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She sounds like she is beyond an AL. I would look into an SNF.

Meanwhile, do not feel guilty. Because it should go like this:

Step 1: The senior is legally independent in their own home. At which point do stuff for them as you are able, but you're not their unpaid workhorse. They should be thanking you at Step 1 or even perhaps slipping you some pin money for this.

Step 2: The senior's needs have devolved so that they want you or need you to do everything. That should only be done if you have POA over everything if you're supposed to do everything. They should be grateful. If they are not but are acting up, and if fecal or violent behavior is involved, there is no choice but...

Step 3: They need to go into a facility. By this time it's not usually AL, but usually the best memory care or SNF she can afford, and if not the family can make sure she gets one of the nicer medicaid beds. They should still be grateful, but if they haven't through 1 and 2, I doubt it would hold true in Stage 3.
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It has reached a point where it is no longer safe for you to have her at home. It is not safe for her. It is not safe for you. You, if you were to keep her at home would need help daily and if she wanders at night you would most likely need help over night.
At 37 you are far too young to give up your life to care for your mom. I am sure if you were to get in Sherman and Peabody’s wayback machine (and you will have to google that cuz you are too young to have seen the show) and ask your mom if she would want you to give up your job, your life to care for her I am 99.99% sure she would not want that for you.
You can be her advocate, care manager you don’t have to be a full time caregiver.
Look for a Memory Care facility that will take care of her, they can be the caregivers and you can be her daughter.
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Wow....so sorry to read what you are going through. That is a lot. But, it does seem like you have a very workable, thought out plan. Keep Mom in the hospital. Found an assisted living facility for her, I hope the tour goes well at the facility, ask lots of questions and if possible look at another facility just for comparison sake. I would talk to a lawyer who specializes in elder law to find out about fiances and your rights. Good luck tomorrow!
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rovana Dec 2021
Ariadne, there may be no possibility of keeping mom in an acute care hospital, unless she is being actually treated. And it would be expensive since she would be private paying.
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