My mother has pneumonia and thinks she wants hospice. She had pneumonia in September and says her body has changed, and she's done. She is 97. She doesn't know what hospice is all about. The first meeting is Friday. Her mental faculties have been sharp, but are waning due to lowering oxygen levels. Today my sister-in-law who lives out of state and hasn't actually been here to help in two years, picked a fight and was angry that I don't let her do anything. She has held a simmering belief that she would do a much better job than I do. I have taken care of mother for five years. Now I don't want to be in the same room with my sister in law, who, when I asked how she sees us all being with mother, said : we're all light and happy for your mom so she can go happy."
My expectation is that she will try to take over, make decisions, and undermine me which is what she has done in the past and I don't think I can take that during my mother's last days. My brother has told her what the limits are...she doesn't get to make decisions, (I amended that to say she could tell us her ideas) she will not keep me from being with mom, and she is not to interfere. But that will only last while my brother is in the room. I have told her it is OK with me if she takes care of mom on the days I'm not here and that I know she wants to be a part of this. Right now, I'm not even sure mother wants hospice, but my sister-in-law absolutely insists it's what mother said she wanted, and she's afraid I am going to push mom to do something that she doesn't want. On the way home from the hospital today, my mother said it was hard to know what to do because she didn't know what it was all about. My job is to clarify and advocate for mother. I keep cautioning that mother may change her mind, but I'm mostly worried mom won't be able to understand without good oxygen levels. In September, she changed her mind about getting treatment for pneumonia, when she had previously had a POLST that said no treatment. She changed the POLST. And insisted on treatment. I'm willing to let mom go. I just don't want her panicked and scared because she is confused and doesn't know what to do. I tried to talk to my sister-in-law. I have included her in the caregiving when they were in town. It seems now I needn't have bothered, as she wanted to be in charge because she could do a better job. Yet, they weren't here, and came only when it was convenient.
I don't have anyone in my life to support me. My friends care, and all, but I'm single and don't have other family. The only caregiver groups are on days I'm at work. I also take care of my Aunt. I get the most support from her caregivers! Right now, I don't want to see my sister in law or be around her. I want to be alone with my mother and have there be time to talk. I suppose Hospice, if we go forward, will help with all this, but do you guys have any experience about how to deal with someone who is angry, and resentful and thinks it's OK to pick fights on a day when my mother decides to let go of life....I tried like the dickens to talk rationally and calmly and was rebuffed. She couldn't see my point of view no matter how I tried to open up and calm the water. (I've also posted this in hospice, to get their perspective) Thanks.
Everything here is quiet. My brother finished clearing out the apt. today and the task is over for him and he is relieved. We will wait for the death certificate now and I will take care of mother's Christmas cards (repackage and send with a note of her passing) and write the obit. I'll contact the school or the grange to see if they are available for a celebration of life. Her pastor wanted us to have a funeral at the church, but mother wanted us all to go out to dinner and have fun. I'm still not sure the plans are settled, but with the holidays, it's hard to know if things will work out or not.
I am continuing to grieve and my poor Aunt is beside herself. My mother married her brother in 1941. We have spent every holiday together all those years, except I didn't join until later, of course. We will get through this.
I reflect on all of you and your expressions of concern and caring. I feel truly blessed you took an interest and made the effort to help me. Without this community I would have suffered and blundered far more. Thank you. I hope I can repay the kindness I found here.
The trouble with books, or music too, is that it's very hard to get the message right for all the different emotions your friend is bound to be going through at this time. Get it right and it can be really supportive, but what if something grates on her?
I approached the Grange people in the town we lived in when my father was killed. It's a very tight knit community and the people in charge were students of my mom. They took over. They advertised, arranged for everything that was needed and made it absolutely perfect. I took mother to the Old-Timer's Picnic there every summer, and it made a difference because they had fresh memories of her.
Yesterday, community members we didn't know dropped off food for the dinner, and old friends stopped by to help. Families that we knew sent a representative to be with us. If our classmates and friends couldn't come, they sent a brother or sister. We had a nice dinner and then told stories. There were people from all parts of my mother's long life. Young mother, school, retirement, travels and camping and Mexico where she spent winters.
I made a two table display of framed pictures (nine, from different eras of her life) and displayed ordinary everyday things that mother did and/or loved. Sewing items, cooking items and a favorite cookbook, and mementos from Mexico. I displayed her college pictures in an album, and albums from different parts of her life, school yearbooks, and books she loved. Then I tried to remember what she said about everything and made the captions quotes. An example, with the tin measuring cup and spoons and the1950's Betty Crocker cookbook: "You can't make a good pie until you're 50 and by the time you're 60 you forget how". There were things her students gave her that she had saved, and her retirement present..a state of the art 1976 Osterizer blender...the beehive...tank of a blender that she used all these years, and I use now.
I had all her scarves in a basket and we asked everyone to take one if they saw something they liked.
I forgot to do a few things that I wanted to do. I forgot to read the comments that were posted online in response to her obituary. I told a story that, today, makes me feel uncomfortable. I thought the entire Celebration of Life was perfect. It couldn't have gone better, we couldn't have had a better feeling of support from the community, and here's the thing. My father's funeral was 54 years ago to the day of mother's Celebration of Life, among the same people who were around us that day long ago. The date was an accident...it was the only weekend my nephew could get vacation and come from Texas. But when I realized it, I realized there was something greater at work here.
