I hate to even think my father would do this, but I think sometimes he says or does things to make me feel sorry for him or worry about him. For example, whenever he knows I'm upset because of something he said, he starts saying he does not feel good. I'm not saying he's faking but I have noticed a pattern. Also, sometimes he does not answer his phone. I will get worried and drive across town and find that his phone is on silent. He keeps his phone right beside him all the time or he's reading news articles on his phone so he should still see he has a missed call. I just called him three times.. no answer. I was getting ready to go over there and then he calls. He said he did not hear the phone and I reminded him that it was right beside him when I left.. so then he says he was outside. I realize that he's gotten older and some of things he does is because of that.
I'd like to address your statement, " I guess I just do not understand why someone would be this way. I would never do this to my daughter. I want her to be happy. I have already told her that if I get in a position that I can not live alone, that it is ok for me to go to assisted living. She says would not do that but I want to know that it is ok if it comes to that."
We don't understand this type of manipulative behavior bc we're normally functioning people. People operating with mentally ill/ personality disordered or dementia riddled minds don't think normally. Stop trying to "think like dad" bc you Can't! Just chalk it off to his dysfunction and find coping mechanisms to deal with it, and boundaries to set up to prevent you from getting sucked into the games.
Re: the stigma of Assisted Living. It's pure nonsense. My folks lived for 7 yrs in an AL that looked and felt like a 4 star hotel with all the amenities. I should be so lucky to have the financial wherewithal to afford Such a thing in old age, that my children would have that peace of mind, to know I'm well cared for in such an environment. We must all ditch that nonsensical thought that AL is some 19th century insane asylum and recognize it for what it truly IS in 21st century America: the answer to a prayer for those who can afford it, and for us "children" of difficult parents we can't and won't have living with us.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this, faithfulbeauty.
I've personally known too many friends who've had terrible experiences with supposedly great AF's & Nursing Homes. I'm years away (hopefully) from needing one. But they'd literally have to pull my dead carcas out of the bottom of the Mississippi River before I'd go live in one. It IS terribly lonely for alot of the residents. I haven't lived an entire productive, good life helping my fellow human beings just to wind up lonely, scared & sick in my old age. Screw that!
Now there's me - the only one left to manipulate. Even when my daughter, a friend and a sitter all told me - independently on different occasions - that my mother was manipulating me emotionally because she enjoyed my reactions, I scratched my head. (My friend recommended the book by Cloud and Townsend "Boundaries".)
My mother had me on a roller coaster. She called me to her bedside in January 2020 after breaking her hip and told me she was dying. That tore me up and I got so upset I had to call my cousin just to talk through it. What he said to me has stuck with me since - he said "she is enjoying the attention". I was like....what???
I still hadn't connected who she was, how she treated me while growing up and what was gong on at the time. Eventually I began to realize that I was being manipulated to feel sorry for her so I would pet and coddle her beyond what was necessary.
I read the Boundaries book. I tried to define what my role as her caregiver required of me.
It's been a journey and I things are still not perfect, or as I would like for them to be, but I no longer allow her to drive me to despair in order to get attention.
It's really sad that our natural love and concern for our parents is taken advantage of, but it's a reality for many of us.
Peace.
We moved into a home across the street from my parents when my dad had a stroke, and we knew we needed to be there to help my mom. She was always playing the 'help me' card. Whenever we tried to do something without her, she'd wait about 5 minutes then call, saying that we never come over and what would she do, and how would she manage. Yup, we'd turn around, forget the movie we were going to, and be with her. Time and time again.
One time, we had a very small earthquake, and she called with "heeelllpp me". Of course, we ran across the street. We found her in the living room, stretched out on the floor, face down with the phone about a foot away from her. So by this time, some of the neighbors had also come into her house to see what the commotion was about. I know how she fakes everything just to get attention, so I got on my knees beside her, leaned down and whispered to her that I knew she was faking, and the neighborhood was now in her house, and she'd better get over it. She gets up on her knees, gets to a chair, gets herself up and says, "Well, that certainly was some earthquake."
