My husband passed away after a brief illness almost 8 months ago. I know that I was distracted for the first several months with a lot to do, and now that things have settled down, it's mentally more difficult. We were married for forty one years and our marriage bond was extremely solid, even though at that point we fought constantly and there couldn't be two more opposite people. He always had low level depression and was overweight pretty much since we met. He also had major positives that you rarely see in a person if ever. He was an extremely good provider and left me financially secure. There wasn't a stronger Christian that I know of, and was just fine going to Heaven. Is there any suggestion that I could keep in mind to do daily so when I do become extremely sad and not caring about much, would help? Thinking about him makes it worse and my Dr prescribed something already when he was in hospice that I still take.
You've lost your husband of 41 years. That grief cannot be rushed, but must be felt if you're wanting to be whole again.
I would recommend joining a grief support group like Grief Share or the like. You can Google to see if there are groups in your area. Since your husband was under hospice care they too offer grief counseling for a year at no charge.
I also recommend the book Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief, by Martha Whitmore Hickman.
It's a book that takes you through grief one day at a time, which to me as a widow as well was very helpful as I knew my grief couldn't and shouldn't be rushed.
My husband of 26 years died in Sept. 2020, and I read that book daily for over 2 years. It wasn't until this January that I felt I no longer needed to.
I still miss my husband every day, and there are days I still get teary eyed talking about him, but life does go on and things do get easier.
But you must give yourself time and allow yourself to feel the loss. I'm a firm believer in when a moment of sadness hits you to just sit in it and feel it. There's something very freeing and healing in doing that.
I think it's when we try to rush the process and try to push down our feelings or hide them that we actually prolong the grieving process and hurt ourselves in the process.
So take your time, cry when you need/want to and know that in time things will start to look and feel a little better.
God bless you my dear.
Please know that 8 months is not very long. Of course the grief is overwhelming. You can’t help but think about him. It’s ok to just grieve.
You said that you were busy the first few months, but now things have quieted down, you feel the loss even more. So when you are ready, busy yourself with stuff. Whether it’s volunteering, hobbies, working, travel whatever. Find things you enjoy and busy yourself. Again, it’s ok to grieve…sometimes you will find it easier to just cry it out. That’s ok too.
Get your support system in order. Do you have family, kids or friends to spend time with? Even if it’s online. In addition, join a grief support group, whether in person, online or both. That will also help.
Your husband loved you and you are financially taken care of. Your husband wouldn’t want you to just succumb to grief. He’d want you to enjoy your life and honor his memory by living a full and happy life. Be grateful for the time you had with such a good man.
Gratitude itself is very healing. Think of things to be grateful for each day, whether it’s the marriage you had or something as small as a pleasant spring day. It sounds corny, but it’s true. Gratitude helps.
Wishing you love, peace and happiness.
Sometimes the second year is even more intense than the first year b/c your are less likely to be protected by "brain fog." But it will become less constant. The more you tell your story (maybe at a grief support group?) or write down how you feel on any given day, the more space will begin to appear between bouts of grief and despair.
Do not try to convince yourself or let anyone tell you "you should be over it." Take all the time you need and do not hide from how you really feel.
I lost my husband to ALS 5 years ago in June. He was only 50 when diagnosed and died at 54. I grieved hard during that 4 year period for all his loses and for what I knew would be the end of us, a 22 year relationship as good as they come. He was my perfect life partner. I thought that once he finally died I would be lost. But oddly, while I felt sad, I mostly felt relief. Relief for him that he was not longer suffering. Relief for me that I could get out from under the crushing emotional pain of watching him die. And relief for his family that were my partners in his care, especially is 82 year old mother who was in such mental distress watching her son die that we were afraid we would lose her before he passed. For the first 3 years after he passed I felt pretty good, sad at times, but much less so than when he was alive. Then WHAM, it all came back and I was grieving hard again for a while. Now I’m okay again.
This is grief. But I promise you it will get better. It will always be there, but it gets easier.
The reason I bring this up is that it is worth discussing this medication now with your doctor. Some anti-anxiety medications cause depression as a side effect, and this could be contributing to your sadness.
Other than to say that, and that I am so very sorry for this loss for you, I will say that you are still honestly, for the first year at least dealing with the newness of loss. You are absolutely correct that the having to do so many things is protective in many ways in the beginnings of grief.
You are so very realistic about all you shared, about the relationship challenges that any and every marriage has. I believe it will take a good deal of time, and meanwhile I believe you will change to more celebrate what you had, and will slowly branch out to make a new life for yourself. But if I am wrong do consider seeing someone to help you through grief-work. Sometime Licensed Social Workers in private counseling work are best at this, as they do life transitions work.
I surely do wish you the best.
You may have a fair amount of guilt that you need to accept, especially if he was sick for a long time. Who among us was a perfect partner? We all had times that we said things we would regret but this is part of a relationship.
I miss the unique person he was and that hasn't eased.
Whatever you do, do it with purpose so that you don't get stuck in misery. Your husband has moved on and so should you. Perhaps start with a vacation with a friend or relative or seek out vacations for single seniors. If you have a special talent, get out and share it, you will change your life and see the hope you can bring to others. If your home makes you sad, please consider a move.
I wanted to respond about grief from losing a loved one. I lost a son at 9 months, just beginning to walk and I was still nursing. I lost a husband of 11 years due to a massive stoke. I don't know how I got through but remember reading books on the stages of grief. One goes through different stages at different times and it can last 6 years or more. It helped me to join a grief support group where I could hear how others felt. It helped to read the books as well as talking with others who lost a loved one. It helped to have an dog or cat to take care. It helped to get out of the house, exercise and join clubs.
There is no magic bullet to make the pain go away. It helps to journal and have a daily saying or positive affirmation. Such as "all I need and more will come to me at the right time and place. Most of all, it helped to help others. There are so many others in a worse place, volunteering helps. However, don't push yourself. Know that your loved one is with you in spirit and truly wants you to be happy.
My experience with grief is that there are times it is worse and times it is easier. 3 months after, 6 months and especially 9 months are hard The one year and so on. Special days are triggers - birthdays, anniversaries, holidays are tough. I see you are coming up for 9 months after and I have found that the pain is very raw at 9 months.
It is important to express your grief - tears, journaling, talking with others, finding ways to honour your grief and the one you lost. Some buy a special candle and burn it at times when grief is hard, some play meaningful music, some create a collage representing what's on their mind. Some pant a tree in memory or create a special place win their garden. Going to a grief group can help too.
Coming here and sharing with us is good as well. A little exercise - a walk for example can help when you are feeling down, a cup if your favourite coffee or tea, a hot bubble bath or some other treat can get you through those difficult times. Don't be afraid to cry. It feels bad to begin with and like you will never stop, but you will and it is healing. (((((((hugs))))))
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