Guilt has been the biggest hurdle in having my wife enter MC. Had the paperwork and medical approval completed, but couldn't go through. Has anyone had this problem?

Since you are selling your house, what are your plans? Buying another house? Going into an apartment? I'd second the idea of you going into AL together. Get a 2 BR unit so caregivers can help her while you can get some rest. When her condition declines, then you could move her to MC.

Or it actually does sound like her condition is pretty advanced so MC might be the best place for her. It's time to make the decision to place her. I'm not implying that it's easy but it does seem like it is probably the best decision.

So sorry for your situation. Best of luck.

How are you doing, Dave?

You have dealt with this situation for a long time. It’s very hard and takes quite a toll on the caregiver. Do whatever is necessary to receive care for your wife and rest for you.

Best wishes to you.

Dave,

Guilt is a crippling emotion that can cause irrational thoughts. You have done nothing to warrant feeling any guilt.

If you had mistreated your wife that would be a valid reason to feel guilt, regret and remorse. You have not mistreated her. You have done the opposite of this. You care about your wife and wish for her to receive the best of care.

I think I may understand your emotions though. The guilt that you feel is most likely similar to ‘survivor’s guilt’ where everyone else dies in a tragedy and you are the lone survivor.

The person experiencing survivor’s guilt wonders why they survived and everyone else is dead. They wish the other people had survived too. They find it difficult to enjoy their lives knowing that the other people will never be able to enjoy life again.

I’m sure that your wife does not want to to suffer because of her situation.

Of course, you feel horribly that your wife no longer has all of her facilities. Anyone who loves their spouse would feel this way.

I have told my husband that if I develop dementia like my mother did to do what is necessary for me and best for him. I would not want him to miss out on life because I became incapacitated in any way.

My husband told me that he felt the same way if he develops dementia. He would not expect me to do more than I could do or would like to do.

This is a personal decision that only you can make and no one should judge you for the decisions that you make that is best suited for you and your wife.

This forum is wonderful and I hope you receive answers that will help you.

If you are able to get away, I highly suggest that you look into attending ‘in person’ support groups. I attended one when I was caring for my mom. It was extremely helpful to speak with others in person.

Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult journey.

Hi Dave,

There is sound advice here, as you know. I think you will find useful threads and spouses who have made the decision to place or not to place over at the Alzheimer's forum as well, if that would also be a help to you.
https://alzconnected.org/categories/spouses-or-partners

Guilt is married to causation. You didn't cause what has robbed your dear one of herself, and robbed you. The cause is a dreadful condition. You also can't "fix it", and that's hard for guy-types to accept. The other G-word is the appropriate word, and words we tell ourselves are very important. The other G-word is grief. Grief for her losses. Grief for your own. And this is worth grieving.

To continue in attempting care for someone in these conditions is dangerous both for you and for your dear wife. I think you may have a few failures in attempting to do this, but I think you already know it must be done, for if this attempting care you can no longer manage cause you to fail, what then does your loving wife have?

I am so sorry. I wish you the best.

Dave, the decision to place someone in Memory Care of Skilled Nursing is not an easy one to make.
When I was caring for my Husband I told myself that I would keep him home as long as it was safe for HIM for me to care for him and as long as it was safe for ME. Safety is not just physical safety but mental and emotional as well.
I was very lucky. He was compliant and I had the help of the Hospice Team. Through Hospice I got all the equipment and supplies I needed. My Husband was a Veteran so through a program with the VA I was able to get caregivers that gave me time to do things away from direct caregiving. (I had caregivers that I hired privately for about 5 hours a day for 5 days a week) ((Hiring privately is/was a stress in itself and I got one that was a nightmare))
If you are caring for your wife by yourself and it is safe to have her remain at home would hiring caregivers help you in any way?
If she needs constant supervision, is at risk for wandering off or is violent it might be that she would be safer in a Memory Care facility where she would have the supervision she needs.
There is no "right or wrong" decision. It is what is best for you and for your wife. Where will she be safest and allow you to take care of yourself as well.

You say you are selling your house. Is it an option for you to move into an Assisted Living facility where you can get help with and for your wife. When it is necessary you can place her in Memory Care and still be in the same building.
As I said there is no right or wrong.
You make the decision that is best for you.