The interment is Wednesday. Just the family will gather for dinner and then there will be a ceremony at the church and mother will be interred at their memorial garden.
My brother did a good job of hosting the dinner, and my sister in law helped a little. I was sad that she forgot the family pictures of grandparents, parents and aunts and uncles I had made and she was to find frames for. She promised to make sure the kids (her kids!) got those photos. I was afraid the estranged daughter might not make another appearance and wanted her to have pictures of her father's family. What she did with them was up to her.
The Celebration of Life was a lot of work. But the family gathered and we honored mom, and acknowledged her life, and paid respect.
My brother is selling my mother's house and going back to his home out of state. Aunt is still having a really hard time. She was unable to come due to confusion and her inability to understand what it was all about. Her assisted living facility was locked down for two weeks in a flu outbreak, and then re-opened yesterday and had aunt go to breakfast in the dining room. That change in her schedule threw her into a great deal of confusion. I will try again to bring her to the interment as I know these rituals are very important to her. Thank you for listening. I still grieve, but for me, there was healing around my father's death, and comfort I could see and feel as an adult, that I didn't know was there as a child of ten. We weren't to talk about it then. As for Mom, it was really sad that I couldn't find a whole lot to say that was good. I think she didn't have a clue how to relate to a sensitive daughter.
She could see I was sensitive, but didn't realize how words hurt, how her disapproval robbed me of self-esteem and sent me careening in confusion, and how criticism tore me down and made me feel unworthy to be alive. She loved me and didn't mean for these things to happen. She once said; "I know myself and I would never treat you like that". So there was no where to go in the relationship. I accepted that. And I did my best to care for her and pull my life together. I'm moderately successful, not good at relationships and work on that daily, and I have good things from my mother, mostly vital life skills, like reading, training in how to do things, training in how to work and be efficient, how to be self sufficient and how to be resourceful. I will express these things at her interment.Things I want the family to hear, and to hear myself say. Then I want to let it go.
Long story short- we took him to hospice where he lasted not even 24 hrs. We were able to smooth our ruffled feathers enough to all pull together when the end of time was so blantantly imminent. Hospice is a beautiful thing. I will be forever grateful for the kind people who give of themselves in that way. Not only did they allow my father to pass comfortably but they helped us to understand what was going on and soothed our spirits.
I wish you peace.
Just, please don't say you had no one to share the experience with? I know it's not the same as a physical companion, or someone who also knew her, but if in doubt come here - we're already thinking of you.
For what it's worth, I agree with you that going to the interment is important for your aunt if she's able to manage it. Other way round, I took my mother to my aunt's funeral last week; she was in two minds about it, but I felt that if she didn't go she might later regret it, and I know it meant a lot to my cousin that she was there. This week she's beginning to lose track of who was there and when things happened, but she does remember she said goodbye to her sister. That's what made it the right decision to go, I think.
my dear mother - she died, she died.
oldest sister - she cried , she cried.
youngest sister - she lied , she lied.. lol
Aunt did go to the interment. I went to see her yesterday to talk to her about it, then came back this morning. She lives 60 miles away, so it was a lot of driving, but she came, and we went to the interment. She sort of forgot what we were doing a few times, and after lunch (we ate as a family at a fancy place) she asked where my mother was and then caught herself. She cried at the interment and my sweet nephew lent her his strength, and when I cried because she was crying, he put his arm around me too.
My sil one upped me as the daughter to the minister (or tried to, the minister knew my mother and me as caregiver for a long time). She presented herself as the daughter and praised her close relationship with my mother and how she valued that as she was not close with her own mother. I just let it go. It was the first time I'd heard that, so it was a surprise. And I offered a hand on her back when she was crying about the loss of "her mother". It really doesn't matter, and I said nothing and will say nothing. But does that explain the intense pressure from her that I felt, and her conviction she could do a better job of caregiving when she wasn't even in the state? From my point of view her reality is not really real. If that makes sense. But it still doesn't matter.
I'm glad my mother is out of pain. I'm glad she is no longer overwhelmed and anxious. I'm glad she doesn't have to figure things out and try to be independent, while being almost wholly dependent, and I'm glad she doesn't have to fight...me, everything that made her uncomfortable, her failing body, eyesight, and constant discomfort. I'm just glad there is peace for her.
I don't know what I will do with myself. But I'm glad you remembered me, and I will not forget you are here, countrymouse. Now to the next chapter. What do you do when your main focus shifts? Right now I want to rest. Aunt still needs attention and I will continue to care for her, she has been a comfort to me, and there isn't a sweeter person on God's earth. Her first thought is always of me or her caregivers. Are we rested, are we OK, is she too much trouble, we need to take care of ourselves first and then if we want we can help her. Without her this journey with my mother would have been unbearable, but she provided the balance and the affirmation. How did I do this for five years? How did I survive? I always thought caregiving my mother would kill me. I truly thought that. But at least for now, I made it. I've had four infections and course after course of anti-biotics since my mother died. My system is still trying to recover, but I think it will be OK. It is such a change to let down from the stress and I have heard of caregivers getting sick and not finding wellness for a year or so. I wonder what is ahead for me, and for all of you. Take good care of yourselves.