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Hi everyone, I need a little advice. I don’t know if you guys remember but my husband is putting in a new bathroom with a handicapped accessible shower. Yes, he has been working on it for awhile but it was so hard to get anything done going down for a day. He would work on the Lawnmower and cut grass and work on her car. So, he had a very short time to get to it, I did start cutting the grass for him but it was hard because I had the kitchen disaster to fix, groceries and laundry. I don’t know why but I am ready to scream every time I walk into her kitchen. The dishes are sitting in dirty water and even if she tried to clean them they weren’t clean. I asked her if she would consider having someone come in to tidy up the kitchen at least. She then did the I am such a burden. She really isn’t but I saw a lot of her physical challenges when we were together. I think sometimes she just doesn’t want to bother with them. I know how stupid dishes.

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Staff, I'm thinking that your mom is a bit of a hoarder. Mine was too - dirty water in the sink, not wanting to bathe ever, and having to have multiples of an item just in case. And never, ever allowing anything she can see a use for or has a memory with to leave the house.

I think you have to respect her boundaries but set your own. If she won't clean up, and won't hire it out, it's NOT up to you to do behind her back. You simply let her be. It's awful to do, but you just can't overrule them if they are competent. And if you are trying to get them declared incompetent, having pictures of how bad it is *without* your help is really important! So there are two reasons why to let her handle things herself and you step back.

I know you love your mom and respecting her as a person and letting her make her own mistakes is probably one of the very best ways you can show your love right now. You can also draw the line that you won't be around stinky dishwater or poopy toilets. Mthr always visited people in the grocery, their car if they came by the house, or sitting on the front steps. You don't have to go in, even though you badly want to help.
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Thank you all for your love and support. I keep all of you in my prayers. Love you all
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"Even when she tried to clean them they weren't clean." Why? Because your mother cannot apply enough pressure to hold and clean the dish? Or because she cannot see the dish well enough to know when it's clean? One reason dishes would be soaking in dirty dish water is to soften food remains on the dish, something often observed when someone has significant arthritis in their hands. Another reason would be waiting for morning light in order to better see the dishes, something older people with cataracts or diabetics with vision loss do. Have you discussed either possibility with your mother? Have you installed brighter lighting fixtures and/or bulbs in your mother's home?

Regardless of how much of a burden speech your mother gives you, I strongly recommend you get some in home help at least a couple days each week. Maybe they could also help with the laundry and take your mother grocery shopping so you do not need to attend to those tasks during your visits.
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Staffbull18 Oct 2019
That’s a great idea. She can see okay it’s just she can’t reach and standing for a while is difficult. I am hoping once we move her to the other side of the house closer to the bathroom, she will agree to have someone come in at least for the kitchen. She has been messy all her life and I am shocked they weren’t sick all the time, when we returned from the Bahamas the bathroom was half full of water that came back up the drain. They put dirty dish water in a bucket and took it out to the yard. My husband fixed the kitchen sink and you can put water down it. The bathroom at least doesn’t have the bathtub any more. She never would wash up in the bathtub even when I was growing up and it was okay. I don’t know why. But the plumbing is all new. I feel like she just doesn’t care if they are done or not, she does other things in the house to clean well ti move stuff from one place to another.?she also doesn’t want to get rid of things. She is putting a 7,000 roof on the old garage and it’s old and the roof has collapsed almost abd there is a hole on one side. I asked why not put that money towards an attached garage instead. She actually said she would really be a bad person to my brother because my dad and grandpa built it. She is still worried about upsetting him or taking care of things that should be done. She wants him to be proud Of what she is doing for the farm. I said do you think he cares
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Staff, I would pursue the idea of getting her help. Don’t let her pull the pity party act on you with the burden comments. Your mom is at the point that she needs help. If she was truly so upset by being a burden ,then she herself would suggest that maybe it’s time for her to sell and go to an apartment. Here’s an idea: clean out her kitchen and leave her one or two plates, a few spoons, forks and knives and the barest minimum of pots/pans and such. There’s only her and she doesn’t need a kitchen full of dishes and cookware. Donate what you take out or try to sell it and use the money for another fun trip.

Hugs and love to you, Lee and puppy.
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TNtechie Oct 2019
"Here’s an idea: clean out her kitchen and leave her one or two plates, a few spoons, forks and knives and the barest minimum of pots/pans and such. There’s only her and she doesn’t need a kitchen full of dishes and cookware. Donate what you take out or try to sell it and use the money for another fun trip."

I'm trying to imagine a senior in my extensive extended family who would submit to being disrespected in their own home this way... and I cannot. I can see several of them coming after anyone who tried with a broom handle. This behavior would sure explain seniors who do not want to "cooperate" with family that is only trying to "help" them.

Family should just feel free to take and dispose of an 82 year old diabetic's property and use the proceeds as they wish because she needs some help aging in place? Would it be okay if a stranger did the same? If she's having troubles keeping her dishes clean now then you thing having fewer dishes will make that easier? Or do you plan for her to use dirty dishes when it's too painful or too dark to wash the two plates you left her? How about the emotional impact of someone she should be able to trust taking what may include serving pieces that were wedding presents from her home? I know several ladies who took such pieces with them into an AL.

While I agree this senior probably does need to downsize to an apartment where there's no lawn care or maybe even an AL, I cannot agree this is an appropriate way to treat a competent senior.
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You Mom is declining. Does she take her diabetes meds like she should? Maybe a physical should be done. There are many reasons that she is like this. Does she take water pills. If so her potassium may be low.
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Staffbull18 Oct 2019
She takes all her medication and she sees the doctor every 6 months. She is totally with it. It’s her physical limitations. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to want to do something but you cannot. But like I said she has been messy all her life, my daddy just gave up asking her to clean the house.
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