Guilty thoughts about wanting it to end??

No. Not at all.

No,what you’re feeling is very normal. This is a “long goodbye” and many caregivers have similar feelings.

I had a prayer I often said when I was caregiver for my mom. “Not too soon and not too long.” I feel no guilt for that prayer and God answered my prayer in the end, for which I am forever grateful.

You say mom is in AL - but you are the caregiver. If she is in AL is she not relying on the staff available to her 24/7? If not, step back and let the staff do the heavy lifting.

I don't know how often you visit her - but cut it back to once at week at most. Don't take all her phone calls. Try not to talk to her more than once a day. Stay in contact with the staff and see how it's going.

I don't know maybe you tried it all and it doesn't work, but YOU must find some balance in your life and not let mom consume all your lifeforce. Please, please, please take care of yourself. Take time off. Let the staff know so they can contact you in case of a true emergency and don't speak to you mother while you are away - recharge your batteries. Once a month have a few day of NO MOM contact to take care of yourself.

Set boundaries with mom - you know she is who she is - accept it for what it is. You also need to deal with the grief of the loss of your sister - the longer you go without dealing with it the harder it will be to work through it. See a therapist - do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

And finally - NO your are NOT horrible - you have needs of your own that have gone unmet.

I just skimmed the posts.

Maybe its time for Boundries. Sorry Mom I can't do this and that anymore. Now, my Mom was easy and pretty much into her Dementia journey but I was so happy there were things I didn't have to do any more. She was given 3 meals a day and snacks. I provided her Depends but not once did I have to change her. The nurse took care of ordering Moms pills and talking to the doctor concerning any changes. I just paid the bills. Worst thing was I still had her house to deal with. I did do her laundry but they did have the service. I was a little OCD. My brother said I was my own worst enemy. I visited no more than 30 min a day, but like said Mom probably didn't know if I had been there or not. If Mom gets started on you, you can leave or hang up the phone. She needs you more than you need her. Think on that. Should give you a new perspective.

I will assume here Mom is demanding and critical. As her daughter you do not have to put up with this. She is safe, fed and has staff to take care of her. She is not your life, she is part of your life. You do what you want to do when you can. Right now being a teacher is not easy. You have had to adapt to a whole new way of teaching.

Is the AL expecting things from you? At Moms I was only called if she had fallen and was taken to the hospital. Staff needs to handle everything else and Mom has to depend on them.

Is Mom bugging you with calls. Block her. Tell her you will call her at a certain time during the day. There is no law saying you have to pick up. Tell the AL that unless its an emergency or something to do with her care, a fall, the staff should handle everything else. Thats what Mom is paying the big bucks for. I left a white board in Moms room for the staff to write down anything they needed. I did supply the diapers but with Moms money. I did replace shoes and clothing, with Moms money.

Give us some examples and we can tell you if you need to do them or allow the staff.

NO you are not a horrid person. This is not a situation you asked for or expected, and it has been put on you by a situation that in itself has a very stressful effect for you.
You don't have to do this. You don't have to do it if you had the most loving mother and the most amazing relationship in the world, if it is something you are not cut out for, and which controls and changes your life - never mind if you have a mother you don't really get on with and who wasn't so wonderful.
Arrange for your mother to go to a facility that can care for her needs and get your own life back. If you cannot afford it then let the State take care of it.
Don't let ANYONE guilt you into doing what they think is right for your mother, you have a life which you have every right to get on with. We aren't all cut out to be carers especially for those who didn't care for us - you wouldn't take it on for a neighbour, so why should you if your relationship isn't close with someone who just happens to be your mother.

You are experiencing burn out. Nobody can care for another person 24/7/365 without burning out. Consider that you deserve a medal for surviving as long as you have... and start to plan of a different kind of life.

1 - Contact others to help care for your mom. Contact family, friends, members of your faith community and paid help. The goal is to have enough help from others so your life basics can be completed: 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace. "time off" to meet your own health needs, and "time off" to meet your "recharge needs" (doing things you enjoy with people you care about).

2 - If you can't get enough volunteer help, it is time to consider residential care for your mom. If she can afford it and is mentally competent, then a senior community or assisted living is for her. If she has problems with either, she probably qualifies for a bed in a residential facility that takes Medicare/Medicaid.

3 - Please consider mental health as a high priority for yourself. Seek a psychiatrist who places a high value on "talk therapy" and not just medication. Medication is good to help with your symptoms while you work on changing your life situation.

Prayers! Blessings!

