Has anyone found a devastating secret from elderly parents concerning finances?
Since my mom broke her hip and is in assisted living my dad wants to pare down the house since she is an organized hoarder and is very difficult to deal with when getting rid of anything. Their safe is on the floor and hard for them to access so I got them a portable one that can be put in a drawer or storage chest. My dad gave me a bagful of paperwork to be shredded which I took home since it was easier for me. Knowing mom’s history of hiding things I went through everything to make sure I wasn’t throwing away anything important. Bad idea. I came across various paperwork that proved my sister’s and my suspicions. Over time they have given my brother close to 200,000 with instructions not to “ tell the girls.” We never imagined it totaled that large amount of money. We are crushed. In addition, my sister and I have been helping them so they can stay in their home. My brother does NOTHING.....other than to load up his trucks with things that he wants. My parents estate is not huge, but comfortable. However, it will only last a couple years should long term care become necessary. They are 89 and 90. Ironically I have POA.
Question is should we approach them or let it be? Damage has been done but it truly hurts to know one child is so favored. He had a good job and his wife worked, just had a bad habit of living above his means. Yet me and my sister will be the caregivers moving forward. I’m not sure if I will be able to put this aside and pretend as if nothing happened. Has anyone else experienced favoritism and how did you deal with it?
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I'm not sure I understand why, if your parents are well off enough to be able to give your brother 6 figure gifts, you are contemplating becoming unpaid hands on caregivers. There is clearly enough money to fund private care. Believe me, you'll be busy enough "managing" their care.
I know there are some folks who will say that this is heartless or mercenary way of looking at things. I would caution you that when you are knee deep in excrement, your resentment of your brother's 200K and your parents' betrayal is going to rankle in a way that is not good for the heart or the soul.
My OB was/is my mothers favorite. When my dad passed away (2014) and I moved in (a few yrs later) with her to help her with the house and I also realize that something was not right with her. I found out that she wasn't paying most of the house bills, plus, she was 2.5 yrs behind on the taxes on the house. If that wasn't bad enough she racked up huge amount in credit cards all for the love of my brother. He doesn't work because he is disabled, but I notice that he was wearing 300.00 dollar shoes that she bought. She was spending money she didn't have and here is the cherry on the cake...he was taking my dads tools among other things and pawning them. My mother almost loss the house and my wonderful brother thinks it is my fault. I finally told my brother he was not welcome at the house anymore.
Here is the thing...You can't win. If you and sis attack parents about what they (your parents) gave your OB they will get defensive and I am afraid that it will cause hard feelings all round. However, if you bring it up as a "matter of fact" about what is their financial plan for long term care you "might" get some answers, but I must warn you--you may not like what you hear.
You have to ask yourself what is your objective in telling your parents that you know about them giving your OB that money? What is your end game? I am not sure if it will help you or them! Your parents will just probably make up excuses or tell you that it is none of your business. And I hate to say it, but it is their money and they can do what they want to with it, on the other hand, you have the right to let them deal with the consequences as well!
It totally sucks to be the responsible and caregiver child and to never be appreciated and it never fails that our parents look to us to save them not the one they favour:(
I love your answer!
What about YOUR lens? Does YOUR lens matter here? Have you ever told your mom "No, I can't possibly do that."?
It's called setting boundaries. It's healthy for everyone.
My story is somewhat complicated. The will stated that my brother was to receive my dad's share of the family business (worth millions) and I got the house. Well the business started going down and the real estate started going up. So they downsized from this house to use the funds to help the business. Eventually my parents moved in with my family and had no house because it went into the business. Then I found out after I had been caring for them for years, that they did indeed give my brother what was left of the business and since there was no house, I got nothing.
Do what do I do now? My brother walked away with a small fortune and I got zero.
I had to weigh things and went through a myriad of feelings of anger, jealousy, hurts and abandonment. But I had to look at my life compared to my brother and that's where I took solace.
I started to count my blessings instead of focusing on the unfairness. That took years, but it eventually was settled in my heart. I am grateful for the life I have.
There's so much back story on what motivated my dad to do this and it eventually unfolded over the years. My brother was threatening him and before my dad died, he showed me the emails. It turns out my brother was unstable due to heavy drug use....someone who threw his dream life away, playing golf every weekend in Carmel, driving luxury cars, living in a sprawling ocean view home, kids in private school....to losing it all to drug addiction (both he and his wife) and doing time for dealing.
He eventually took his own life.
After his death. I got a call from my nephew. He told me that his dad (my brother) said that there was a life insurance policy for $650k on my dad which was to go to my brother and his family. I guess my brother coerced my dad into this. I found out that as dad approached 80, he could not keep up with the payments and let it go, but didn't tell my brother. I told my nephew that I didn't know of any policy and that there was no more money coming from grandpa....sorry.
