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I am in denial that someone I loved so much and who was with me my entire life has left this world forever. I am having a hard time understanding this and why it happened. I still feel her presence and can easily visualize her and hear her voice.
I lost my father (who was 32 yrs old when he died of Bright's disease) when I was 8 yrs old and in third grade. How I coped at that age was to have many private conversations with him whenever I needed to. I still do it to this day and I am now 79. My mother was still a young woman and was really unable to deal with the reality. So, she had my grandparents come live with us and actually raise my younger sister and I. Her thoughts were totally about her - with no thought about her children. Of course she married within a year and that was her solution. However, it made it more difficult for my younger sister and I. How I dealt with my grief then was to have conversations (in my head) with my Dad about whatever problem I was dealing with. Those conversations were very important! I could tell him anything - sort of talk it out. I knew he would understand. Those private conversations gave me strength and eventually insight to accept the reality. By the way I still have conversations with him privately. It gave me comfort and somewhere to turn - it also allowed me to vent and of course the next conversation I told him how I had solved the problem. I think I was looking for (love of course) but mostly a chance to feel I had someone in my corner. My Dad and I are still friends and I do communicate with him when I have some kind of problem. It gave me the courage to carry on - it still does. Having someone that you had a close relationship with and then loosing them is leaving you (like half a person). I was very honest with my Dad (still am) and I know he is proud of who I have become and the 3 sons I raised. So, my Dad helped me from the deep love and faith I had in him to have to same faith and belief in myself. I think they call that feeling courage. Everyone needs someone who cares about them. I had my Dad.
Ah, this lady, ROSEPETAL, has in the past received the caregiver's good stamp of excellence, imo. She is a wonderful person, I have read, posted by Staceyb.
GardenArtist, ROSEPETAL does post in all caps for a reason, she is not yelling.
Her Birthday is soon, in November.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSEPETAL!
My fiirst clue....her screen name is in all caps. But I have not yet read her post to which you referenced yet. Maybe trolls do take over our posts if we are gone for awhile?
A computer gremlin----that must be what happens to my posts when I get grouchy and call some poor caregiver out.
If RosePetal is who I think she is, she's a long time poster who to the best of my recollection hasn't posted in all caps before. I suspect this might have been a computer gremlin, of which I've seen a lot lately.
It's a lovely post to shout from the roof-tops, all the same :)
Maybe Rose has a visual impairment and finds it hard to see lower case? I believe there is a function to make the font size larger on the site, though, isn't there? - just don't ask me how to do it... :/
Rose ... it is considered YELLING to use all caps ... rude, in other words. But, even aside from that...a post with all caps is near impossible to read.
DEAR BLOOMSCHOOL, SHE MAY NOT BE PHYSICALLY HERE BUT SHE WILL ALWAYS BE IN YOUR HEART. THAT IS A GOOD THING! MY FATHER DIED AT AGE 32 - WHEN I WAS 8. I STILL MISS HIM AND I AM 79 YRS OLD. HOWEVER, WHEN I WAS A CHILD I WOULD HAVE PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULD UNDERSTAND. HE WAS MY PRIVATE FRIEND WHEN I WAS 8 AND STILL IS AT AGE 79. HE IS PHYSICALLY GONE BUT I HAVE WONDERFUL MEMORIES AND INSTEAD OF MAKING ME SAD - THEY ARE COMFORTING TO ME. SOMEONE MAY BE PHYSICALLY GONE BUT THEY EXIST IN YOUR MIND. I THINK THAT IS CALLED TRUE LOVE! THERE ARE MANY PHASES' ONE GOES THRU WITH A LOSS OF A DEAR ONE. I WAS A CHILD AND I MADE MY DAD WHO DIED MY SECRET FRIEND. HE WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM - NOT PHYSICALLY BUT IN MY MIND - AS HE ALWAYS WAS THERE FOR ME PHYSICALLY WHEN HE WAS ALIVE. HE WAS AND IS MY HERO AND ALWAYS WILL BE. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS NO LONGER LIVING DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE GONE FROM YOUR LIFE. GOOD MEMORIES ARE WONDERFUL MEMORIES. SOMEDAY YOU AND I WILL CEASE TO EXIST AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS I HOPE I HAVE LEFT WONDERFUL MEMORIES TO MY CHILDREN (AS I HAVE OF MY FATHER) TO COMFORT THEM. IF I WAS NEAR YOU I WOULD GIVE YOU A HUG - MAKE YOU A CUP OF TEA AND SERVE SOMETHING SWEET TO EAT. I CONSIDER MYSELF LUCKY TO HAVE HAD A MAN LIKE MY DAD IN MY LIFE. I ALWAYS TRIED TO MAKE HIM PROUD OF ME. SO, SOLDIER ON AND ONE DAY YOUR MEMORY WILL BRING YOU COMFORT INSTEAD OF PAIN. YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE LOVE TO REMEMBER HER BY.
