Hi all. Has anyone separated from their spouse in need of some caregiving? I have a spouse with a TBI following a brain tumour resection and I feel like I am living a nightmare day in and out. I am in my early 30s and life is slipping me by. I have panic attacks daily and don’t know how I am going to continue doing this. Going on three years. Juggling a corporate career and so unhappy with my personal life, I just don’t know what to do. I feel it’s not sustainable. Thanks so much for your inputs. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I have seen two people go through this. The first friend has a wife and two young sons, was vacationing in Tahoe, she awakened and said she was going for a before breakfast walk on the shore and didn't return. She had fallen from a cliff into the water, and what was saved was someone in a vegetative (for want of a better term and so all know what I mean) state for MANY years and until her death. He had two young sons to raise, and honestly no wife, and money disappearing like wildfire. The second, a woman friend whose hubby ended up much like yours from motorcycle accident. It was a few years before each realized that their spouses were simply not there. They separated, divorced actually, so that there were separated finances, and money to raise the sons in the first case, and because she was young, newly married in the second, and her husband was living, though gone. For me, this would not be sustainable. You will be judged harshly. There will be many who will say it was "for better for worse". For me that is not the case. I would hope my husband would leave and make a life. It is something we have talked about, but we are together many years, and have had time to discuss many things. I think this is a decision only you can make. I think that whatever decision you DO make will leave you a world of pain to live through, but I think that only one decision will give you a life to live after the pain. As I said, I don't know his current state nor his prognosis. I am assuming that your separation would be something he doesn't even know of. So incredibly sorry for what you are going through. I have seen people go through it and it is devastating. My friend in the first instance divorced, eventually met a wonderful woman, his boys are raised and one works with him. He travels the world and lives a full life and takes nothing for granted. For our fragile selves, this can happen in an instant.
Explore all your options, including if he has parents who can take over a guardianship or conservators, and care for their son.
Since your panic attacks are also disabling you, here is a married couple requiring more care than can be realistically provided by each other. Get him that care, maybe in a LTC facility specializing in TBI.
Once you are living separately and each of you has the care you need, whether you divorce or not is your choice. Get wise counsel first.
Hope that is somewhere you can start with a plan.
However, more important at the moment, is to realize that if you have an emotional breakdown you will be unable to care for you husband, at least for awhile...There will be no warning or time to get ready...Someone will pick up the problems and handle them without any effort on your part as you would be incapacitated. I urge you to get some way to have some time off, if not for a number of weeks at a time, at least two or three days a week....You may want to consider talking to your clergy man/woman, counselor, etc. It may cost a lot, but do it anyway.
Once your mind and body has at least some relief on a predictable basis, you can deal with the ethical and moral issues, but if you crack up emotionally, it is going to be messier...
In my case I cared for my paralyzed wife, who was unable to speak, could not stand or walk and had to be spoon fed for two years at home, then I had a heart attack, then for ten more years she as at a nursing home and I visited her twice daily and also hired paid ladies to help her with her evening meal and visit. We spent well over a half million dollars on her nursing home care. I was away from town only about 20 nights in all those 12 years....I consider it the most important accomplishment of my life....I do not say you should feel likewise, but my heart attack made it impossible for me to care for her at home any longer...
May God bless you as you labor through these difficult times...
Grace + Peace,
Bob
PS The missus died in 2017 and in April 2019 I married a remarkable widow and we are living the "happily ever after" lifestyle together.
Yes, for better or worse but your worse came before the marriage got off its feet.
I think its time to talk to a lawyer. There are options out there. Your worse, it seems, will never get better. No light as the end of the tunnel. You really deserve more at your age. You need to find out what your options are. Even if divorced, will u have some financial responsibility? Does he have family that can step up? No, there will be people who won't like what you do but your physical and mental state are involved plus you ability to hold down a good job. Really, u have never had a marriage.
By the way, this is coming from a 69 yr old who has been married for 38 yrs. Good luck and please come back and tell us how it works out.
Speaking only for myself, I would never want to put another person in the position of being tied to me and suffering because of that. It would hurt me greatly.
I'm 75 but with a mental age of 50 and active and want to live the rest of what I have left the way I want too and happy.
Dont be afraid of what others think they dont live in your shoes ...Go be happy and true be know your spouse would want you too...MY ADVICE GO BE HAPPY!!