I do.
I’m an only child. I live in my house near my mom’s house. I set up 24-hour care for her, with her money. There are only very bad facilities in our area.
Over the years, I helped my elderly mom with many things. My mom has given nothing back. I didn’t mind in the beginning, because it was a few favors here and there. With time, I helped with an enormous amount of things.
The most valuable thing we have is our time (and health). I’ve given so much of my time to help her, for years. Things that can’t be delegated to other people. Not all problems can be hired out to someone else.
I feel very taken advantage of, also financially: in the sense that I gave a lot of my time. My work suffered. She gave nothing back.
(AC, I see that I can only choose as a category for example “Elder Abuse”, “Arthritis”, etc. I suggest you please add the category “Exploited/Abused Caregivers”)
Now I focus on my work. I already solved her problems. So the situation now is different. I’m talking about the past years.
I would never dream of giving nothing back, if someone helped me that much, for years. Someone’s time is precious. If I wouldn’t give back, it would be like keeping a slave around.
Anyone else feel financially taken advantage of? Exploited/abused in some way?
For me, it’s a matter of time. I spent sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
much time helping. Did I mention to you, I spent a lot of time helping?
I would never do that to my kid, without:
1. Giving something back, in addition to showing a lot of gratitude.
2. Saying sorry that so many unnecessary admin things were dumped on my kid.
3. Showing empathy for the unfair dumping.
4. Correcting the unfair dumping; finding some way to un-dump problems that should never have been dumped on my kid in the first place.
Your mom is mentally competent, so, even though there are tasks, which can’t be delegated to another person, your mom will just have to find someone else to do it, not you. Enough slavery already. I bet on top of all that time you spent helping, she’s also abusive to you. A kind parent doesn’t exploit their child. She’s an unjust person.
Something. Some gesture. Instead I understand, your mom gives nothing.
In such a case, I’d say your mom is doing it intentionally. Not all moms have their daughter’s best interests at heart.
She might even enjoy that you’re upset that you’re taken advantage of. Lots of negative emotions. She might love that, because it tears away at your life.
My advice is, be careful of your mom. I don’t think she has your best interests at heart. She might be wanting to destroy you.
I’m not sure how I would handle it, and as you pointed out you had to help again today. It’ll probably keep happening: your mother needing help and you spending a lot of time helping, unpaid. As you said, it’s like a slave.
I know that if my kid helped a lot, I would give back in some way.
I think everyone should take of their parents the best they can; that is if their parents cared well for them during their childhood and adolescence (and for some beyond).
Any one of you who’s been exploited, or abused, that elderly parent is despicable.
(((Hug)))
Question:
Will you care for your parents when they’re elderly?
Almost everyone said yes, and super enthusiastically.
All I can think is, “Yeah you haven’t done it for one day yet. Let’s see how enthusiastic you are when you actually do it…in particular if it’s for years, your parent shows almost no gratitude, your parent is difficult or abusive…and the problems keep piling on top of you, affecting your life…”
When my kids said to me, “Mom, we will care for you like you care for grandma.” My response was, Like hell you will! I love you entirely too much to expect that of you. I want you to live your own lives.
I am sure that they feel exploited and used, yet they do not make any moves to change that dynamic, so it is what it is.
Nobody (but mom) is happy. She's not even happy, truth be told.
She is well off, financially, but the kids routinely pick up the tab for any little things that she needs or wants. DH simply pays for whatever he's had tp buy for her and is not reimbursed, far as I know. I stay well out of it all.
Yes, at some point she'll go and we will inherit a nice chunk of change--I just think DH will be too old and worn out to get much use of any inheritance.
I know we are not alone in this kind of situation.
So many are suffering and it is still subject not many professionals even recognize.
I spent years going back to NYC from California where I now reside to help out. My relationship with my mother has deteriorated. I only come back for my sister because I don’t feel it is fair that she get stuck with everything. We have another sister who is also local but does nothing.
Yes I resent having given up a huge chunk of my time to my mother. Since I have been coming back our relationship deteriorated tremendously. Things were said by my mother to me and about me that I can’t let go of.
if it wasn’t for my sister I would have walked away.
It’s really very SELFISH behavior of these elderly parents. SELFISH and…
Maybe even intentionally wanting to destroy your life. Someone who cares about you, doesn’t want to exploit you, doesn’t want you to be a slave.
I think some elderly parents exploit you, also with the intentional and consciously-chosen AIM of destroying your life.
There’s a fine line between accidentally destroying your adult child’s life (by exploiting them, taking and taking their help; time)…and intentionally doing so. When the elderly parent clearly sees they’re exploiting, clearly sees they’ve created a slave…and yet they continue…then it’s not so innocent. It’s intentional: sabotaging, ruining your life on purpose.
Not all parents have their child’s best interests at heart: on the contrary. In fact, some want to destroy your life.
I never want my children to feel like they owe me anything. I chose to have kids. It was my job to raise them.
Sure, I think most long time caregivers have felt what you are describing.
I find it is best to honor your feelings and then move on as best as you can. The past is gone. We have today to enjoy.
Today she needed help with a financial matter (again, it’s something that can’t be delegated to another person). I helped; it took hours. And I also pointed out that I’m being exploited.
When I lived at the seaside years ago my brother and girlfriend (not wife) gladly visited and stayed with me numerous times. They didn't even bring a cake or anything. No problem. I didn't care. I was so happy they could visit. Everything was great. When my brother got sick my father dropped everything to be with him. I took care of my father's house and affairs during this time which lasted months. When my brother got depressed I took care of him.
Now me and my brother and his family rarely speak. We don't do anything together anymore and never will. I have seen just how greedy and selfish they are. They are ingrates and I decided when I move out of here I'm not telling them anything, not where I'm moving to, not what I will be doing, nothing. I do not care.
So yes I have experienced similar to what you have and my guess is so have lots of other honorable people.