My mom lives in southern CA with my stepdad. Mom has moderate Parkinsonism but is in good mental health. She is a sweetheart. Stepdad has a variety of serious ailments, including severe COPD. They will be moving into a lovely AL apartment soon.
I am wondering if Stepdad passes first, if one of her children might choose to live with Mom in an Independent Living apartment, paying the "extra person" fee. He or she could help Mom with primary care and use paid caregivers for certain tasks and respite. The siblings could swap out for a couple of weeks or a couple of months. This would enable Mom financially to stay in the community after Stepdad passes and give the sibling a very nice place to live and eat while enjoying the gorgeous weather and use of Mom's vehicle.
Has anyone had experience with such an arrangement or know someone who has?
Maybe have them get situated where they will receive the most visitors on a regular basis. Then mom will have the community to help her when she is widowed.
Not doing this in California will make the financial resources go much further as well.
Best of luck finding the solution that works for everyone involved. Getting old is not for sissies, but beats the alternative.
That may explain some of the responses you've gotten ... including from me. Forward-thinking is so rare (albeit refreshing) that we may have trouble recognizing it when we see it!
That sibling would be making an extreme sacrifice of whatever life of their own that they have. Where would sibling live if mom needed to move somewhere else for more assistance? Or something happened to mom?
Better if mom's living where she can get 24/7 help and transition to more help easily than moving. If finances are an issue, maybe mom can live in a smaller AL apt. If mom can't drive and sibling needs car, maybe car can be given to sibling or sold for small amount if needed for mom's financial needs.
It all sounds good, but the reality is normally a completely different story. If your mother likes AL living, leave well enough alone and let her be. Allow everyone to have their OWN lives, their OWN living spaces, their OWN friends and meals of their OWN choosing.
Just my 2 cents worth.
Please don’t remove her from a professional staff with the idea that you will be able to provide the same care. Especially when you say you can rotate caregivers with your siblings. Siblings will promise the sun and the moon and back out of promises. Stick with reliable paid professional caregivers.
You and mom will have peace of mind. You can visit. Her home is not a timeshare for family. It is healthcare for her.
Some of the responses on this thread seem to indicate that we intend to snatch Mom out of the loving arms of dedicated caregivers for our own selfish purposes. All of Mom's children absolutely want what is best for her. The idea of staying with her in IL isn't a plan, it's just speculation. That's why I put it out on this forum, to ask if anyone else has done this. So far, there have been no responses for anyone who has, although a few people have mentioned that they have considered doing the same.
One thing I guess I should have clarified earlier is that Mom may be a very pleasant person but she is no pushover. Her mind is good and, with the exception of decisions she makes with my stepfather, she certainly can make up her own mind. And that is certainly the way her children want it.
I know when my Dad had private caregivers taking care of him in Independent Living, even through they were from a professional Agency, they were required to have their flu shots, TB testing, etc. and such proof needed to be given to Admin. Thus, I wouldn't be surprised if the facility would require the same from one of grown children living with Mom if that plan was put into place.
Swapping out isn't the best idea, as I know my Dad's Independent Living prefer the same caregiver be there on a regular schedule. The reason was not to make the other residents anxious thus reporting a stranger in the building.
I am no longer mom’s caregiver. I do have empathy for anyone struggling with this awful neurological disease.
I just want to say visiting someone and living with someone is a totally different dynamic. With visiting you can walk away from the stress and happily return to your own home. With living with someone, that is your home and you are stuck. So if conflicts arise where will you go?
It may sound ideal to you. It isn’t as ideal as you think. Too much togetherness causes friction. You’re inviting codependency. You no longer have your own privacy and so forth.
There are leases and stipulations. I am not even sure this would be allowed. Have you looked at this from a legal standpoint as well?
Best wishes to you and your family.
I still think the idea *could* work but it would need a lot of careful, detailed and above all realistic thought; and it would depend too on the age and preferences of the sibling. But if this is to be the sibling's home, the idea of swapping out for a couple of months doesn't quite add up. The sibling isn't staying there, s/he is living there.
