Has this happened to you?

@Uarew6 - let me offer a slightly different perspective on the concept of "care martyr". You can be trying to do the right thing - and still be a "care martyr". While you can interpret it as offensive, you might consider taking it at face value - from an outside perspective.

While I don't know what it is like to have such a huge family - DH and I are both one of two. I DO know what it is like to have a narcissist lie to the world about you. I also know what it is like to "do the right thing" both in an effort to help but also in an effort to ensure that others know we are doing the right thing.

Here is my experience. If you have a narcissistic loved one that is telling lies about you - it will not matter how much you do for them - they are STILL going to lie to others about you. You can literally give up your entire life and do EVERYTHING for them - and they will still tell people that you do NOTHING.

My FIL would literally be in the same room with us - on the phone with his sister, or his bff or his "not girlfriend" and tell them that we never visited. That we never did anything for him. That he supported us financially (while he DID do that for SIL, he did NOT ever do one single monetary thing for DH as an adult - but he would lump all of us in together to make the story more convincing of how his kids took advantage of him). He made up lies about his GRANDCHILDREN (who stopped visiting him because there was no point)

It did not matter that he had FOUR people at his beck and call. It did not matter that DH and I used up tons of PTO running him from appointments. It did not matter that ALL of us had caregiver injuries from taking care of him. He did not care about us. He only cared about what we could do for him. And he made sure that he had the whole family on blast that we were all terrible people because we didn't do ANYTHING for him.

Here is what we finally figured out. To quote Dr. Seuss "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter!". Family and friends chose sides. Those who had been burned by him in the past - didn't listen to any of his lies. And then there were those who fell into his trap - hook, line and sinker. His sister being the only one who outlived him.

She was ALL in - and shared the same lies about us that he shared - IN SPITE of the fact that WE were her only lifeline to him. We thought early on that she would help us bridge the gap to getting the help he needed. But no matter HOW outrageous the lies - she fell for them.

There are too many stories to tell. But sufficed to say - after we let her know he passed away late last year - she has not spoken a SINGLE word to any of us since.

As long as you are the solution - you ARE the solution. A narcissist is going to drain every bit of life out of you and move on to the next supply.

You have to decide that you are going to either develop a thick skin and not care what your family thinks - when you know you are doing all you can do. OR you can start finding help to take the load off of you and ignore what everyone else says.

FIL's sis - was the most vocal, judged us the most harshly, and was just done with us once he was no longer alive. But she hadn't laid eyes on him in over 10 years. She never once offered her help - just judgment.

People are quick to judge when they aren't the one having to do the work.

You deserve to take care of yourself too.

I must apologize to everyone. I have not had the time to read the answers but will get to them in a few days. When the PT person handed me the exercises, I took for granted that it was both sheets. Only the top sheet is and there are only six. What I have done in the past and newly created yesterday is a spreadsheet that is for 31 days down and the exercise names across the top. Down the right side of the paper I shrunk the exercises to fit on the page and pasted them there. I made/will make a new chart every month since scanning the pasted sheet into my desktop. If it is only 28 days or 30, the last lines are crossed out so she doesn't try to use the same sheet for another month. If it still works, she will be able to do them by herself in the morning without prompting. I will have to remind her about the afternoon and I'm hoping she can do them by herself as she as done in the past. The columns are divided into two so she can mark that she has done them. She did so well this way a few years back, but until I see that she can do it again, I'll be monitoring her. With her narcissism I'm sure she will be able to do them just to prove "she's better than me," which I'm hoping will make it a go. By the way, he has her done within 20 minutes and she is slowly improving. If she does as well as she did the rehab exercises, she will continue to do them once the allowed PT is used up.

Trust me, home health therapists are used to patients not being able or willing to do their exercises daily. I doubt the therapist realistically thinks you’ll be able to do them twice a day. Let them know that it’s just not feasible and ask for options. There are ways to incorporate exercises into functional activities; also ask for the most important exercises and how you might fit them in for a few minutes here and there as opposed to needing big chunks of time. The therapist should be able to help with this.

"How much more can anyone do?" This statement right here tells me that you're micromanaging way too much and that will cause burnout faster than anything.

You don't personally have to be your mother's caregiver and handle every detail of her life and every need she has. There are options.

One such option is homecare. If she's getting in-home physical therapy she will qualify for some hours of aide care that will be covered by insurance. If you want and need more it will have to be paid for. So you pay it out of her income, not yours.

Another option is assisted living or a nursing home. Live-in caregivers could be a pssibility.

Don't let yourself become a care martyr because you have a need to micromanage every detail of mother's care and take care of every need yourself. This will destroy your life. I have seen it destroy many people's lives.

Welcome to Hell. I am Starr and I have been here for 6 months.
Coffee is to your left and donuts to your right. Zoloft and other meds will be passed out at 10am and 4pm.

Enjoy your stay

You eexplain to the doctor you are burnt out and now the time you did have for yourself is taken ip doing these exercises. Could he please order in home care and the PT can help Mom with these exercises.

You are 70, not elderly but not young anymore. It may bevtime to place Mom. She is getting to much for you.

How old is your mother? I didn't see any info on your profile but I may have looked too quickly. Any way to get in-home PT approved via MediCare?

Well, welcome to my world, it sucks.

I've been backing off, letting family do the work, because I want mom to be in AL, and no one will support me on this. They were letting me do all the work, only show when I back off.
I'm not PO A

Moms second bout with this this year. She is not suppose to reach. Then cable goes out and she panics because no one is there and she is reaching for wires and what not.

Physical therapy started Thursday, but it was just paperwork. Friday on the phone she sounded horrible. Today I called , and she sounded better. The worry is killing me, I'm damned no matter what right now. If I don't go I worry, if I go no one else helps. My brother was there all weekend, so I think I'll run over this morning, but I tell you what ever you do, to the people that truly care it really sucks

What I really do think all this physical therapy is just a bandaid, there's no doubt in my mind that she will maybe get better, with physical therapy, but the minute she moves wrong it will come back.

Could be a couple weeks after physical therapy or a few months. But it will come back and I can't get my family to understand that.

Anyways have you considered a facility for her? As for me I'm not doing this forever, it effects my mental health way to much . And I turn effects my marriage.

Sorry for all the rambling about myself . Hope my story helps you not feel so alone. Best of luck, to both of is

It really does sound like you're past the point of no return and that it's time to have your mother placed in the appropriate facility.
Do you honestly believe that your mother would want you literally killing yourself because of her? That is exactly what you are doing....killing yourself.
This nonsense HAS to stop!
If money is an issue, you'll have to apply for Medicaid for your mother, so she can get placed sooner than later.

Have a look under caregiving topics for Burnout. Hopefully you can find useful advice you can implement.

Seeing what help is needed us a crutial first step. Setting boundaries on what you can/will do & what you can't/won't is next. Then adding home care help & services.
Plump up Care Team Mom!

Re the exercises:
If Mom cannot do these independantly, who decided it must be you that guides her therapy sessions? Have you discussed with the Physio who can provide this service?
Eg is there insurance or funding to have an allied health aide come to do the exercises with Mom?

The same principle can be applied to every task.

Every task your Mom can not do independantly (without supervision, prompts or supervision) does not equate to you having to do that task for her.