Guilty thoughts about wanting it to end??

You are NOT alone, ScullyRed1. I am so sorry for your pain.

I watched my mother suffer in hospice (despite their promise to make "her comfortable). She was unconscious but screaming in pain...every single day and night! It was horrific.

One morning, I witnessed her choking at 3:16 a.m. and ran to the nurse's station. While running back to my mom's room I was scared to death she was dead and another part of me was scared to death she wasn't. I just couldn't bare to see her suffer anymore. It's a totally helpless feeling and I do understand your situation.

If I can do anything to help you, please let me know.

In the meantime, my prayers are going out to you and your family.

Your thoughts are normal. IT has taken me a few years to realize that. I have been caring for my Mom for 6 yrs now. She has Alzheimer's. A while back I had gone mad for a few seconds and told her, Would you please just die and release me of this madness. Of this daily insanity. After I said that out loud to her, I cried for her. I realized, I was making the madness worse for both of us as she has no clue to the madness that was happening in her life. She has no control over it. It's the card she was dealt. She was a great Mom. She raised 7 of us rug rats. She was patient, fun , kind etc. I had to make changes for her and me. I did. Now, the days are quieted, more loving and enjoyable. When she does go, I will miss her immensely and always feel guilty for what I said to her and how I did treat her at times I thought I couldn't do it anymore.

NO. Get help. As much as you can afford. It makes life worth living again.

Don't feel guilty I have been taking care of my husband with early onset alzheimers for 7 years , I am broken. H e has destroyed our house with holes in the wall , slamming doors, broken faucets , moving furniture and lifting the counter tops so they are cracked. Now he is acting like a child and will not get dressed or take a shower today I was to bring him in for a ekg and blood work but he won't get dressed or take a shower and if he is forced he will hit you. I am in the process of putting him in a home for my own sanity. He is only 62 and extremely strong. I to wish he would die.

Those thoughts are normal. I had them, I suspect most do. There is no need for guilt. Give yourself a break, mentally and physically. Seek help if you need it. Working and caregiving is incredibly difficult.

You are not alone! My sister and father died and left mom to me. I understand the thought of what if mom and husband, who has major problems, died. If you are like me, you feel tired down to your bones. I am trying to find some me time. Covid was great for me. Don't get me wrong, I hate that people got sick and died. But it gave me a chance to slow down. I had a built in excuse not to go all the time. Now, normal is starting again. I'm trying to put limits on how much time I spend on others. I'm also trying to make sure I read each day. Notice I said trying. I know I will feel quilty after they are gone but . . .

You have helped me. Thank you. We need to take care of ourselves because no one else will. We need to find a happy place we can escape to. We need some me time. We need to allow ourselves to have these thoughts and not feel quilty!

Take care. I hope life gets better.

No you are not a bad person. I frequently have those thoughts. And if you read through this forum, you find many others with the same feelings. My mother has no quality of life with her advanced dementia and she is constantly anxious, angry and paranoid. My mother was not a good mother - she was abusive. I do not do any hands on care at all - I knew my boundaries with that plus she needs too much oversight for any one person to handle. But even managing her finances and other affairs makes me anxious. I am an only child so there is no other family. I am sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain.

I read a lot of these messages, but rarely answer - this one I was compelled to write a quick response.

I run a small home healthcare agency in the Fort Lauderdale, FL area. I frequently get calls from the adult children wanting me to "make their mother go away" - they don't want anything to do with her - usually, it's just because they are too busy watching their "shows" to be bothered. I turn down a lot of those cases because I always want to be working with a family that has their parent's best interest at heart.

You Ms. Scully are not horrible - you are a hero!!! You obviously have love and compassion for your mother - even if she wasn't the best mother. (I promise you she was the perfect mother for you, but that's a different conversation.)