If your Mom is alone and is demented, then I would consider placement for her, or, if you are not POA or guardian, consider reporting her to APS as an adult at risk. There is no reason you should sacrifice your own life to this person because of an accident of birth. I would seek help. You have too much on your plate right now and only a professional can help you comb it out and advocate for your own mental health. I am so sorry about the loss of your sister and for your feelings of needing to care for a person; you won't get much in the line of thanks from anyone for sacrificing your own life. To me we have this one and only life, this one chance at happiness and at making the world a better more quality life. It isn't to be wasted. Please consider help to support yourself as you move to a better life. Your mother? Well, there are more than a few in her position who never HAD children, so they are unable to make their lives miserable for decades. I am so sorry and I wish you so much luck.

SCully, I don't think there is anyone in this group with a family member who suffers from an incurable disease who hasn't or doesn't wish their LO would pass and leave their suffering life.
As long as you don't take any steps to hurry the end, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Speaking of my own situation, every time I walk into the bedroom, I hope and pray he is still breathing; and hope and pray he isn't. That is my reality and I am okay with it.
Hugs

You are not a horrible person, for if you were, we all would be. Hugs to you ❤

Scully, you are NOT a horrible person, and you are most certainly not alone. Heck, you just described my life and here I thought I was alone and a horrible human. If I'm being perfectly honest, I hate caregiving. After this is done, I'm done with it forever, I will not do it ever again for the rest of my life. I was caregiver to 3 people, I've been through pure hell, and now I'm done with it completely. I cry everyday, I'm over stressed and therefore stress eating. I'm trying not to resort to medication because I know it's temporary. But everyday I wish grandma would die because she has no quality of life left and it would be easier than dealing with this crap. I feel like I have no life or sanity anymore.

*hugs* I hear ya. Boy, do I hear ya!

"...sick of being the expected answer to everything for my mother."

Apart from your mother, who can't be expected to put other people's needs before her own (because neither could we if we had Parkinson's and depression), who's doing the expecting? Just you? Anyone else?

Do you think the sacrifice you are making to your mother's care might be one way that you are in fact processing the loss of your little sister to suicide? You don't say very much about what the caregiving involves, but I suspect the workload you're carrying might be disproportionate both to your mother's identifiable needs and to any reasonable assessment of your available time, strength, personal resources.

Wanting an ordeal to end hardly makes you horrible, does it? And just at this point, the only end you can see to your ordeal is your mother's death. There are two problems with that. First, you are not a horrible person and you do not actually want your mother to die. Second, she's 78 and in an ALF - it's very unlikely to happen any time soon.

I don't think it's cruel or monstrous to propose one goal as desirable: that your mother does not end up burying a second daughter. 30% of caregivers die before the person they care for. Let's not let that include you.

You say that your sister's death five years ago made you instantly your mother's caregiver. So - your sister was then your mother's primary caregiver, yes? And your mother was then only 73 which, these days, is barely senior. So - why?

I'm going to stop bombarding you with questions, but the aim is to look more closely at the burden you're carrying and see what part of it you can put down or hand over. Or set fire to and dance round the bonfire, even, metaphorically speaking.

You are not alone with these thoughts. I am an only child to a 94+ year old mother with pretty advanced dementia who relies on me for everything, thinks it's my obligation to absorb her daily bad moods, negativity and misery, and let's me know no matter what I do its never enough. It all falls on me, everything, with no thanks, just entitlement, and daily reminders she "should be" living with my DH and me and not in the Memory Care Assisted Living place she does live in. She's wheelchair bound and incontinent to name a few of her many issues. I pray God takes her every single day and I don't feel guilty saying that, either. She's 100% miserable 100% of the time and she's making my life a torture chamber too. I've been managing her entire life for 10 years now and have a sick DH and my own health issues as well, not that she gives a flying fig about either. Her wart is way more important than my DHs liver cancer.

So I get it. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister and the predicament you find yourself in now. Wouldn't it be nice to just pack up and run away to Tahiti bad leave no forwarding address?

I’m so glad you are aware of all the extremely painful issues that come up for you in providing care for your mother. I hope you can take action and protect and prioritize your own life and health. You matter too!

Scully,

I am so sorry that you are struggling with these thoughts. You’re obviously suffering terribly. I truly believe that you would benefit from therapy.

Sounds like you didn’t even have a chance to process the death of your sister and grieve for her. Your profile states that your mom is in an assisted living facility. How involved are you with her care? Please tell us more details so we can help you.

Please seek help for yourself.. Do whatever you need to do in order to regain your life back.

Wishing you all the best.

We care. Reach out, there is help.