My Mom's birthday is May 24 and she passed last July 2016.. Mother's Day and her birthday are the first without her.. I'm having a hard time keeping the tears at bay... I'll go to the cemetery visit her and Dad..It's a National cemetery and it's so beautifully manicured, it always makes me feel good too know they are together..
The grieving process is on going.. I just try to think of the good days and put the whole dementia/caregiver stuff behind..
Not being exhausted daily does put it all in perspective!
I wish I could say that it gets easier but to be honest I am in denial and am not afraid to admit it. I can go days and weeks thinking I am doing okay and then out of the blue I feel and smell the hospital where Mom died and it's like someone picked me up and planted me there in the waiting room or sitting by my Mom's bed. I can hear the sounds of the hospital and smell the smells. Flashbacks, I guess you would call it. It happened just last night. I cry and cry and get it out of my system till the next time it happens. My Mom will have been gone two years on May 9th and I think this flashback thing has happened to me about 4 or 5 times since she died.
There are five stages of greif. Denial is one of them. Anger is another. For me, my mom was suffering so much. I loved her very much. I was glad she was suffering anymore. I was not there when she passed. I arrived a few moments later. As sick as my mom was, her light, her energy was there. When I walked into the hospital room my mom was not there. Not her light. Not her energy anywhere. Just her unfunctioning physical remains. That was a hard moment. I knew that she was gone from this dimension. I carry my mom with me. I have some of her ways. I remember her lessons. I remember her history and mine together. I celebrate her life. I thank her for mine. I have heard her voice as if she was standing right next to me in times of great despair. Before anyone starts thinking anything strange, it is a mathematical and scientific fact that every sound ever made since the Big Bang is still out there. We just lack the ability to hear the frequency. Interstellar is an amazing movie which gives an extraordinary representation of what I am trying to share. Love transverses all dimensions. We live in love. I had an amazing mom and she is always with me. I am now the oldest female in my family and have truly known the women in my family who were once the oldest. I carry and share their stories with the younger ones they never knew. I endeavor to do them proud. I share their lives and love with the ones who will survive me. I still give my mom a Mother's Day corsage every year as I did while we shared the same dimension. A mother is never ever gone. She lives where she always did. In our heart. God Bless and keep you. R.
You never truly get over it. My mom passed 4 yrs ago on 4/25. Took about a year to accept it. I cried a lot the first 6 months. I've cried many times during these past four years. Now between 3-4 years I am more accepting of her being really gone. I have more "chuckle" moments when I talk to her in my head or yes sometimes out loud. "Chuckle" moments because my mom and I could make each other laugh about simple things every day. I don't think about the last 18 months before she passed because that was such a stressful time for her, with one illness/episode after another. There were some rough times in those months and I am sure when she passed she was ok with going as her dementia got worse and she was having more regularly episodes of forgetting who my brother and I were. She was for awhile at the end a changed woman she wouldn't know. She was independent right up until about 2 years after she fell and broke her hip. She hated losing her independence. You'll never get over losing your mom- its right up there with the most awful things we cope with during life. You'll work through it and it's ok to think you won't right now as it's too fresh. You too will remember your "chuckle" moments and find yourself giggling too, but it's normal for the first year to just really miss your mother badly. Like an ache that won't subside. It doesn't- takes a lot of time. It's a hard time now, remember the good times as they get you through the bad. Sorry for your loss.
