How do I get through mother's last days?

It is a comfort to have you all here. Thank you. I don't know anything about internet stuff, but I really thought I was typing all those words into space and that no one would know I had written because it had been a long time, and I thought you all would have moved on. I'm not very savvy, am I? Ha!
Aunt did go to the interment. I went to see her yesterday to talk to her about it, then came back this morning. She lives 60 miles away, so it was a lot of driving, but she came, and we went to the interment. She sort of forgot what we were doing a few times, and after lunch (we ate as a family at a fancy place) she asked where my mother was and then caught herself. She cried at the interment and my sweet nephew lent her his strength, and when I cried because she was crying, he put his arm around me too.
My sil one upped me as the daughter to the minister (or tried to, the minister knew my mother and me as caregiver for a long time). She presented herself as the daughter and praised her close relationship with my mother and how she valued that as she was not close with her own mother. I just let it go. It was the first time I'd heard that, so it was a surprise. And I offered a hand on her back when she was crying about the loss of "her mother". It really doesn't matter, and I said nothing and will say nothing. But does that explain the intense pressure from her that I felt, and her conviction she could do a better job of caregiving when she wasn't even in the state? From my point of view her reality is not really real. If that makes sense. But it still doesn't matter.
I'm glad my mother is out of pain. I'm glad she is no longer overwhelmed and anxious. I'm glad she doesn't have to figure things out and try to be independent, while being almost wholly dependent, and I'm glad she doesn't have to fight...me, everything that made her uncomfortable, her failing body, eyesight, and constant discomfort. I'm just glad there is peace for her.
I don't know what I will do with myself. But I'm glad you remembered me, and I will not forget you are here, countrymouse. Now to the next chapter. What do you do when your main focus shifts? Right now I want to rest. Aunt still needs attention and I will continue to care for her, she has been a comfort to me, and there isn't a sweeter person on God's earth. Her first thought is always of me or her caregivers. Are we rested, are we OK, is she too much trouble, we need to take care of ourselves first and then if we want we can help her. Without her this journey with my mother would have been unbearable, but she provided the balance and the affirmation. How did I do this for five years? How did I survive? I always thought caregiving my mother would kill me. I truly thought that. But at least for now, I made it. I've had four infections and course after course of anti-biotics since my mother died. My system is still trying to recover, but I think it will be OK. It is such a change to let down from the stress and I have heard of caregivers getting sick and not finding wellness for a year or so. I wonder what is ahead for me, and for all of you. Take good care of yourselves.

Twinflower, what a sweet, sad story.

one of our local funeral parlors has had to hire bouncers because of fist, knife, and gun altercations. people just sometimes short out when theyre emotionally strained. when my mom died in aug my youngest sister sent me mein kamhf style hate mails for several weeks. i finally told her i just wouldnt fall into it
my dear mother - she died, she died.
oldest sister - she cried , she cried.
youngest sister - she lied , she lied.. lol

Twinflower, do I remember you worrying that people might not come..?! What a celebration of your mother's life, indeed. And good that you're able to reflect on it, and on her, so fully.

Just, please don't say you had no one to share the experience with? I know it's not the same as a physical companion, or someone who also knew her, but if in doubt come here - we're already thinking of you.

For what it's worth, I agree with you that going to the interment is important for your aunt if she's able to manage it. Other way round, I took my mother to my aunt's funeral last week; she was in two minds about it, but I felt that if she didn't go she might later regret it, and I know it meant a lot to my cousin that she was there. This week she's beginning to lose track of who was there and when things happened, but she does remember she said goodbye to her sister. That's what made it the right decision to go, I think.

I had it out with my brother during my dad's last days too. We were all very much emotionally charged up and that's why it happened. My dad was passing from lung cancer in the hospital & me & my mom thought hospice was the choice and he (my brother) wanted him to go home to die. My mom did not think she could handle that- if he became very uncomfortable trying to pass-she would have been devasted.

Long story short- we took him to hospice where he lasted not even 24 hrs. We were able to smooth our ruffled feathers enough to all pull together when the end of time was so blantantly imminent. Hospice is a beautiful thing. I will be forever grateful for the kind people who give of themselves in that way. Not only did they allow my father to pass comfortably but they helped us to understand what was going on and soothed our spirits.
I wish you peace.

