xrayjodib Asked December 2019
Have any of you moved an aging loved one far away from their home? How did they handle it? What has been the outcome? I need advice!
Follow
Share
I have recently become totally responsible for my Aunt. My Uncle passed away. They have one son who is mentally ill and now has a restraining order against him on behalf of my Aunt. I have placed her in a wonderful assisted living facility in California close to her home of 42 years. I have tried to get her to come home with me in Montana. Although her memory is gone (like swiss cheese) she doesn't want to leave her son. Do I just move her closer to me or do I try to take care of her from over 1,000 miles away?
I want her to be happy, but she just wants to go home. Her home has been sold and she just doesn't remember. I need some serious advice!
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
6 Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Moving father with mid-stage Alzheimer's to another state. What do we need for his care?
- Mom would like to go back to her apartment to get her things out & turn in the key! She has dementia. We would assist. Thoughts?
- Q for Tampa / St Petersburg / Clearwater area ...
- Can someone that needs to be in a long term care facility choose one in another state so they can be close to family?
Ask a Question
Secondly, I would find it impossible to care for my mother who lives in Memory Care Assisted Living from 1000 miles away! There are a ton of things I have to do for her so visiting there once a week is imperative. Not to mention trips to the ER, the hospital, specialists, rehab........the list is endless. Unless you don't mind traveling back & forth as all the issues crop up, it's important to get her living closer to you.
Thirdly, her son is not allowed to see her ANYWAY. So living near him is irrelevant. Furthermore, her home has been sold! There's nowhere to go back to; that life is in the past. Focus on the present & the future now.
It's time to think about what's best for ALL concerned, not just your Aunt. You're doing a noble thing here to begin with, so don't make it into something unmanageable for you!!
Good luck!
My dad with late-stage dementia was in Utah where he had lived for the last 40 years and where some of my siblings lived, but there were problems, so I was asked if I would move him to my home in Idaho, which my wife and I did for 3.5 years before we moved him to a memory care facility just a 20-minute bike ride from our home. It was easier for me to be his guardian with him close by than it was for my wife whose aunt had been 2.5 hours away. And, fortunately, my dad adjusted to his two moves much better than I had expected he would. Within two weeks of moving him to our home, he completely forgot that he had ever lived in Utah and could only remember his childhood and college-day homes from 70+ years ago. Easily within the first 24 hours of moving him to a memory care facility, he didn't remember ever living with us. I visited him daily and he usually thought I was his dad, but sometimes I was one of his brothers, and only rarely did he recognize me as his son.
During almost all of those visits, my dad would ask me to take him home, but "home" was his childhood home where he thought his mom was waiting for him (or waiting for us, since he often thought I was his dad). I always told him it was too late today since all I had was a bike, but that we could go "home" in the morning after a good night's sleep and a hot breakfast. That usually satisfied him, but when it didn't, then we would walk the halls together looking for an exit and a ride "home." Sometimes other residents overheard us and wanted us to take them to their homes and I'd tell them the same things I told my dad (which makes me wonder if your aunt had been there if she also would have asked us to take her home).
Like I said, everyone's situation is unique, so do what you think is best. Best wishes in navigating this difficult decision.
For all she knows (dementia), she could be five minutes away from home. She still talks about wanting to be at her own house, but it simply isn't doable. The main reason I wanted to keep her at closer to her house was so her friends could visit, but the staff at the nursing home finally told me it had been months since anyone had visited other than me. Well, duh -- her friends are all 90 years old, too, and can't get around. What was I thinking??
Now she's 10 minutes from me, and I see her every other day rather than twice a week. It's better for everyone concerned, and she's doing much better than she was.
It sounds (and feels) selfish, but truly, you need to do what works best for you and your family. She won't know if she's far from her son or not. Having her closer to you is what's best for all involved, so move her to Montana.
What to my mind is more important is that, given you have total responsibility for your aunt, it will be an unnecessary challenge to be her advocate from afar. It is possible, I did it for my aunt some years ago. I resolved many issues for her, but had to rely on her to tell me if problems were fixed. She was a 5 hour drive away from me, a trip I could only handle a few times a year.
As for the distance to be travelled by a dementia patient: my friends mother was in permanent care in one state, my friend in the next state, and my friend's daughter, who has POA over her grandmother, in the next state again. My friend's mother had dementia, would not/could not walk, was wasting away, did not know my friend, did not take in activities, was non compliant in so many areas.
The home was shut down overnight with patients being sent to various places, she was not happy where she was plonked. My friend and her daughter collected the mother and drove her for 16 hours to the third state to be near her POA. She has settled in extremely well, made new friends already, wants to learn to walk again, is gaining weight, knows my friend again, is really verbal again, has really good telephone conversations several times a week. The medical records are not forthcoming from the original home, the new home and the new medical team are thinking that the mother was drugged. The mother has a much better quality of life now.
The point I am trying to make is that even though things might seem fine and in order on the occasions you can travel 1000 miles, one cannot see everything. I really feel it is in both yours and your aunt's interests to live with her. By the way, the mother thoroughly enjoyed the road trip, especially the fast food they ate along the way!
Also if perchance she is on Medicaid or will need Medicaid in her future that will have to be dealt with. It’s very difficult on seniors to move them but if necessary, it can be done.