I guess what I'm saying to you is that our parents take advantage of us when they can. And that you can only be taken advantage of if you allow it! Just hope you don't do the same to your kids when the time comes!
It's not new behavior…it's her lifelong habit of being shifty. Worse now that she's in her 80s. Utterly exhausting mentally and emotionally. My sister and I are spent.
It can be hard to SEE the invisable line from one to the other. But your gut will probably FEEL it.
What's your gut telling you?
"I need any advice I can get. I wash all his clothes weekly, clean weekly, grocery shopping and take him to all doctors appointments".
Your Father's army-of-one is advancing...
Then if you call and he doesn’t answer , you know he is safe in a facility . You could always call the facility staff to see how he is doing . Not sure if your Dad is being manipulative or he’s lonely or frightened . Start looking for a new home for Dad with or without him .
I used to drive to my mom’s house when she didn’t answer the phone. I would show up not knowing what to expect and then she would say, “Oh, honey. I’m sorry that I was in the bathroom when you called.”
This was before mom or I had cell phones. She had one phone in her hallway and she wouldn’t hear it ringing if she was in the bathroom showering.
We can’t possibly know if your dad is putting on an act. I’m sure that it’s hard for you to figure it out right now. Everything is a guessing game in the beginning of this new chapter in your dad’s life.
Maybe your suspicions are correct and your dad is looking for attention from you. Some people do want others to feel sorry for them. They get satisfaction from seeing others cater to them. The truth is usually that their behavior is working on our nerves and we are growing tired of it.
Don’t allow this situation to get to out of control. The minute you start to feel resentment towards your father, it’s time to make some changes that will benefit each of you.
Start researching care options for dad, a facility, a caregiver but don’t even think about him moving into your home. Trust me, been there, done that and it is very challenging to have a parent living in our home. Avoid it at all costs.
Best wishes to you and your father.
Make your call 1x a day as a check in. If he doesn't pick up leave a message. Make him realize that he is not funny. That this is not cute. Remind him of the boy who cried wolf. Tell him u do not have to help him and it would not be hard to walk away and leave him on his own. He needs u more than you need him. Lay down the law.
But most of us are only human.
We have periods of imperfections, episodes of mini-breakdown, longings for a more normal life , frustration, and --dare I utter the word?-- even anger sometimes.
I am not seeing the levels of "cruelty" you are seeing here in responses, but we are all different.
While I do admire that you have a depth of understanding with regard to your elders, I also think that your judgement of others here is just a little bit "harsh".
I think most people on Forum are kind, and are, at the least, "trying". People who come to the forum, for the most past, are already steeped in guilt: feeling not good enough, patient enough.
I always try to reassure that we are NOT Saints; and that it isn't a great job description, anyway!
All three also had dementia.
My sincere suggestion to you is set some boundaries and hire part time help. Is he still driving and is he able to do basic care for himself? Maybe he needs an occasional housekeeper to clean and tidy up.
Don't be so available.
"Don't be so available."
Geez. Really?? Your parents put up with you when you were childlike & TOTALLY helpless as a newborn infant, then a baby, then a toddler. We ALL cried & screamed alot as little ones & drove our parents nuts at times. Sometimes everyday till we got old enough to understand the world around us better & talk. And they put up with us when we were (at times) hormonal, moody, know-it-all, not-so-fun-to be around teenagers.
It's now time to be a grownup & return the favors they did for you for many, many years.
I definitely agree that hiring Caregivers & housekeepers to help out is very important, if the family can afford it. Because yes it's very important the family gets "breaks" so they don't get burned out, & even resentful. I've seen that too many times.
These people are sick. They're not thinking straight half the time. It's up to those who ARE thinking straight to come up with do-able & liveable plans for their care.
If you can't be "so available," find people who can be, for their sakes & yours.