TwinFlower, what a beautiful write-up. It sounds like you honored your mom in the best way possible. I'm happy it went so well for you - thanks for letting us know how it went.

I just thought I'd check back in. I came home from Mother's Celebration of Life yesterday and had no one to share the experience with. It was hard. I emailed my cousin in Florida who is a teacher and couldn't make the trip. My nephew and his wife and young son were able to come from Texas and are staying with my brother. My brother's estranged daughter and her grown son came and I barely got to say hi. They were all getting reacquainted...brother and sister, father and daughter Grandfather and grandson.
I approached the Grange people in the town we lived in when my father was killed. It's a very tight knit community and the people in charge were students of my mom. They took over. They advertised, arranged for everything that was needed and made it absolutely perfect. I took mother to the Old-Timer's Picnic there every summer, and it made a difference because they had fresh memories of her.
Yesterday, community members we didn't know dropped off food for the dinner, and old friends stopped by to help. Families that we knew sent a representative to be with us. If our classmates and friends couldn't come, they sent a brother or sister. We had a nice dinner and then told stories. There were people from all parts of my mother's long life. Young mother, school, retirement, travels and camping and Mexico where she spent winters.
I made a two table display of framed pictures (nine, from different eras of her life) and displayed ordinary everyday things that mother did and/or loved. Sewing items, cooking items and a favorite cookbook, and mementos from Mexico. I displayed her college pictures in an album, and albums from different parts of her life, school yearbooks, and books she loved. Then I tried to remember what she said about everything and made the captions quotes. An example, with the tin measuring cup and spoons and the1950's Betty Crocker cookbook: "You can't make a good pie until you're 50 and by the time you're 60 you forget how". There were things her students gave her that she had saved, and her retirement present..a state of the art 1976 Osterizer blender...the beehive...tank of a blender that she used all these years, and I use now.
I had all her scarves in a basket and we asked everyone to take one if they saw something they liked.
I forgot to do a few things that I wanted to do. I forgot to read the comments that were posted online in response to her obituary. I told a story that, today, makes me feel uncomfortable. I thought the entire Celebration of Life was perfect. It couldn't have gone better, we couldn't have had a better feeling of support from the community, and here's the thing. My father's funeral was 54 years ago to the day of mother's Celebration of Life, among the same people who were around us that day long ago. The date was an accident...it was the only weekend my nephew could get vacation and come from Texas. But when I realized it, I realized there was something greater at work here.
The interment is Wednesday. Just the family will gather for dinner and then there will be a ceremony at the church and mother will be interred at their memorial garden.
My brother did a good job of hosting the dinner, and my sister in law helped a little. I was sad that she forgot the family pictures of grandparents, parents and aunts and uncles I had made and she was to find frames for. She promised to make sure the kids (her kids!) got those photos. I was afraid the estranged daughter might not make another appearance and wanted her to have pictures of her father's family. What she did with them was up to her.
The Celebration of Life was a lot of work. But the family gathered and we honored mom, and acknowledged her life, and paid respect.
My brother is selling my mother's house and going back to his home out of state. Aunt is still having a really hard time. She was unable to come due to confusion and her inability to understand what it was all about. Her assisted living facility was locked down for two weeks in a flu outbreak, and then re-opened yesterday and had aunt go to breakfast in the dining room. That change in her schedule threw her into a great deal of confusion. I will try again to bring her to the interment as I know these rituals are very important to her. Thank you for listening. I still grieve, but for me, there was healing around my father's death, and comfort I could see and feel as an adult, that I didn't know was there as a child of ten. We weren't to talk about it then. As for Mom, it was really sad that I couldn't find a whole lot to say that was good. I think she didn't have a clue how to relate to a sensitive daughter.
She could see I was sensitive, but didn't realize how words hurt, how her disapproval robbed me of self-esteem and sent me careening in confusion, and how criticism tore me down and made me feel unworthy to be alive. She loved me and didn't mean for these things to happen. She once said; "I know myself and I would never treat you like that". So there was no where to go in the relationship. I accepted that. And I did my best to care for her and pull my life together. I'm moderately successful, not good at relationships and work on that daily, and I have good things from my mother, mostly vital life skills, like reading, training in how to do things, training in how to work and be efficient, how to be self sufficient and how to be resourceful. I will express these things at her interment.Things I want the family to hear, and to hear myself say. Then I want to let it go.

