My mother looks forward to our daily visits and cherishes me as a friend. One of the times in the past year that I told her I was her daughter and showed her pictures, etc., resulted in her being very angry and accusing me of wanting something from her (she has no assets) and thinking I was accusing her of having a child outside of wedlock. Another time, she cried and thought that she had abandoned me when I was a baby. Sometimes she talks about her daughter (me) and marvels at how much we have in common and wonders what she could have done to cause her daughter (me) to never visit.
That sentence is beautiful.
It may seem like little consolation when your mom is mentally declining, but you are SO lucky.
You are lucky that your mom has positive feelings toward you. You are lucky that you can visit her daily. You are lucky to be friends. Dementia and Covid have robbed so many of these gifts.
I know it hurts that she doesn’t recall your important role and relationship. It would be comforting if you could talk about the past. Sometimes it feels empty being the sole keeper of the memories.
Try your best to focus on the now. Try your best to keep the conversations positive and light - to avoid stifling or confusing her through correction. Criticism can be silencing. Let your visits bring her happiness and warmth, leave her feeling secure and as competent as possible. She will end her day a little more emotionally comfortable.
What about your emotional health? Allow yourself to be sad. Try to express your feelings of sadness and anger at times when you are not with her.
Don’t forget to take good care of yourself. Spend time with others in your life that you can discuss the past with. Revive relationships with old friends and family members you haven’t seen. Treat yourself when you are feeling sad. This is not easy.
Love her for who she is right now. Forgive her for forgetting.
The best thing I have ever heard for how to deal with this came from a cousin who lost a parent to Alzheimer's:
“She may not know who I am, but I know who she is.” Love remembers.
I learned at 10 years old that you can only worry about the loved one being happy to see you, regardless of who they think you are. Them feeling your love towards them and them being happy that you are there is as good as it gets with dementia.
Their self-image changes as well. Looking at a pic staff had taken of her, me and my daughter together, she asked who those "girls" were and then pointing to her own image, asked if that was Nana, aka her own mother (9 months after moving to MC, she started asking about and for her mother, gone 40+ years before!)
Up until the end, my mother still knew who I was. Although she was living her life from 40+ years ago (it was other discussions, not just her mother, that enabled me to know "when" she was living!), I would have been an adult at that time, albeit a bit younger. Even with the lockdown, she still knew who I was. A staff member took a pic when I was delivering supplies and showed it to mom. She asked why I didn't come in, didn't I want to see her? That was heartbreaking. Be happy that you CAN visit and that she cherishes your visits!
You can, as Margaret suggested, try making excuses for your "friend", mom's daughter, and ask about specific fun times/things you remember from long ago. You can say her daughter told you about these incidents and had fun talking about it, but you wanted to hear mom's side of the story!
The good news is that you KNOW your mom loves you, since she wants so bad to see you! Live vicariously through the "friend" that you have become.
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