Here's my advice: Take a few minutes and stand quietly in front of a mirror. Let yourself breathe for a minute and "be" with the "woman in the mirror". Then honor that woman for the love, caring, compassion, strength, confidence, and everything else you provide for your mother. Honor yourself for your sacrifice and honor yourself for the contribution you are to your mother. The world needs more daughters like you!

You may also want to have a local home healthcare agency to spend 4-6 hours a day with your mom a day to two a week - respite care - so you can have a break!

What they say on airplanes is true... put your oxygen mask on before you help the person next to you. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your mother!

Breathe... you and your mom are both blessed!

Brad

You are most definitely not alone, as demonstrated in these responses. There are support resources out there. Daughterhood.org is a great forum to connect with others in your situation. Your county's Agency on Aging or Senior Services should be able to hook you up with support groups and other resources, too. Please - take care of yourself. I know people say that and it seems impossible to actually do, but find a way. Caregiver burnout has sent me into a dangerous, self-medicating downward spiral twice now in the three years I've been caring for my Mom. Both times, my family was completely in the dark about how desperate I was. I was that good at hiding it, and it happened very quickly each time. You need community and a safety net. If you want to talk, you can contact me.

You say your mother was not a good mother in many ways. So you are feeling what I think is normal. You were put into a situation that was not fair to you - I doubt anyone but you does anything at all, right? If this is overwhelming you and harming you, STOP AT ONCE. Immediately make the sister do her share and if she refuses, and she will, then YOU must find a way to remove your mother and place her. You have a right to a decent life and with her there, you will never have peace.

Find ways to reduce your stress ASAP without eating. Try to avoid medication.

If your mom passes away, there will be a whole new set of stressors that will hit you like a brick.

Find some outlets: meditation, reading, music, yoga, working out, long walks, researching an interest, support groups. Diversify your interests to protect yourself from depression.

Hold yourself accountable for your happiness and future.

That could have been written by me!! My sister passed away almost 5 years ago and I immediately became caregiver to my mum who moved in with me. It's ruined me, my health and my life and I want it over too. I feel bitter every day. So no, you are not alone. Take care. X

It is important to remember that this is NOT your mother's fault! You can get in-home care to help out. There are programs available that will help you with the expense too. Programs like IRIS in Wisconsin can offer assistance financially and give you resources.

Also, there are many cures now being found to help people. Do not give up hope! God will see you through this.

No you are not alone. I know it can make us feel guilty. ❤️❤️😘

Many here including myself have the same feelings. Some mothers did not know how to mother and I like to think they did the best they could.....maybe not. We cannot change the past but there is no need to give up your life now.

Place her somewhere safe, hire help and make sure her needs are met. Caring for her does not mean you have to do it all.

You need to have peace and rest otherwise your health will fail even more.

Do you have someone to help you sort out these feelings and needs of your mother?

I wish you love and peace.
Feel free to share all thoughts with us here.

This is overwhelming. I understand. Antidepressants , weight gain, depression, I wanted to switch places with other friends who were dying, was thinking of how to end it myself, loss of the lifestyle we had together. Even now I’m 2 years past his death- I’m still angry, but miss him . At 70 I feel life might as well be over. Alone. Lonely. If you have caregiver support group or find one, I got one thru asking at the nursing home. I’m so sorry for your pains

You are def not a horrible person for thinking this at all. My mother turns 88 in July and she is driving me crazy. Her mother lived till 96 and if my mother makes it to 96 I will be crazy. I know I can handle my mother's death but I'm not certain how much longer I can handle her being alive. Do you have enough time at least to visit with a counselor?

You are not alone. I've had the same thoughts. I pray for my mom to go to Heaven, daily.

One thing that helps is my support group. We're allowed to vent without judgment. It's the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group.

Praying for you to have some peace.

Sones like you ate Overwhelmed and Burnt Out.

You should have a chat with your mom and let her know how you feel and what it's doing to you and that other arrangements will have to be made.

#1 Mom can pay for Caregiving help or a Live In.