And it may very well be that Mom would, indeed, be better suited to stay in AL. I just hate to think of her being across the country without family around. She loves her children and misses them terribly, being so far away.
IL does have an age limit. Probably 55 and up. A family member may be able to live with them if they are providing care. That you would have to research. IL do not take Medicaid. ALs may after private paying for at least 2 yrs. in the same facility. (In my state)
I agree, why would you take Mom out of an AL that can provide some level of care. Also, she has made friends and there are activities. She is fed 3x a day. An IL is just that, your independent. Services like transportation and some activities are provided and meals. Other than that you are on your own. You have to do EVERYTHING for yourself.
Parkinson's is different with everyone. Some its a slow progression, others its constant. Dementia goes hand in hand with it. Your Mom may end up in a wheelchair. If Dementia sets in, thats a whole other series of problems. Dementia is not that little old lady sitting looking out at in the distance. Weird behaviours are involved. If you end up being a 24/7 caregiver, you have to give up your life. Can't leave Mom alone. You don't work, so can't afford someone to sit with her. And if you do work, you have to pay someone to care for Mom and that could cost maybe $150 a day. Then its depending on someone to show up. And don't depend or assume others are going to step up to the plate. And then there is Mom, what are her plans?
This is just a thought, not an actual plan. I am surprised by the reactions on this thread. I really did think it would be a good idea to have Mom's children overseeing her welfare. We are all too far away to watch out for her otherwise. I've read that not all caregivers are as attentive as we might hope, and that there tends to be a great deal of turnover in that occupation.
As for Mom's plans, she very much wants to be near her children. She said she would be willing to move to an AL in Arkansas to be near me if Stepdad passes before she does. But by then, Mom might not be well enough to travel. We'll see.
You say they are moving into Assisted Living soon but then you plan on moving in with mom to Independent Living when her husband dies.
Why would you move her from AL where she knows people and staff and is used to the help to another area where she will depend on you for help. I can only imagine that will get tiresome for you fast. Independent Living is just that and staff is not permitted to help in any way so it would be just you. And I do not know your age but most IL do have a lower age restriction (usually 55).
I think once a paid caregiver is coming in to help out the facility will strongly advise moving to AL rather than remain in IL.
I also think this verges on "using" mom as a timeshare hotel or an Air B&B.
If he passes, it's expected that Mom will be able to move up to IL.
(My FIL is in a community where there is no need to change rooms; IL and AL rooms are the same. They simply add fees for more services. That was the plan for MIL and FIL. Sadly, and fairly unexpectedly, she passed very recently. My FIL may eventually need to move to Memory Care in the same facility, and that is in a different wing.)
From what I've read, we have no way of knowing what Mom's wishes might be ... but the IL room would be in the same community, so she could continue with her social life and activities.
Thaaat said ... am unclear as to why one of her children would need to reside with her ... unless, perhaps, one child has a housing problem of their own. Child moving into the facility (assuming it's even allowed, which is doubtful) would not seem to be a great solution for such an issue.
so, how would you justify trying to live there too?
it really isn’t like living in a condo or a single family house. The AL sets the rules.
even in a regular apartment or condo you would have to get a caregiver waiver to live there too. And remember, you are not a tenant...so, when Mom dies you are immediately required to make a plan leave within the month ( after all, you are just that persons employee by definition).
The director of one of the Independent Living communities I visited said that they do not have assisted living but that many of their residents get extra care from outside caregivers. It seems sensible to me for a family member (we are all over 65) to reside with mom with extra help as needed. I've read online that having family involved tends to result in a higher level of care than when the staff knows no one is looking in on the resident. Since Mom lives across the country from all of her children, none of us can be there to check in on her except for brief yearly visits.
As it turns out, Mom will be moving into a community that has both Independent and Assisted Living. So Mom could conceivably make the move from AL with Stepdad to IL with one of her children, should he pass first. She would not have to leave any friends she has made there. And should she need to return to AL or pass away, my sis or bro could just move back to Louisiana with short notice.
Most AL facilities do not even encourage family members to visit everyday or hover over the patients, too much interference is not good for the patient.