We invited my grandmother to New Year's day dinner at our house and she did come. We had reminded her to pack an overnight bag and stay the night. She has cataracts in both eyes and has a restricted drivers license. Which means she can't drive at night. Did she pack an overnight bag and spend the night? Nope, she bolted as soon as she could and drove home. We had reminded her 3 times that she cannot drive at night and her license states that. She responded with, "I can drive at night, I know how." We asked if she was prepared to lose her license and either hurt or kill someone because she can't see at night. She said that was none of her concern. What should we have done? What can we do in the future? Both grandmothers houses are not big enough to accommodate all the family for holidays.
She is a danger to herself and others.
Report her to DMV;
Disable her car. Arrange for Uber pick-up/drop off
Another alternative is change the timing of your dinner to a brunch and have everything end well before night.
Encourage her to have the surgery, for quality of life if no other reason. Before surgery I had some white towels and underware that were brownish and dingy. I would bleach them and bleach them. Couldn't get them white. After surgery I realize the poor little things were white, it was my cataracts that I was looking through that made them look dingy. I also had a pair of slacks that I thought were one color. Turned out they were another color and I had been wearing the wrong color blouse with them. My doctor laughed and said one client was going to paint their house because it looked so discolored. He advised them to wait until they had the surgery before making a decision. They didn't have to paint.
I even tried "therapeutic fibs" like saying if he were in a serious accident, where it was his fault, that he and Mom would lose all their life savings, and maybe even lose their house.... was that worth taking Mom to the grocery store because there was a sale on bread???
Dad and I would go around and around on that subject, which stressed me to no limits. I even recommended hiring a taxi, but no way would Mom ride in a car with a driver she didn't know [sigh].
During this phase of our parent or grandparent trying to keep whatever independence they have left, it won't be easy. If we take away the car, that means we need to substitute another means of transportation.
I was that transportation, but that also meant taking time off from work to drive them to 3 different grocery stores, and Dad wanting to go to Home Depot to roam around the store for an hour and at checkout all he had was one light-bulb.... [another sign]. Ok, it did get him out of the house so he enjoyed it.
Growing old isn't easy.
I moved the car to a friend's garage until we could get it ready to sell, so the issue was resolved. About two months later, we got a phone call about 7:30 one morning and he was exclaiming "Our cars are gone!" He had forgotten the whole thing. He doesn't have dementia, but his short term memory is shot.
Once their car was gone, I would take them shopping once a week for groceries and to any appointments they had. This gave me a good excuse to be with them each week and see how things were doing. We had been friends for over 40 years and this was not a hardship for me. Adult Protective Services proved to be the best solution in this case. I learned later that it was their eye doctor that alerted the DMV to their failing abilities--not with eyesight, but with dementia and forgetting. Neither one ever responded to the letter from the DMV to come in for a driving test, so the revocation was automatic.
She seems to be in early to mid dementia where they are in denial & stubborn about being told what as well as forgetful - they seem to be afraid at this stage of loosing control & can be acting like a drunk trying to show that they aren't so drunk where everything they do only shows it more -
Keep an eye on her with this in mind & it might be the time for the family to have a talk because there is more going on than some may have noticed
Immediately call: ministry of transport, her eye doctor & her regular doctor so that they can action taking that license away - meanwhile disable that car somehow before she drives off & gets lost then causes an accident
Your grandmother never entertained the idea of staying overnight. She came, she went home, she conquered: QED, she can drive at night, no matter what it says on her licence, because she did, and she's in one piece to say so, and she'll now be more convinced than ever that she is right and the rest of the world is wrong.
So unless you're prepared to shop her to the authorities you're wasting your breath arguing with her.
Two, you take the keys away.
Three, you find a hotel or an AIRBNB or you MAKE ROOM for her.
Four, someone goes and picks her up and brings her back home.
Five, you speak with her doctor or gerontologist and you have them speak with her about driving at night. It is not acceptable for her to put either herself or ANYONE else at risk. (Someone ran into me last year and I had a broken femur. What if this was your grandmother who had caused the accident?)
See All Answers