Glad to have found this forum. I currently have a situation where my disabled, chronically ill mother (67) is declining into dementia or Alzheimer’s (though doctor’s have not formally said this yet—I see it coming). She took a fall in her apt and after 8 days in the hospital, she was taken to an SNF for therapy for being fall risk and the doc not wanting to send her home on her own. She only gives one word responses but can still read and eat, walk on her own sometimes. She is incontinent sometimes and wears adult diapers. I ultimately will NOT want guardianship over her once and if she is deemed unable to make her own decisions. She has Medicare and Medicaid. The doctors did mention she may have to go to assisted living. I also found out 6 months ago (and noticed her declining cognition) she was abusing her pain medication (oxy based) and she was not going to doc appts. She seemed to give up taking care of herself and if I suggested anything she told me to “mind my own business”.
Our backstory is I was extremely parentified by my mother who was an alcoholic and has had Dysfunctional issues all my life. She no longer drinks, but has abused drugs in the past. She also enables a sibling who abuses drugs and they are both triangulated in drama constantly with their older sibling.
I was ultimately raised by other family members who were functional and I left my hometown and made a life for myself in the military. I came back to my hometown eventually, but 10 years ago I TOTALLY cut ties and set boundaries with my Dysfunctional family of origin, including my mother who, despite my continued efforts to assist her in constructive ways, continued to be in triangulation, enmeshment and dysfunctional family trauma and generally make bad decisions.
I, at age 51, have no available resources or willingness as her only child (daughter) to be her guardian or burden/expose my own family with her issues and at present I have NO POAs etc. Before she fell ill, I was planning on relocating with my family for new opportunity and still plan on doing so. Has anyone ever just let the social workers in the SNF take over and have a parent become a ward of the state? After decades of trying to help my mother I am resentful and burnt out emotionally and mentally. I have nothing left to give her except to let the state take care of her and get her the help she needs.
Thanks in advance for any responses.
We allowed the state of MN to take guardianship over my StepFIL because he blew thru 3 inheritances but never really worked, borrowed money from family but never paid it back and when old and broke and sick would not give anyone PoA or apply for Medicaid. He was never a true, loving participant in our family. He became ill with Parkinsons, and at 6'5" expected us to take full care of him, including to send my husband and 2 of my teenage sons to go pick him up off the floor at midnight during the school/work week. We did that once and that was the last time we did it. Nope. Not gonna happen on my watch. We reported him to social services as a vulnerable adult so that he got on their radar. We allowed them to take guardianship over him. So we knew he'd be in a facility and we would have no say in any of his care after that. We brought my MIL to visit him, which was a huge undertaking since she also was in a facility and had no money (thanks to him) and was wheelchair-bound, overweight, etc. so had to hire a medical van just to get her there. Eventually he passed and the state cremated him and wanted to know what to do with his ashes. And that was it.
If your "mother" doesn't give you or anyone PoA, this is what will happen anyway, so just let it. Right now if she's still in the hospital they probably have a social worker assigned to her so call and see if you can talk to that person to get the state guardianship ball rolling. It took me a while to get over the fact that StepFI died a sad, lonely person but we gave him every opportunity to not have it go that way. He just wouldn't cooperate and he exhausted us. You have a conscience so I totally understand that you still do care about what happens to your mother even though she didn't care what happened to you. No judgment regarding that. Wishing you peace in your heart!
My mom was a mom not just an egg donor but I went through hell and high water trying to get her and dad to get help. No way, no how, ain’t gonna.....I called APS and alerted them that I could do nothing more. They told me to call back if I had an emergency.
Allow the state to take control.
Ultimately, she will actually get better care because there won't be the emotional enmeshment issues she has with you. Even with guardianship, she STILL will tell you to mind your own business.
Over the years my brother and I have talked and talked and tried everything to get her to move...Nope....everything we suggest is subject to a quick response of No.
So, now, we wait, until the inevitable happens, then we will step in.
If you do not want to be her POA or guardian, don't do it, let the state handle her. She could live another 20+ years...my mother is 94...so, it can happen and you will be miserable trying to deal with her.
Sending support your way!