#2. Mom can choose a Senior Home to go to.

I think you would benefit from speaking with a therapist. It will help you find new ways of coping with the long term stress. Caregiving is a very hard job and takes so much out of you. Are you able to put a little space between the two of you? If she lives on her own this is the easiest thing and will help enormously. Just limiting your contact and being very scheduled about what you do when you are with her is helpful. Depending on her needs, does she have any funds to hire an aide now and then?

There are a whole lot of us feeling and thinking just as you do. It’s been almost 8 yrs for me caring for my mom 24/7/365, after dad died. For 8 LONG yrs!!! She has dementia, Wants to be treated like the princess my dad made her. Always wants her way, no matter the risk. She will be 96 in November. No reasoning skills, bad knee, 1 already replaced. Can not hear unless you are screaming at her. Can not see or doesn’t recognize things. Wants 3 home cooked meals everyday. She thinks that she has a little memory problem, but otherwise she thinks there is nothing wrong with her😳. Every morning I have horrible thoughts, hmmmm maybe she died in her sleep?? When I see that she didn’t, dread starts creeping in my brain. By the end of the day I am so exhausted I can’t sleep. Then alone in my room, the guilt starts. I should have been more patient. I should understand how frustrating it is for her not to be able to do anything.
It is a vicious circle.
I love my mother. And will miss her terribly when she is gone. But I am so tired.
I really know how you feel. I have been told many, many times it is normal to feel this way.
Some days are better than others.
I guess I will just keep dreaming that one day I will have my life back.
Good Luck and don’t be so hard on yourself.
She is lucky to have you!

I think you are experiencing these feelings because you need to find someone else to care for her. Please don't end your life. Aging parents and caregiving can be so difficult but life will get better for you. Please do something nice for yourself. Also, know that there is a 24 hour hotline you can call in the US even if you are not planning, just experiencing thoughts: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800) 273-8255.

You are not a horrible person, it’s too much for you to cary on your own. It’s not that you want anything bad to happen to her it’s just that you need air to breathe and cope, it’s human and it’s normal. You have to get help with responsibilities for her, for her sake and firstly your own.

I’m glad I’m not the only one wanting it to end

I feel the same way every single time I have to interact with my mother which is daily. I won't be free until she's gone.

Imho, you are NOT a horrible person, but a human being, who needs respite through any means possible, e.g. Visiting Angels, et al.

No, you are not alone…prayer really, really helps.

Just remember she could be gone at the drop of a hat. I too was in the same predicament you are with a mother with dementia and was taking 4 Saffron capsules per day just to cope with her disease. She passed 2 months ago and I told her everyday how precious she was to me because I knew that someday soon she would be gone out of my life forever. I know it's hard but you can do it. You will have strength you didn't know you had. It's a whole different ballpark when she's gone. I miss her so much and just wish I could hold her hand one more time. Hang in there dear.

I feel very much the same way. I also feel incredibly guilty and sad when I am feeling this way. I am 64 she is 85. Been with my husband and I for over 4 years now. Getting sicker slowly. I do not wish her dead, I just am not happy with the way my life is going. We are empty nesters my husband still works. I guess a big part of me is jealous because she never had to do what I am doing. I pray a lot it helps.

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! My mother is horrible and I dread seeing her. She is verbally abusive and occasionally physically. I love her and do not want her to suffer. But I just can't listen to her tell me that she is going to die, come back and make my life a living hell, to get even with me for "Ruining her life." Or that I'm fat, or need a face lift before I lose my husband, or my rear end is a wide as a barn.

She is in a nice Board and Care with her own room. I make all her doctor appointments, take her to them, get her medications to the Board and care, pay all her bills, cook special treats for her, buy her sushi, etc.
I am not an evil person, I'm just tired, hurt and feel unappreciated.

So, no guilt! I'm a saint and so are you.

God Bless you, hang in there.