Its been 10 years since his death and my dad died a year after my brother. I care for my mom now. I have the most amazing husband, children and grandchildren. Money is ebb and flow. We struggle financially, but we are content and I would not trade that for a million dollars.
I am rejoicing that you received true riches in this world.
Thank you for sharing your story, it helps to know that money can lead to total destruction.
You need to start charging dad (he is as responsible for the gifts as her) and mommy dearest for your expenses on their behalf. Obviously they have some money or they could not have given your brother 200k.
Or did he take their entire retirement?
You will feel less resentful if helping them isn't costing you cold hard cash, just saying.
Mother adored my OB, although he was a waste of space, if you ask me. He wanted for nothing. He didn't have to help out at the house with housework and yardwork b/c he was "a genius" and needed his study time.
He talked my folks into 2nd mortgaging their home to help him start a business which failed epically and quickly. We didn't realize how much he'd taken until it came time to sell the house and holy moly--they should have walked away with $250K and all they got was about $50K. The rest of us sibs have had to step up and help them out from time to time.
I get your anger. TOTALLY OK to feel that way. For me, the part about "don't tell the girls" is the most hurtful.
We did confront mother and dad...simply b/c there was not the money there to pay for the addition to brother's house to add an apartment. The rest of us sibs had to pitch in all the time to help out. YB almost lost his home.
Only you can decide how to approach this. Are mom and dad mentally OK? IF so, then get together (strength in numbers!) and have a frank talk with the folks. They need to STOP the bleed immediately. And brother needs to know. I hope he isn't their POA...
Was this money a GIFT or a LOAN? What do you hope to achieve by airing this dirty laundry? We all pretty much wrote OB off--he was so crazy along with being a mooch. I hadn't talked to him for 12 years when he died. He was not welcome at family parties and not welcome in our homes (he actually would got through our drawers and such, looking for things he could pawn.)
If this money is needed for mom & dad's care, then you probably should consult with an attorney. Honestly, I imagine mom and dad are going to say it was a gift and nothing can be done.
Your brother sounds like a jerk, put mildly.
Same here. Older brother had serious issues. My mom had a soft spot for him till he died. He hurt all of us yet mom constantly defended him. You are correct in saying the anger is natural. I think my dad would have reacted totally different if my mom would have backed him up, but she wouldn’t. He wanted to please mom even if it went against his wishes. I always wished he would have stood up to mom.
Anyway. If you have POA does it include financial POA. If not get and if so use it
have cheques books and any withdrawals I two signatures. No ATM. Card
keep everthing to do with any money they gave to him or goods bought for him
make a spreadsheet containing all information like dates. Amounts receipts descriptions and such to produce when the will is read and request part if not all the money be deducted from his share
once the new banking arrangements are in place inform your brother he won’t be getting another dime
You do not HAVE to care for your mentally ill mother in her home. You can talk to the discharge planning people and tell them that there is no one but your poor old dad to care for mom at home and THAT clearly is NOT enough care.
You do not have to give up your life to care for your mom in her home. Look, I loved my mom, she wasn't mentally ill and didn't distribute funds unfairly to my siblings. There is still no way on earth that I would have abandoned my life to move in with her and provide hands one care. Because it wouldn't have been good enough care. She needed and deserved professional care.
Think this out carefully.
People that do the things he has done, don't care about anyone but themselves and their latest flavor of the month.
Mother had told me over and over to go ahead and read her will, I could not have cared less, since she has literally nothing, thanks to OB ripping her off.
One day I was at her place to pick her up for something and I had about an hour to wait, so I thought "fine, I'll read the will."
Boring as all get out, BUT even tho OB had stolen from her and daddy for years, he still stood to inherit 1/6th of the "estate". Whatever. THEN I find a handwritten paper and written on it is the statement "B owes the trust $1500. R owes the trust $6000". Bear in mind that R almost LOST HIS HOME b/c of the expenses incurred that dad and mother should have paid for the addition--and I have no clue WHAT I did that makes them think I owe them $1500.
I don't think R knows about this and I am not going to tell him.
Called my son (an attorney) and he let me know this is not legal, so it doesn't stand, and it's what they call, for lack of better wording is a posthumous "FU". VERY hurtful and mean. All I have ever done is take care of my folks--and when dad was in Hospice, I was the only sib, along with YB who even helped out.
Yeah--families and money. What a mess.
I can't help but feel mother wanted me to see that "document" and then argue with her about it. I felt like writing a check for $1500 and attaching it to the paper, and someday maybe I will.
If YB knew this existed, tho it's not legal----he'd lose his mind.
People need to think ahead and realize that sometimes their whole lives "remembrances" will come down to a sad feeling that you were not good enough for them. I'll never know what I did to incur the debt. I DO know I have paid out far more than that towards her care over 22 years.