My mother has pneumonia and thinks she wants hospice. She had pneumonia in September and says her body has changed, and she's done. She is 97. She doesn't know what hospice is all about. The first meeting is Friday. Her mental faculties have been sharp, but are waning due to lowering oxygen levels. Today my sister-in-law who lives out of state and hasn't actually been here to help in two years, picked a fight and was angry that I don't let her do anything. She has held a simmering belief that she would do a much better job than I do. I have taken care of mother for five years. Now I don't want to be in the same room with my sister in law, who, when I asked how she sees us all being with mother, said : we're all light and happy for your mom so she can go happy."
My expectation is that she will try to take over, make decisions, and undermine me which is what she has done in the past and I don't think I can take that during my mother's last days. My brother has told her what the limits are...she doesn't get to make decisions, (I amended that to say she could tell us her ideas) she will not keep me from being with mom, and she is not to interfere. But that will only last while my brother is in the room. I have told her it is OK with me if she takes care of mom on the days I'm not here and that I know she wants to be a part of this. Right now, I'm not even sure mother wants hospice, but my sister-in-law absolutely insists it's what mother said she wanted, and she's afraid I am going to push mom to do something that she doesn't want. On the way home from the hospital today, my mother said it was hard to know what to do because she didn't know what it was all about. My job is to clarify and advocate for mother. I keep cautioning that mother may change her mind, but I'm mostly worried mom won't be able to understand without good oxygen levels. In September, she changed her mind about getting treatment for pneumonia, when she had previously had a POLST that said no treatment. She changed the POLST. And insisted on treatment. I'm willing to let mom go. I just don't want her panicked and scared because she is confused and doesn't know what to do. I tried to talk to my sister-in-law. I have included her in the caregiving when they were in town. It seems now I needn't have bothered, as she wanted to be in charge because she could do a better job. Yet, they weren't here, and came only when it was convenient.
I don't have anyone in my life to support me. My friends care, and all, but I'm single and don't have other family. The only caregiver groups are on days I'm at work. I also take care of my Aunt. I get the most support from her caregivers! Right now, I don't want to see my sister in law or be around her. I want to be alone with my mother and have there be time to talk. I suppose Hospice, if we go forward, will help with all this, but do you guys have any experience about how to deal with someone who is angry, and resentful and thinks it's OK to pick fights on a day when my mother decides to let go of life....I tried like the dickens to talk rationally and calmly and was rebuffed. She couldn't see my point of view no matter how I tried to open up and calm the water. (I've also posted this in hospice, to get their perspective) Thanks.
The worst I can wish for them is that one day they will understand what they have done.
Take time out. Is the funeral home one where you can spend a little time reading, thinking, just sitting quietly? Is your aunt nearby? I'm just trying to think of somewhere you can go to spend a few hours undisturbed. Are you in touch with a minister, perhaps?
What's happened is awful. You need a little time to yourself, and you need some good sleep. xxx
After working so hard to ask to have mother's apartment left as it was so I could go through things as part of my grieving process, after I left, my SIL and brother apparently emptied boxes, drawers, piled unwanted things here and there and took many items home. After an explicit agreement where I was to have time to sort through things, and then they could do whatever they wanted.
I had been keeping notes for years on where mother put things she wanted me to know about. I moved over a year ago, and I was talking to my brother tonight and mentioned that so far I had found only one note about stuff she wanted me to round up. It was in the Radio Shack box that was in the closet. My brother and SIL had dumped out the box and took the radio home. My mother's Christmas card list was in the box. She wanted me to use that list to notify her friends of her passing. When my brother told me I got angry. A simple, clear agreement that was spelled out and agreed to by all of us, didn't last two minutes. After we had removed the jewelry and ID stuff, I had again said in front of both of them to just leave things and I'd be through in a day or two and call them when they could come clean it out. I went to the dentist because I have an infected tooth, and then I was exhausted and went home.
I feel beside myself. I can't cry because I'm too angry. I can't get angry because I have too much grief. I have no way to think about this right now. I don't know how much they took or what they did. I can't keep the promises I made to my mother.
And honestly, I might love my mother more than anything, but changing her diapers is still unpleasant.
Death is so bleeping incomprehensible. Where did she go? I still don't really understand it. May good memories and passing time bring you comfort.
Blannie's advice is right and excellent. It is also a great deal kinder to your sister in law than I feel capable of being right now. I found myself weeping with anger this afternoon to think of someone mocking a person like yourself who was actually in the process of caring for her dying mother. It made me feel sick. But, again, Blannie is right; don't waste anger on her, it can only hurt you.
It was generous of you to share your sitting still time with your mother's aide. She will remember you gratefully for that. There never is enough time, though; that's the world turning, I'm afraid, there's nothing you can do to slow it down.
I am very glad that you were able to make clear your wishes to take your time with clearing your mother's home. You were right to understand that different people have different ways of coping; but your ways are the ones that matter now.