Lots of good advice here. You are doing just the right thing, which is reaching out to others for support.
My father died when I was in medical school, after a few months of serious illness. He was a difficult person, I was not so close to him, and I'd been living far from him for several years at that point. Still, I found his death terribly difficult and disorienting for quite some time. There is something really awful about the finality of death. The person will always live on in your heart and memory, but once he or she has died, you will never be able to see them or talk with them the way you once could. You are left with a hole in your universe that can never be quite filled or repaired. But as others have said, you eventually learn to live with it, though it can take a while.
I think one of the most important things is to realize that you aren't alone in this and that there are places, such as this forum, where you can bring up your feelings and get some support. Take care.
I lost my mom the when I was 17, the spring of my sr year in college. She had been fighting cancer for 6 years, up and down, and I couldn't ask her to stay when she was so miserable. I found that other people helped--I spent most that summer at my brother's house, with a niece and nephew I grew up with. My first year in college my roommate had lost her mom at about the same time, and it helped to be with someone who'd been there. Looking back, it probably took two years to resurface. Then Dad passed away fairly quickly five years later, right after I got engaged; I realized years later that he had missed Mom terribly and only kept going worrying about me; I was the last one at home, my brothers were all grown and had their own families--and they were great. When he knew that I was marrying a good man he trusted, he let go--told my BIL that he'd never met a man that he thought would take better care of me. Then I discovered that one of my dad's best friends lived in the town I moved to with my husband, and that helped a lot. My husband has been gone now for more than ten years; it may sound weird, but I make a point to go to funerals for family and friends and say that one thing I can do is hug widows. I didn't go to any formal "grief counseling" but be as available as possible to people who need someone; don't necessarily even talk, just be there. I'm still working; it is sometimes hard to do things my husband used to do, or to apologize for not being able to do what he did. But one of my customers surprised me by saying "I don't know if you remember me, but I remember that you came to my uncle Bernie's funeral."--which had been perhaps 10 years ago. But this is life--sometimes I think that we grow old so that we'll be ready to trade in our failing body. None of my kids knew my parents, but my brothers and other family members stepped in; my older grandkids knew their grandfather but now I have two more that he never knew. Being the youngest in my own family, I've always been kind of generational link; one of my nephews told me recently that he was glad I was a lot younger than his parents because I'm still here and a link with his parents. Sorry to go on like this; haven't done it for awhile. The classic advice is to not make major decisions for a year after a major loss; time and good people are the best medicine.
You should seek out a counselor/psychiatrist who can help you get through this difficult time. I did when I lost my mother. That's the typical approach.
I just lost my mother on March 6th of this year and she was just shy 3 weeks of her 94 birthday. My mother lived with me and had dementia. I am starting to adjust to it. I wish she was still with me, but I know if she kept living she would just suffer more. So I guess, that helps me cope with her being gone. All I can say it gets better, just one day at a time. Allow yourself to grieve. I know my mom is with me and she loved me.
I share your feelings. My Mom passed away at home. She was on hospice and I was with her prior and at the moment of her passing. That was 8 long months ago and it won't sink into my head that she has died. She just disappeared one day. It almost seems like I just knew her in a previous life. No matter how I try, it won't sink in, therefore I am unable to mourn her death. I thought there was something wrong with me too. I miss her dearly but reality of her death just won't click in my head. So I understand fully what you are going through.
I don't know when the healing begins. I am sorry for your loss as I lost my 84 year old mother 3 weeks ago. I have cared for her since 1995, however she's been in my home since 2002, the last 11 of those years she was very ill. I only find a little comfort in knowing that she is no longer hurting, she has gone to a better place, that we have wonderful memories and that I did everything in my power to help her in her time of need. Prayers to you.