I'm not sure I'd send a book. I think I'd send her something I was sure she would like - a really beautiful scarf, some heavenly bath oil, her favourite sweets, some Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee, that kind of thing - that would be just for her, not to share, so that she'd know that she is cared for too. Of course that might be a book - it depends what your friend likes best.

The trouble with books, or music too, is that it's very hard to get the message right for all the different emotions your friend is bound to be going through at this time. Get it right and it can be really supportive, but what if something grates on her?

I have two books that have been recommended to me: Final Gifts by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley and Losing Your Parents and Finding Yourself by Victoria Secunda. You could look at the ratings and descriptions of them on Amazon to see if either might be helpful to your friend. They're both highly rated.

Does anyone know of a book that I could send my friend whose mother is expected to die fairly soon? She is the caregiver, tired and sad.

I just wanted to thank everyone who has been posting on this thread. Twinflower, it's been amazing to see how strong and compassionate you are. Just by sharing, you are helping so many people. Thanks and God Bless You!

Thank you for your concern everyone. I have a sinus infection that wasn't helped by the antibiotic for my infected tooth. A change in medicine should help that.
Everything here is quiet. My brother finished clearing out the apt. today and the task is over for him and he is relieved. We will wait for the death certificate now and I will take care of mother's Christmas cards (repackage and send with a note of her passing) and write the obit. I'll contact the school or the grange to see if they are available for a celebration of life. Her pastor wanted us to have a funeral at the church, but mother wanted us all to go out to dinner and have fun. I'm still not sure the plans are settled, but with the holidays, it's hard to know if things will work out or not.
I am continuing to grieve and my poor Aunt is beside herself. My mother married her brother in 1941. We have spent every holiday together all those years, except I didn't join until later, of course. We will get through this.
I reflect on all of you and your expressions of concern and caring. I feel truly blessed you took an interest and made the effort to help me. Without this community I would have suffered and blundered far more. Thank you. I hope I can repay the kindness I found here.

Woah - Twinflower, how's that tooth? Watch out it's not an infection that's getting to you, you're bound to be at a low ebb and vulnerable. I'm touched and relieved that everyone around you is being so much more human. Just let it all happen. Take care xxx

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) You are getting things done, making the necessary decisions.,,Grief is very physical as well as emotional. try to eat properly, stay hydrated, rest/sleep as best you can. Hope you are not coming down with a bug. Take care of you!!!

The funeral home was very helpful. I remembered the gal because she helped when my stepfather died. My brother was having his own grief issues. He was foggy and had run a red light on the way the meeting. We decided to ask for remembrances to the local Alzheimer's Assoc. as mother favored that organization as she (and I) were caregivers to my step father who was an Alzheimer's patient.
I thanked my brother for taking care of all the legal stuff. He said he owed me one since I had settled the last two estates. I guess we're all on a roller coaster.
The floodgates are really starting to open, and I'm haunted by my mother's last hours. I know it's healthier to bless everybody, forgive everybody and let go, It's my mantra. But right now I feel like I was in an altered state when that happened because of feeling attacked and now I am back in touch with my feelings. My mom was in there swinging at the end, and I don't know how to think about it. I told someone who laughed and said "of course, who else is she going to swing at". And I laughed at that. It's so true. We did go back to 1960 and the death of my father and that whole dynamic.
The funeral home counselor suggested writing an obituary that offered a contact email for anyone interested in getting together for a celebration of life.
My brother thought that was a good idea and we can have the gathering at the school before a basketball game. Just put out dessert and punch and put up some things to remember Mom. So I went to the apt. and retrieved a few things, and I can fill in the rest of it from my stuff.
I've discovered today that I am coming down with something. If you don't hear from me, I'm under the weather.
Thank you so much for helping. I know all the wisdom here comes from loss and experience. Bless you all for sharing.

twin - rely on the funeral home staff. they will lead you through this. Of course, it is too soon to be thinking about other things - just know you have some alternatives and can do what you need to do in future.
This is a very difficult time. I know. Be kind to yourself. You will get through it. You are still in shock and probably feel like you are in a fog to some extent. . No one prepares us for these things, though everyone faces them at some point. Keep coming back here for support. Let us know how things work out. Big (((((((((hugs)))))))))))). My prayers are with you.