Not everything about your mother's passing was as calm as you could have wanted, the aftermath bureaucracy must have been a trial. But you're through it, your mother is at rest, and soon you'll be ready to enjoy looking forward - as I'm sure she would have wished you to, knowing, I'm equally sure, that you wouldn't miss her any the less for that. God bless you. xxx
And your sister-in-law just looks for things to be upset about. Imagine your poor brother living with that every day of his life. I'm sure it's not just with you...but that she does it about a lot of things. One way you can deal with it is when she does something like make a rude comment, just think to yourself, "Oh there she goes again. That's just how she is." And then let it go. Don't bother to give her criticism weight in your brain. She's not worth it. She's a negative, miserable person. And now she'll have to find other things to be miserable and critical about.
And it's very normal to feel both a feeling of sadness and of freedom. That's just being human. Now you don't have to worry about your mom any more. She's at peace. And I hope you will be too. Please remember her life and not the last day and her death. I'm sure she wouldn't want you fussing over whether you said this or that to her. I'm sure she loved you beyond measure and would be happy for you to go on and be happy and at peace in your life. And I'm equally sure that she knew that you loved her and would miss her.
I asked for and received a delay to sit with my mom after she passed. The med aide delayed as long she could. I knew she was probably going to get herself in trouble, so I felt a little hurried and I now wonder if it would have been better to have more time. The med aide loved my mother, and my mother loved her, and she was grieving as well. I didn't want her to be in trouble, so I did my best to assess my feelings, learn from the wisdom they brought and to once again, tell my mother what I wanted to. I am now wracking my brain to remember whether or not, at some point in the last few months, if I told my mother I would miss her. I think I did, and I hope I did. I know I said everything else.
My brother and I had had only a few minutes before SIL came. As soon as the funeral director took my mom, she wanted to clean out the apartment. I told her I understood she was hands-on person and saw a task and wanted to get in there and take care of it. I explained that I wasn't like that. I wanted to go slow and take time with the task of going through mother's things. That this was part of my grieving process, and would help me. I told her she didn't have to like it or approve of it, but that this would help me. Neither she nor my brother showed grief, but I know that is not always something we see. I covered the objections...money is not an issue, no kids or jobs to get back to...all the time in the world...etc. She agreed and I hope that is what happens. We did take the money and the jewelry and some of the papers, checks and ID/passports, etc. just to be safe.
I overheard my SIL tell my brother that I should have called him earlier than I did. I got there at 7:45a and called brother with the hospice appt. time at 8:30. He arrived at 9a. The agreement was to let him know when the hospice appt. was. And I didn't know when my mother would pass away. Three of my elder relatives passed away with me there, but not actually present when they passed. I just don't know how that happens. In every case, I was gone just a few minutes. I chose not to be offended by my SILs fault finding because I just couldn't. But it was upsetting just the same.
One of the things that has completely made me feel awful and good at the same time is the relief I feel at being free. I am so sorry to feel that way. I didn't want to say it out loud to anyone, it makes me ashamed and causes me to feel so sorry for having those feelings. I keep wanting to say "I didn't mean to think that, or feel that". But my caregiving duties are now for my Aunt, and I have trustee status and can hire help for her. It seems horrilble of me to feel these feelings before my grieving can subside.
I thank all of you again for your help. I am so grateful for the time alone with my mom yesterday. Bless you all and kindness, love, strength and prayers to you all. Thank you for the words to carry with me.
Thankfully hospice will be there tomorrow, and I'm expecting them to respect our individual needs. Thank you for your help. It is all I have and it is greatly appreciated. Without you all, I would be beaten down.
You have been caring for your mother for five years. You know her better than anyone. That is all the back-up you need for claiming the authority to make final judgements; and all the more so since you have clearly demonstrated your willingness to take everyone's feelings into account.
Lean heavily on the hospice people. That's what they're there for, and they do their job very well.
I am so sorry for your mother. We often like to believe that when the time comes we will know how we want to approach our own death. But how can we know? Hold her hand. Don't be moved from her side if you don't want to be. You have the right. God bless you, and send comfort to your mother. xxx
As far as your mom's decision-making goes, I'm in a similar place with my mom. She'll be 94 in a few days and has atrial fib and is on heart meds to slow her heart. Her decision-making skills are pretty much gone. I have tried to give her two options when she needs to decide something, but I can tell she's like a 5-year old, she doesn't know what to do and it makes her anxious. So I'll usually say, "Well why don't we do X, does that sound OK to you?" and she'll agree and be fine. So I'd say, help your mom make the best decisions for her. With her low oxygen levels, she's probably not able to make good decisions on her own.
But also know that if your mom has reached 97 years old, you two have done an awesome job and whatever you decide (hospice or no hospice) is JUST FINE. Good grief, she's already outlived just about everyone in her age group. So relax and know that you can take the best info and make the best decision and if you need to change it, you can change it! None of this stuff is cast in concrete.
And say what you need to say to your mom now. I have nothing "undone" with my mom. If she goes tomorrow, I'll be sad, but I'll know I've done the very best I could for her and that is ENOUGH. No regrets, no guilt. It should be the same for you. You've been an AWESOME daughter. Now relax as much as you can and let your mom's life be as comfortable and pleasant as possible in whatever time she has left. That's the most any of us can ask!