My mom has been diagnosed with dementia NOS. I have put her on the waiting list of a community with assisted living and memory care. I feel she can start with assisted living since she can still take care of her daily personal needs. Then she can transition to memory care when the time comes. She does not believe she has dememtia and fights me on everything. I plan to accept and apartnent when one becomes available, but I honestly do not know how I am ever going to get her there. I can't be the only one to have ever faced this problem. I need help.
If I had not been mentally prepared by this site, I might have backed off and let her have her way, which would have been negligent and foolish, but the easy way out. So many don't do the right thing because mom/dad start to protest, and you have to look past all the drama & theatrics. Her docs back home wouldn't communicate with me, so I had to go on what I could observe for myself.
I had a place picked out already. Mom got a tour, was told she was moving in, picked the apartment from the two offered, and we wrote the check from her account with her right there. We didn't hide the move. We kept reminding her about it, because she insisted she was staying with me forever. That was never offered, and total fiction.
Move day came, I went over to meet the movers, set everything up, dispose of boxes, and 6 hours later, my husband brought her over. She was spitting mad. Swearing up a streak that would make a sailor blush. She called everybody waiting in the lounge area by the dining room " a bunch of b*tches". So much for making friends.
This is normal, and it happens. Staff are used to it. A lot of elderly simply do not take to change easily. This is not a reason to withhold the change they need to stay clean, safe, & looked after. God bless people who can do it at home. I am not one of them.
Yes, there is weeks & months of preplanning, paperwork,finances, logistics, plus the emotional prep & aftercare required for everyone involved. If it goes easily, count your blessings. But, if it goes rough, that is not a reason to bail and undo all your hard work.
I have a friend in senior social work, and she said to give it not less than 3 months. Maybe 6 or 9 if the person didn't deal well with change before they got to this point. You won't be able to tell in a week or a month.
No, it's not the same as home. Yes, there is a schedule which my mom HATED. Hated isn't strong enough. She made it a lot harder on herself than it had to be, but I'm not responsible for her happiness. I didn't move her to be happy. I moved her to be safe and in a place where she would be taken care of regardless of what happens.
If your mom's POA is not activated, she is still able to make her own decisions. If she is not safe in her home, it may be time to start talking with her physician about activating her POA so that she is protected and in a safe environment. Also having her physician speak with her about her dementia and the deficits she does have will sometimes help. This process can sometimes talk awhile. you may want to consider getting some non-medical in home care in the mean time to check in on your mom and help her with reminders and other tasks as needed.
You might involve the Doctor and let him/her tell her she needs more help than you can provide at home.
You might tell her that the house needs some work that she cannot stay in the home while it is being done...i.e. tented for bugs of some sort...
Let us know how it goes.
It gets tricky to outsmart this strong resistance. We were reared not to do that, especially with our parental authorities. However, keep your eyes on the prize - their safety and health. This has to supercede everything else whether they move out of their home or stay put. My mother will never "forgive" me for moving her into a facility. Nevermind being there has saved her life several times. So be it. I will just be unforgiven and see her at visits vs. being forgiven while visiting her grave.
POA and Healthcare Directives were required to move in, and I must have caught a lucky break the day mom was willing to sign the POA document. I expected complete resistance, but on that day, she was willing to sign all that. She likes my husband more than me, so it was probably because he is listed as alternate and promised to "keep me in line". Yes, that burned, but I sat there & took it because it was getting the dad-gum document signed.
My mom has always grossly overestimated her abilities, and was very arrogant and overconfident with other people about what she could do. Yet my eyes, ears, nose, and hands told me otherwise. She was scared to death starting around dusk because of Sundowners. She pestered my aunt & uncle next door at all hours with her hallucinations of mean red eyes glaring at her through the windows (even with closed blinds & curtains!) She confabulated events to me when we talked on the phone. She had daytime hallucinations.
The county she was in was rural and had zero for senior services, so the government & community were not going to step in and just handle it. There was nobody to bring into her home and nowhere in the community to send her. It really came down to me doing what was necessary to intervene whether she pitched a big dramatic hissy fit or stayed quiet.
I don't think mom was forced into anything, but she had no option to continue the status quo either.
I am thankful for the facility, but the follow-up with them and the calls are never-ending. I have now gone from 24/7 to 16/7. It is progress. They have adjusted somewhat - and have some friends and activities, but my dad continues to threaten that he will leave and return to his home (now sold) and 1,000 miles away every two weeks or so. He keeps saying that there are people there that will take him in - I have no idea who these people are, if I knew, I would call them personally.
I can't even get her to go to the senior center and as someone else pointed out, it makes kids miserable with worry and guilt we aren't doing enough.
Legally, you can't force into care facility without invoked POA or their willingness. Most directors will tell you that without the POA, they can't force resident to stay and not leave even if it isn't in their best interest.
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