Thank you emjo for your ideas. I guess I will turn to the immediate things, and try to work through them. Then I"ll try to find what works for me. We meet with the funeral director today and some decisions have to be made about what is announced in the obituary. I'm hardly able to think at all. I'm very grateful for all of you.

twinflower, my youngest son was killed and I gave donations to places he would have liked. I put a bench up across from the house on a trail where he used to run. My father died years ago and I had a lilac in the garden that reminded me of him as his birthday was in May when the lilacs bloomed. Eventually I planted a piece of the lilac by my son's bench. I want to put a rose there too. One year I will move from here and not be able to take the bench with me, but I will have the memory and pictures. Some people release balloons in memory of their loved one and/or keep a special candle to light on occasions. People have enjoyed my son's bench. I have a plaque on it in his memory. There are many ways to commemorate a lost loved one. You could even google it. Some people scrapbook, some keep a memory box... Find out what works for you, that does not depend on your brother. I used to go sit by the river and eat a hamburger where my son and I did a few times. All these things help, (((((((hugs))))))

I accidently posted that before I was through....I guess the rest of what I want to say is that I'm now thinking that I will have to make sure there is fairness in what is being done. I've never known him to be unfair with money, but after this last go-round, I'm not very confident. He has indicated things will be different with Aunt, but do I want to take the chance? If fortune is on my side they will be far away and not able to get her very quickly. They spend summers in a remote spot and they had told me they wouldn't come if mom died, so I doubt they would come when Aunt dies, if it's while they are there. They didn't come when my step-father died in July three years ago.
As for the picture being posted, if the facility agrees, I think I will make a memorial board for the facility. I can make a place for people's pictures to be posted. It would be so much better than not knowing. Thank you for the great idea. And thank you for being here.

You're right, I can do what I want. I want the bench and to plant a tree and make a really nice place for someone to sit and read. She would love a place like that and it's perfect as far as I'm concerned. But in this day and age, the school she taught at for 30 some years narrowly missed being consolidated with a school 8 miles away last year. She never taught there, and the bench would have to be moved if there is a consolidation in the near future.

TwinFlower, I'm so, so sorry your brother is being such a dope about letting you grieve in your own way. Since he handled your mom's things the way he wanted, maybe he can let you handle your aunt's things the way you want. He and his wife are being very quick about getting rid of your mom's things. I've never heard of anyone doing it that fast. So I think you have every right to feel sad and hurt about how he's handled it. He is not budging or compromising one inch with you.

Would it be possible for you to do something on your own, without his approval as a remembrance of your mom? It sounds like what you did with her dinner mates was wonderful. That sounds like an awful policy that they don't let residents know what happened to people they lived around. At my mom's facility, they put up a picture when someone passes away, so that everyone knows what happened to them.

I'm not trying to create friction between you and your brother, but nothing says you have to agree on everything (and you obviously don't). Maybe do something small and meaningful in your time frame and invite him. If he doesn't want to come, oh well. But you can do what you want to do. He's sided with his wife, which isn't surprising, because he lives with her and has to be around her every day. But he doesn't control you and what you choose to do to honor your mom.

