It negatively impacts all 3. I tried in home, hands-on caregiving with my 94 year old mother with Alzheimer’s stage 5-6. I was 60 at the time. Hubs and I tried to unite to assist her but sometimes the person being cared for is totally unreasonable, violent, uncooperative, etc. and drives a wedge between the married couple. We got more and more grouchy with each other because we couldn’t get grouchy with her. She lived with us for only 3 months before she went back to a different memory care facility. It was like a boulder was lifted off us. Our focus could be each other again instead of her and having to be on high alert 24/7.
We have grown children out of the home so I can’t speak to that.
My advice; Do not bring a severely demented loved one into your home. It will ruin any relationships for you and whoever else lives with you. It is also very taxing to be a caregiver for an immobile person. I have seen and heard of hands on c/g’s (years younger) dying BEFORE the elderly family member.
One Thanksgiving at my house, my crazy mother got drunk and started screaming at the guests dropping F bombs, this was only one of many issues with mommy dearest. Anyway, the next day my husband said..."It's your choice...me or her". I chose him, he died 9 years later, I had not talked to her the entire time, it was wonderful...he died...I went back and opened Pandora's Box, she behaved for a brief period of time, then it started all over again, I went no contact again. So the answer is yes, she is now 94, I am involved with her through my brother, when she dies, I will help him, but, that is all I can do.
Sure. I would be so surprised if anyone said there was no impact. I am 76 and my significant other is my Domestic partner. My 85 y/o brother one year ago was diagnosed with benign brain tumor affecting balance and a likely Lewy's Bodies Dementia, early onset. Because of this there was an accident, and subsequently my brother moved to an Assisted Living Situation and I have become trustee of his trust and POA for financial. Just taking on this duty alone has made me scared, given I do not know a lot of things and am learning as I go. My increased anxiety puts a burden on my guy. He also has stepped in in a huge way for me, to be there, to run around to lawyers, town to town as bro in So Cal and I in No Cal. One the one hand we are stronger together understanding how clearly and suddenly vulnerable we all are, learning things together and working through. On another hand I am more anxious about everything including our own age, more scared, more hooked in to end of life stuff (I am HERE, right). And that part is a burden. I think each of us could write chapter and verse for how things have changed our relationships and our lives, and THAT is a book I would love to read. I am amazed by the heroism and the pain of the good and decent people here.
My husband of 10 years has been a prince when it comes to dealing with my parents moving out here in 2011, 2 short years after we were married. He's been putting up with a TON of care giving responsibility, moving them here & there, and dealing with all of MY venting and chronic issues with my mother. My care giving responsibilities have definitely impacted my marriage in a negative way, that's for sure. We barely have any time for ourselves without my mother popping into the conversation, the phone ringing with bad news from her or the ALF, ambulance rides to the ER or something else that requires immediate attention. I'm always on my 2 children to PLEASE call their grandmother, and to PLEASE go see her, just to take some of the burden off of me as the only 'child'. So again, a negative impact in every way.
Eight years ago, my then husband chose to become his parents' full-time, live-in caregiver at their home, 150 miles from our family (marital) residence. We were already having relationship issues, but my ex's decision to take on this job was the beginning of the end. Two things in particular contributed to the death of the marriage: my ex rarely (as in, maybe once per month if I was lucky) communicated with me in any way; and his dad, my former father-in-law, made clear his belief that he and his wife, my ex's mom, should be the top priorities and that I and our children could safely be ignored for the duration.
I tried in home, hands-on caregiving with my 94 year old mother with Alzheimer’s stage 5-6. I was 60 at the time. Hubs and I tried to unite to assist her but sometimes the person being cared for is totally unreasonable, violent, uncooperative, etc. and drives a wedge between the married couple. We got more and more grouchy with each other because we couldn’t get grouchy with her. She lived with us for only 3 months before she went back to a different memory care facility. It was like a boulder was lifted off us. Our focus could be each other again instead of her and having to be on high alert 24/7.
We have grown children out of the home so I can’t speak to that.
My advice; Do not bring a severely demented loved one into your home. It will ruin any relationships for you and whoever else lives with you.
It is also very taxing to be a caregiver for an immobile person. I have seen and heard of hands on c/g’s (years younger) dying BEFORE the elderly family member.