Grandfather apparently asked grandma’s caregiver to come over while they’re not on her time. Is this unacceptable??

Nothing surprises me anymore. Are we really shocked by people’s behavior at this point? I know that I am not. Sometimes people that we thought were nice, can turn out to be not so nice after all, because it was all a ‘front’ to get you to trust them. It’s sad but it occasionally happens. Trust your instincts about her. Don’t allow your imagination to run away, but be cautious. Or she may simply be a genuinely kind soul. Who knows? There may be a strong bond between your grandfather and this caregiver.

It may or not be odd that a person who is ‘off duty’ to come over to ‘hang out.’ Caregiving is exhausting. It seems like she would want to get some rest on her off time. Wouldn’t you want this person to get proper rest? I would. It seems like your grandfather would want her to rest too.

Maybe your grandfather is lonely and he finds her company comforting. What negative thoughts are you having? Can you pinpoint your thoughts or do you just have a bad vibe about their relationship, or her in general? Just because she does a satisfactory job, doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have ulterior motives.

My dear mother in law was dying in the hospital with non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. My father in law ran into an old college ‘friend’ that happened to be volunteering at the hospital where my mother in law was a patient. My father in law did not handle my mother in law’s sickness very well at all. He couldn’t cope with her being ill. This woman cozied up to him. He ate up the attention.

My father in law started asking his ‘friend’ to accompany him. She bragged about him ‘crying’ in her arms the very night my mother in law died. Two weeks after my mother in law died, this woman moved into his home. She removed every picture of his family from the walls and replaced them with all of her family. It was really strange!

We couldn’t even grieve together as a family. He basically became a stranger to his family and was under this woman’s spell. He didn’t appear to grieve in any way. He traveled the world with this woman. He asked her to marry him. She refused because she wanted her money and home from her deceased husband to go to her children.

There are prenups but I guess she figured why should she get married, he gave her whatever she wanted. No one knows what people are thinking about. Your situation may not be anything like the woman that hooked up with my father in law, but like I said before, I am never shocked anymore. Anyway, it was his life and his business.

I think what the OP is worried about is the caregiver and granddad having an inappropriate relationship while the grandma is sick. I think if the caregiver hangs out with grandpa while grandma is sick and in bed that yes it is inappropriate of both grandpa and caregiver.

Technically a paid caregiver would not go to a clients house to "hang out" .
If they were getting paid to provide extra care that would be one thing but to come and hang out for a while is crossing boundaries.
BUT if the caregiver came over to provide care and support for both Grandma and Grandpa I could understand that. I am sure there have been times when Grandpa let her leave early and she was still paid for the full time, or she arrived a bit late and was still paid so a few hours would not be a problem and would even things out.
I think it might make a difference as to the distance. If the caregiver is 5, 10, 15 minutes away that is one thing but if she lives and hour away and left her family on a weekend to "hang out" I would find that odd.
Also if this is a 1 time thing, I probably would lift an eyebrow but not make a big deal of it but if this happens often I would question it.

Yes, a kind, caring caregiver would go spend some time with the people she spends so much time with.

Is dad able to make any financial changes? I would be mindful and watchful if you have any question about her motives.

Such a challenging situation when we worry about our parents being exploited by the very people that are hired to help protect them.