I didn't know whether to start another thread or not. Today was really hard.
I felt so good after understanding my brother grieved with activity. I thought I could think about it in a way that would work. But when I got to the apt. most things were gone. Just little things, the clothes and supplies Aunt might need, and a further list of things my SIL wanted. Why she asked about them, I have no idea.
I called my brother to talk about the celebration of life. He didn't like the bench idea. He didn't want to do a scholarship, or donate books to the school library, I tried to tell him if we needed things for a celebration of life, we would need items that represented her interests and pictures, so if everything was at goodwill we wouldn't be able to pull something together. He got that, but I have a feeling since we couldn't agree on anything, it was useless. The only thing he would agree to was maybe a display at a reunion next summer when the people who knew her would be there. I'm OK with that, but that means doing nothing now when people are thinking of her and remembering her. I couldn't get him to agree to remembrances for anyone or anything.
As for the tearing apart of the apt. on the day mother died, I asked that in the future, with Aunt, we do it differently. I tried to frame it as we both grieved in different ways and w could work together. But apparently if I want to sit and reflect about Aunt's life, and remember being where she lived and giving thanks for her and my time with her, and grieving and saying good bye before everything gets ripped apart, I am putting my grieving ahead of his, and he started to fight with me. So I asked him why we couldn't just accept that we are different and work together so we both get what we need. And he didn't understand that. I have watched my SIL challenge just about everything people say. If she can't make sense of it, it's not believable. After overhearing her comments about how I should have called my brother sooner on the morning mother died, I realized that her fault finding of me could be undermining my relationship with my brother, which was at one time pretty solid. I told him the most important things to me were that we trusted each other, were on the same side, and worked things out.
He probably couldn't hear that or understand it. I don't think he can do that. I think he does things by power.
I went to Sunday dinner with mother's tablemates. I had taken flowers and a card to them the day after mother died. I don't know if it's common knowledge, but the facility can't tell the residents anything about when someone dies. So the friends, card partners and tablemates never know what happened. So I brought the flowers and the card. One of the women said the little memorial at mother's place at the table, gave her closure because she knew what had happened. They don't know when someone's gone if they are in the hospital, visiting or dead. It's brutal to not know if you've become friends with someone and they disappear.
I went to all of her friends that I had met and told them what had happened and let them tell me their stories and it helped me, but I still wanted to sit in her room again. She died Friday, It's Sunday.
Why couldn't they wait a little bit. It's been really hard on me.

blannie, your ideas are wonderful. Countrymouse, you made me laugh. Thank you. I think my brother needs to get a bench!
Thank you so much.

Twinflower, people will come. Who forgets a good teacher? But let other people do the work! x

Well I'm a very low-key person, so I may not be the best one to give advice. If it was up to me, I'd try to combine the memories and celebration of your mom with something good for the community and her role as a teacher.

Maybe you could have an event where you plant a tree in her memory at one of her schools, or donate a bench with her name on it, or start a small garden, something like that; something that will continue to be a reminder of your mom and the contribution she made that would reflect her personality. And I'd set a length of time like from 1-4 PM, so that people could come and maybe write their memories in a book for you or share memories with you and your brother that you videotape...so that you're not putting up a lot of money for an event that might not have the turnout you'd like to see. If you have snacks, then it wouldn't cost very much. You could have a board with pics of your mom throughout her life. That's what I'd do...respectful, good for the community, and a way to get your mom's friends together with you and your brother to celebrate her life. Maybe others will have good ideas...

I'm sure you're right. If my brother uses activity to handle all his emotions then it would explain a lot. I think I knew that, but I forgot to think about it, thank you for reminding me. That's a bit hard, having him do things to handle his feelings, while slowing everything down to be able to handle mine. I'll look for more things for him to do. I did enjoy my mother's approval when I had it. I was hurt very much when I didn't have it. It was always conditional on what I did for her. I tried to become a good person so that no matter what happened, I knew I was a good person. I thought she would catch on, and I think she did, but maybe not 100percent of the time!
Thank you for your help blannie. I do look forward to my life. I had a very nice day with Aunt who, with short term memory loss, is cycling through grief. The caregivers were there and helped me brainstorm appropriate things for the celebration of life. I don't know what is appropriate I guess. Mother wanted everyone to get together and have a dinner or something. But she was gone from the outside world except for a few summer potlucks and ice cream socials near schools where she taught. There are a number of students who remember her, and I keep thinking maybe I need to do something a bit more than just eat out somewhere. Mother taught in small schools and lived in the communities for 35 years. My brother knows a lot of people there. But I still wonder if anyone would come. How much money do I spend? How much effort do I go to? If it was up to me, I would make this a very respectful, full and memorable tribute to my mom. She did a lot of good for a lot of people as a teacher. But would they come? I don't know how to guage that. I don't know yet what my brother wants. So will talk to him. If you have any thoughts, I'd appreciate them.
Thank you!