I am so sorry for your profound loss. Just reading your post made me weep. I really don't have any words of wisdom. Just sending you a "virtual" hug... Regarding all of the psychological stuff you hear about the "stages of grief," I really never understood how that is helpful to the person experiencing the grief. There's no time period you must adhere to or expect. Just let it flow in whatever way you need it to. One thing that helped me after my father passed a long time ago (when I was 30 years old) was that I made a conscious effort to share positive and humorous memories of him with my friends and family, as opposed to lingering in thoughts of him as he was during his illness. My brother and I tried to always recount some wonderful memory about our dad. It was a way to keep us out of getting too lost in depression, which is so easy to do. We are all eternal Spirit Souls. We are not the body... Peace...
I understand what you're going through. My mom passed last February (2016) and I still feel the pain. My mother and I were very close and I cared for her the last six years of her life. What you're going through right now is natural. It is a good idea to occupy yourself with distractions rather than brooding, but don't let anyone else tell you what you should or shouldn't do, how you should or shouldn't feel. This is your own journey and everyone is different. I went to a bereavement group for a while and this might help. But take your own time. There are some good YouTube videos on grieving you can watch, and I've tried meditation which I find helps a lot. But you'll always miss her - the pain, I'm told, will never go away forever. Personally, I don't want to "just get over it," I want her memory to be special. You may feel the same way or not, again, you'll find out what's comforting and what's not. Don't know if this helped at all, but remember there are people here who understand and care about what you're going through.
It has been almost nine years since my mother died, and almost twelve years since my father died. There is not one day that goes by that I do not miss them. I went to griefshare after my mother died; my sister and her family moved in with me; we sold the house we lived in and got our own apartments the following year; we were both in the same complex but right around the corner from one another. I now live in a complex in another town in the state I live in; I am looking into going into senior subsidized housing; my sister is now living in another state.
When my mom passed away even though I had other family and friends who were a great support, I found journaling helped me the most. As a caregiver, I really didn't have time to sit and ponder about my everyday experience, I had to be on point to make sure I had all the bases covered whether it was appointments, medications etc. But in journaling my grief, I found I was able to express my feelings about the sad and the happy times and remember little things that seemed unimportant. While journaling may not be for everyone, I found it allowed me to reflect back on the memories of helping her thru the most difficult time in her life. Globee
After 3 years I still miss my mom every day, and the longing for her will never leave me. But what helps a little is to bring her with me whenever I think of it. She loved to garden, so when I'm in my garden I'll say "Mom, look at that lettuce coming up!" Or in her voice I'll say, "Oooh! There's an excellent worm" when I see one of those critters, and it makes me feel that she's there with me. Who knows, maybe she is and maybe she enjoys these interactions.
In any case, your mom will always be alive in your heart. No substitute for the real thing but comforting to remember.
My mother prepared me for her death by finding a place where I could "visit" with her. I didn't cry at her funeral because I had to take care of Dad. Still taking care of Dad, who will pass someday and it scares me to think I will be an orphan. But I honestly believe that we are all on a journey and I will end up with them at the end of it. When you lose a loved one, you have to find the new normal to cope. I didn't understand why the world didn't come to a halt when she died because my world did. Give yourself time to grieve and accept; we used to automatically give people a year to mourn.
I know what you are going thru. She was 90 but ran around like she was 60. I saw her in NJ for her 90th birthday and when I got back to Florida 3 days later she was gone. I went to grief counseling where I was with people who were suffering loss. Now every once in awhile I wonder where she is. The hurt never goes away but you just don't dwell on it.
Hi...I wanted to add to something I posted to you. You asked for suggestions on how to deal with your loss...
