2 or 3 x/week. I can't arrange to leave when he "stops by" cause there is never a set time. FIL is on oxygen 24 hrs, incontinent and in a wheelchair. MIL is end stage alzheimers, incontinent, overweight and in a wheelchair. I have a friend who stops by to sit with them when I need to go out - and I use their small amt of social security money to pay her. BUT...........the BIL stands around, wrings his hands, tells me thanks and makes a quick getaway. Frankly, I'm glad when he leaves. He doesn't help and I really hate having to talk to him while he's here. It's just one more thing I have to do. Don't suggest I put him to work. It just doesn't happen and so I actually wish he would just go away so I can find 2 seconds to myself. Does that sound crazy?
So it's mine by default. Siblings are not interested in the 'daily routine', nor the amount of time required for Mother's care. Now that Mother is back in NY @ her apartment of thirty-two(32) years, it's 'still your job bro.'
I have no answer(s) for you, however my apathy is there.
I googled the following and sent them in the post to all my family if they think this is easy then read all about it:
Depression and caregiving
Caregiver burnout
Dementia and hygiene
dementia and hoarding
dementia and depression
caring for someone with dementia
and heres the classic "when siblings dont help out with cargiving".
Try this and see if this works?
My brother is calling more and doing a bit more around house although has no idea of what i have to do everyday.
anyway must dash have to take out my mums incontinence pads from bin and put them into a black bag as she just throws them on top of black bags!
Wouldnt wish this on anyone. Good luck with your family if all else fails just ignore them do what you can and when the end comes find peace in the knowledge that you did the right thing.
You'd probably be better off saving your energy and doing what you can for your parents and making sure if there's an estate, you get your fair share of it. It's frustrating, I know. I used to get so angry, but finally realized that was hurting me more than my brother (who wasn't hurt at all by my anger and frustration). This question has been asked 100X on here...so if you search, you'll find a ton of similar answers and a lot of other caregivers going through the same thing.