Twinflower some people deal with grief through activity. That's probably what your brother is doing. By keeping active, he doesn't have to feel the feelings. He can push them away through staying busy.

With your further explanation I can see why you're focusing on what you haven't been able to do. I think you may be still be trying to earn the respect and approval of your mom, which was intermittent throughout your life. That's the quickest way to get someone confused and anxious. You never know if you're going to get approval or criticism. If you haven't been getting counseling, it would be a good time to start. It's time to let all of that old stuff go. You did your very best and that's more than enough. Your mom is at peace.

Now you can find peace and happiness in the fullness of your own sweet, loving personality. You deserve that! Find your interests and participate in them. Get together with friends or start to make some. Now you've got the time and you can focus on yourself and your own happiness apart from your mom and your brother.

Thank you all. I'm just worn out I think. I've not had enough sleep, but I don't know how to get any. Just toss and turn. I called my brother after I had calmed down. He apologized. I'm just numb I think. Mother spent six months of the year in Mexico for over 30 years. Her Christmas card list was a list of people in many countries whom I had never met. This year she had chosen only a few to send cards too as it was too difficult to write. I will send those with a note and that will be that.
I want so much to just take time. To not think about anything. I remembered when my mother's sister died in 2000, my brother was there and he was the best support and help imaginable.
At the time I was so grateful to have him and not be alone. So I have that memory. And I know he is trying. He doesn't understand the emotions. It is hard to see almost no expression of support or grief, just busy, busy, busy, go to the bank, go to the lawyer, hurry up clean everything out, get everything done. Do they want to leave and go home? Do they want to go to Texas to their son's house for Christmas? Why the hurry? I understand working on things and getting through the tasks, but the pace of their activity is frantic to me, and I guess that's always been true now that I think of it.
I don't know what to do with myself, I guess. I'm going to see Aunt, and one of her caregivers is coming to support me, so I will be with loving people today who truly care and will understand what I've been through.
On Thanksgiving Day when the intense mocking and exasperation was going on, when my brother and sister were giving me such a hard time, my mother joined in the derision of me. It is a very hurtful and long standing family dynamic to treat me this way. The last time it was really bad like this was when my Grandmother died in 1996. I was hoping to avoid it, but it wasn't to be. Most of the time my mother and I were close and good to each other, but with my brother in the room and acting the way he did, she joined in. When I was ten, my father was killed, and my mother was left alone with two kids to raise. The family dynamic shifted and I was the repository of their unspoken anger and grief. Two against one, I guess. Mother never saw how cruel it was. I was pretty damaged by that.I was sorry it came up again. At the time, I asked mother if I had been a good caregiver, and she said, oh yes, and then I asked, why am I a bad person now? And she said I wasn't. She accused me of ruining her last moments. Before she went completely out from the meds, I told her that I was sorry we had had such a rough ride together, but that I loved her and had done my best. I'm feeling a bit haunted. I know I have to go on. The one step at a time suggestion is good. Thank you all so much. Bless you all. Your thoughts help me keep perspective and remind me to value myself and care for myself. The hugs are most welcome. I hope all the angels are hugging you.

What obnoxious CREEPS! I'm so sorry.

twinflower ((((((hugs)))))) I am so sorry about what your bro and sil did. That was dreadful. You needed to take your time to do what had to be done. Your mother will understand so don't worry about that. The feelings will surface in time. Right now you are too overwhelmed with losing your mum and the other stuff. Take it one day at a time, one hour, one minute, Breathe deep, have a cup of tea or whatever comforts you. Concentrate on yourself and know you have done a great job. Yes, relief and freedom is normal. Don't worry about it. Do the best you can with notifying people but do not beat yourself up about not being able to keep the promises you made to your mother. You would if you could. It is not your fault. ((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))).