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My mother is struggling greatly being confined to her room. Her mental state is worsening by the day, and she’s becoming helpless. Today she couldn’t sort out how to operate the remote control for her television (she didn’t have any cognitive issues prior to isolation). She said she’s very weak and felt like she couldn’t walk anymore. She keeps crying and saying she can’t handle this - being alone with no one to talk too. I talk to her briefly during the day a few times, with a longer call in the evening. Long-term, it would not work well for her to live with me. We’ve tried it before, and I am out of the house 11 to 12 hours a day for work. She felt very lonely. Assisted-living has been great for her, and she was very active and a resident leader prior to isolation. We are significantly invested in terms of paying privately and being eligible for Medicaid sometime later this year. I’m just becoming very concerned that she will not bounce back mentally from this ordeal, and have no clue as to how long isolation will last.

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I've been struggling with the same problem. My Mom has mixed dementia, and moved into ALiving on March2nd, and had barely started to meet people, attend a few activities when the visitor lockout happened. It's been tough, up until 2 weeks ago, she could still still outside on the front deck, and I could sit with her, 6 ft apart, and she could see me in person, we could share a snack or a meal. I couldn't go in the facility or touch or hug her, but that helped. Now the front door sensor is disabled, and they encourage everyone to stay in their rooms, except for curated hall activities such as stay in doorway and do chair exercises, or they play music on occasion.

The reasons I used to get her to move have all but erased, social interactions to help with dementia, joining a service group there to give her a sense of purpose cancelled. She lived with me 6 mo prior to move, and I was exhausted and burnt out.

She had a bad fall 2 weeks prior to move in, which after an overnight hospital stay, seemed to exhabarate her sundowning, confusion and anxiety. The doctor seemed to think that was bc of the trauma, and waiting to move in would just reset the clock on that. But here we are, and there is more change and more isolation. And she is lonely and just has no hobbies and I vacillate between feeling that I need to go get her and knowing I probably cant handle having her here again indefinitely. If she leaves the facility, they wont let her come back, until all shelter in place is lifted

Her confusion and sundowning are definitely worse, but is it because of this situation or just the disease progression. The doctor recommended increasing her Sertraline from 25 mg to 50, and Seroquel from 12.5 mg to 25 to help.
Right now we have decided to ride it out, but if there is Covid issue there bring her home. It's hard because when she sundown in evening, in her confusions moves things around, "packs" and then cant find things the next day when she is clear. Wouldn't be a problem, but I cant come in and fix it back up.

We bought her a Portal, and now we and her frinds and family can all video chat, which helps a little. Sometimes she packs it up at night, but they just plug it back in for her. It's been nice because she recognizes people better when she sees us, and I can share pictures for her to look at when not using it to talk. I can see if she looks well, has changed her clothes, and some of the room condition.

Ssorry to hijack your thread to vent. But there are lots of us in the same boat. We are all doing the best we can
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I would stay the course. Mom might not be very happy right now, but she's not alone in that. Hopefully it won't be too long before some level of normalcy returns to our lives.
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anonymous846536 Apr 2020
Thanks for your thoughts. Much appreciated.
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You may consider continuing to pay for her room, keeping her room, and taking her home until restrictions are lifted? I think this is very difficult for seniors. The confined to room is the worst of it.
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anonymous846536 Apr 2020
Thanks very much. Very helpful idea. Unfortunately, she’s now been diagnosed with a mild case of pneumonia and I don’t think I should move her until she finishes antibiotics and has a clear X-ray. She’s very weak and I think probably safer in her room - although not sure. Also don’t know if she has the virus as she’s not been tested.
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Your mother will be alone for 12 hours a day if she moves in with you...........so it's basically the same situation, except she won't have meals delivered to her. She will STILL need to find something to occupy her time in your home. Nobody is happy right now. Things are tough for everyone, and we all need to try developing some coping skills or just hone the ability to chill out and watch tv or read a magazine. Talking on the phone is a great diversion, and keeps her tuned in to family and friends, as it does for my mother.

Your mother may suffer some cognitive decline as a result of being isolated; in fact, they ALL might. My mother seems to be in a very agitated mood lately, making up stories about family members who've died from COVID-19, which is a bald faced lie. Lots of ugly behaviors are coming out right now for many elders (and non-elders alike), but I don't believe we can 'fix' this situation. It has the potential to go on for quite some time, too, for ALL of us, at home, in ALFs, in nursing homes, everywhere. Every day I call my mother (who lives in a Memory Care ALF) and talk her down off the ledge she's teetering on for the moment. I give her practical advice and listen to endless complaining about how awful the food is and all sorts of other things. It is what it is. All in all, I believe she's safe where she's at, and would be no better off at my house. In any event, there's no way I could possibly care for her here even if I wanted to; she has way too many issues including being wheelchair bound and incontinent, which is out of the scope of my abilities.

We daughters have to realize we can't fix everything for our mothers. Heck, we can't even fix this for ourselves! Tons of people everywhere are depressed, anxious, and even suffering stress disorders. Perhaps your mom's doc can prescribe a mild sedative for her or an anti-depressant if you think she's headed in that direction. Give the doc a call and have a chat; I think that's your best bet.

If, however, you feel it's a good idea to take her into your home, then by all means, do so.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
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anonymous846536 Apr 2020
Thanks very much for taking the time to respond. I appreciate the reminder that sometimes things are out of our control.
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