I did a few things. I wrote to my mom. I started a journal after she passed...so I could "talk" to her...tell her all the things I felt and how much I missed her...thought of her. This way, I didn't have to go "cold turkey." I was still able to speak to her instead of keeping it bottled up in my head. I did so for quite a while and then I put the journal away. If I feel the need to write in it again it's there...but I can't read it because it just breaks my heart. But it DID help while I was doing it.
I also made a scrapbook of her things. Notes, birthday cards, shopping lists, anything she had written down and I could SEE her writing...the tangible proof that she had been there. Dunno...just helped to not discard everything. Now, cute little reminders are neatly tucked in my scrapbook and THAT I can look at and smile...
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Touching story, about your life...
Whether in caps or regular, it is an encouragement for others!
How I dealt with my grief then was to have conversations (in my head) with my Dad about whatever problem I was dealing with. Those conversations were very important! I could tell him anything - sort of talk it out. I knew he would understand. Those private conversations gave me strength and eventually insight to accept the reality. By the way I still have conversations with him privately. It gave me comfort and somewhere to turn - it also allowed me to vent and of course the next conversation I told him how I had solved the problem. I think I was looking for (love of course) but mostly a chance to feel I had someone in my corner. My Dad and I are still friends and I do communicate with him when I have some kind of problem. It gave me the courage to carry on - it still does. Having someone that you had a close relationship with and then loosing them is leaving you (like half a person). I was very honest with my Dad (still am) and I know he is proud of who I have become and the 3 sons I raised. So, my Dad helped me from the deep love and faith I had in him to have to same faith and belief in myself. I think they call that feeling courage. Everyone needs someone who cares about them. I had my Dad.
ROSEPETAL does post in all caps for a reason, she is not yelling.
Her Birthday is soon, in November.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSEPETAL!
My fiirst clue....her screen name is in all caps. But I have not yet read her post to which you referenced yet. Maybe trolls do take over our posts if we are gone for awhile?
A computer gremlin----that must be what happens to my posts when I get grouchy and call some poor caregiver out.
Maybe Rose has a visual impairment and finds it hard to see lower case? I believe there is a function to make the font size larger on the site, though, isn't there? - just don't ask me how to do it... :/
Take the caps lock off
SHE MAY NOT BE PHYSICALLY HERE BUT SHE WILL ALWAYS BE IN YOUR HEART. THAT IS A GOOD THING! MY FATHER DIED AT AGE 32 - WHEN I WAS 8. I STILL MISS HIM AND I AM 79 YRS OLD. HOWEVER, WHEN I WAS A CHILD I WOULD HAVE PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULD UNDERSTAND. HE WAS MY PRIVATE FRIEND WHEN I WAS 8 AND STILL IS AT AGE 79. HE IS PHYSICALLY GONE BUT I HAVE WONDERFUL MEMORIES AND INSTEAD OF MAKING ME SAD - THEY ARE COMFORTING TO ME. SOMEONE MAY BE PHYSICALLY GONE BUT THEY EXIST IN YOUR MIND. I THINK THAT IS CALLED TRUE LOVE! THERE ARE MANY PHASES' ONE GOES THRU WITH A LOSS OF A DEAR ONE. I WAS A CHILD AND I MADE MY DAD WHO DIED MY SECRET FRIEND. HE WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM - NOT PHYSICALLY BUT IN MY MIND - AS HE ALWAYS WAS THERE FOR ME PHYSICALLY WHEN HE WAS ALIVE. HE WAS AND IS MY HERO AND ALWAYS WILL BE. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS NO LONGER LIVING DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE GONE FROM YOUR LIFE. GOOD MEMORIES ARE WONDERFUL MEMORIES. SOMEDAY YOU AND I WILL CEASE TO EXIST AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS I HOPE I HAVE LEFT WONDERFUL MEMORIES TO MY CHILDREN (AS I HAVE OF MY FATHER) TO COMFORT THEM. IF I WAS NEAR YOU I WOULD GIVE YOU A HUG - MAKE YOU A CUP OF TEA AND SERVE SOMETHING SWEET TO EAT.
I CONSIDER MYSELF LUCKY TO HAVE HAD A MAN LIKE MY DAD IN MY LIFE. I ALWAYS TRIED TO MAKE HIM PROUD OF ME. SO, SOLDIER ON AND ONE DAY YOUR MEMORY WILL BRING YOU COMFORT INSTEAD OF PAIN. YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE LOVE TO REMEMBER HER BY.
HUGS,
ROSE PETAL
The grieving process is on going.. I just try to think of the good days and put the whole dementia/caregiver stuff behind..
Not being exhausted daily does put it all in perspective!
Took about a year to accept it. I cried a lot the first 6 months. I've cried many times during these past four years.
Now between 3-4 years I am more accepting of her being really gone. I have more "chuckle" moments when I talk to her in my head or yes sometimes out loud. "Chuckle" moments because my mom and I could make each other laugh about simple things every day.
I don't think about the last 18 months before she passed because that was such a stressful time for her, with one illness/episode after another. There were some rough times in those months and I am sure when she passed she was ok with going as her dementia got worse and she was having more regularly episodes of forgetting who my brother and I were. She was for awhile at the end a changed woman she wouldn't know. She was independent right up until about 2 years after she fell and broke her hip. She hated losing her independence.
You'll never get over losing your mom- its right up there with the most awful things we cope with during life.
You'll work through it and it's ok to think you won't right now as it's too fresh.
You too will remember your "chuckle" moments and find yourself giggling too, but it's normal for the first year to just really miss your mother badly. Like an ache that won't subside. It doesn't- takes a lot of time.
It's a hard time now, remember the good times as they get you through the bad.
Sorry for your loss.
My father died when I was in medical school, after a few months of serious illness. He was a difficult person, I was not so close to him, and I'd been living far from him for several years at that point. Still, I found his death terribly difficult and disorienting for quite some time. There is something really awful about the finality of death. The person will always live on in your heart and memory, but once he or she has died, you will never be able to see them or talk with them the way you once could. You are left with a hole in your universe that can never be quite filled or repaired. But as others have said, you eventually learn to live with it, though it can take a while.
I think one of the most important things is to realize that you aren't alone in this and that there are places, such as this forum, where you can bring up your feelings and get some support. Take care.
Sorry to go on like this; haven't done it for awhile. The classic advice is to not make major decisions for a year after a major loss; time and good people are the best medicine.
I really don't have any words of wisdom. Just sending you a "virtual" hug...
Regarding all of the psychological stuff you hear about the "stages of grief," I really never understood how that is helpful to the person experiencing the grief. There's no time period you must adhere to or expect. Just let it flow in whatever way you need it to.
One thing that helped me after my father passed a long time ago (when I was 30 years old) was that I made a conscious effort to share positive and humorous memories of him with my friends and family, as opposed to lingering in thoughts of him as he was during his illness. My brother and I tried to always recount some wonderful memory about our dad. It was a way to keep us out of getting too lost in depression, which is so easy to do.
We are all eternal Spirit Souls. We are not the body...
Peace...
While journaling may not be for everyone, I found it allowed me to reflect back on the memories of helping her thru the most difficult time in her life.
Globee
In any case, your mom will always be alive in your heart. No substitute for the real thing but comforting to remember.
I did a few things. I wrote to my mom. I started a journal after she passed...so I could "talk" to her...tell her all the things I felt and how much I missed her...thought of her. This way, I didn't have to go "cold turkey." I was still able to speak to her instead of keeping it bottled up in my head. I did so for quite a while and then I put the journal away. If I feel the need to write in it again it's there...but I can't read it because it just breaks my heart. But it DID help while I was doing it.
I also made a scrapbook of her things. Notes, birthday cards, shopping lists, anything she had written down and I could SEE her writing...the tangible proof that she had been there. Dunno...just helped to not discard everything. Now, cute little reminders are neatly tucked in my scrapbook and THAT I can look at and smile...