Have you ever yelled at your loved one for not using their walker? Am I a horrible person for losing my temper?

If a person has never lost it when caring for someone, they are a Saint.

Thank you all for your responses. I can't believe how much every comment helped me. With more patience today I spoke with her to find out why she wasn't bringing her walker with her. It turns out there is a door that slides open so she can't easily get through it. Today I removed the door.

I can't express enough how much coming here helped me. I feel like I am losing myself and my mind and knowing it is "normal" is a huge help.

As usual good communication is a necessity.

Sending you all good thoughts,

Kim

I not only yelled, I argued, pleaded, explained, reproached, debated, bribed, put up signs, blackmailed, threatened...

Sigh.

A few days ago, with my family caregiving long past and a few thousand client visits later, I explained the identical problem to two family members thus: "it does not enter her (my client's) head to use her call button or to use her walker. She actually puts it to one side out of her way when she gets up, does she?" (yes).

I can't tell you how strongly I sympathise with you. The person we are responsible for appears stubborn, careless, thoughtless, inconsiderate, reckless, obstinate, intentionally self-destructive...

No such thing, of course. They just didn't think or couldn't be bothered to fuss with their walker. Keep your shirt on! they're thinking.

Your MIL doesn't have dementia, so it may not be the case that she literally *cannot* think to use her walker (any more than she can do calculus or jump ten feet in the air) as it was with my mother; but it probably is the case that she just hasn't got into the habit of using it and finding it a benefit.

You are not wrong to have lost your temper, and to be stressed by her tottering around the place apparently in search of sharp, hard corners to bang her head against. The only suggestion I have to make is try to divide things strictly between Helpful, and Unhelpful, and reject the latter. Yelling won't help.

Kas15, if we're all honest here on this forum, I believe that everyone of us would have to admit that at some point we lost our temper with the one(s) we were/are caring for, and yelled at them. That doesn't make us any less of a person, or a bad person, nor does it say that we don't/didn't care and love those we cared for. What it does say is that we're all human and we all have our breaking points,(as being a caregiver is beyond stressful)so cut yourself some slack and know that you're doing the very best you can do, and that is all any of us can do.

JoAnn, the other reason not to get mad with someone who is resistant to care is that you're not emotionally connected with her or him.

Apart from the one particular lady who frustrated me so much that I longed to staple her falls alarm to her ear and tie her walker around her like a crinoline, I can honestly say that I don't get upset any more about clients refusing ("declining" we call it) sensible precautions and aids. We prompt, we remind, we facilitate, but if 99 year old tiny fragile sweetie-pie is determined to set off for the bathroom with only her faithful old walking stick and keeps her balance by "swimming" her free arm through the air as she bounces off the doorways... hey, it works for her. We explain, prompt, encourage, and document (and we stand as close as we can get); but she decides.

Another lady keeps her falls alarm by her phone. "So" that she always knows where it is. We have discussed this point on a number of occasions by now, and I accept that she doesn't like to wear it round her neck because the cord catches on her O2 cannula, and she doesn't like to wear anything on her wrist because... because. We have come to the understanding that at the end of my visit I look at her over my glasses when I get to that check box on the form, and she says "oh all right then," and I fetch the falls alarm and place it to hand by her armchair. Then she puts it back when she goes to bed.

If this lady goes base-over-apex one night as she's climbing the stairs and falls to the bottom, she is (at best) going to pass a miserable few hours wishing she'd worn her alarm and I and all of my co-workers will very much regret it too. But, so to say, we don't *care.* It won't hurt us. We want her to be safe, it is our responsibility to do all we can to ensure her safety and wellbeing, but we stay behind the boundary. It is her choice about her safety, and not ours about ours.

And, of course, she's not our mother.

You are only human, and as such, prone to human behaviors as the rest of us are. Only robots don't lose their tempers once in a while and should be 'ashamed' of themselves for having a human reaction.

That said, my 90 y/o father was VERY unsteady on his feet and refused to use even a cane to help himself. One day, we took him to Walgreens and my husband placed him in front of the cane display; told him to please select a cane of his choosing and purchase it, no choice, period. That was the day Dad started using a cane.

The cane wasn't really enough to balance Dad so we ordered him a walker thru Medicare. He refused to use it. We begged him, hollered at him (GASP!) we cajoled him, we used every tool in our toolbox to get him to use it, but he was stubborn and flatly refused. Dad fell one night at 2 am while en route to the bathroom and broke his hip.

After not being able to complete a stint in rehab, he was forced into Assisted Living and I had to liquidate their apartment in Independent Living and move mom into AL with him. Dad died 11 months later from a brain tumor that was revealed during an MRI after the broken hip incident.

The moral of the story is this: you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do.

You're not a 'bad person' for yelling at your MIL; you are a kind person trying to get HER to do the right thing in an effort to spare her future pain & agony, that's all.

But remember: You can't save a person from herself. Let her do as she wishes and let the chips fall where they may. You'll know you tried your best and that's that.

Best of luck.

Look on the bright side – you have managed to get a walker into the house! I finally managed it with dear MIL as a condition of going out for a walk around the block. I’d hired one, and she was willing to avoid the cost of hiring, all for nothing. She liked the option of sitting down on the seat, to look at interesting flowers in the neighbours’ gardens. Then when the 3 month hiring period was up, she insisted on keeping just that same one! The hiring people were delighted to sell it to her, as it was an old one without height adjustments, only suitable for short people (like my dear MIL).

You have to stress that using the aid means more choices, not less dignity!

Hi Kim, I'm Lisa. My dad is 88 with dementia and recovering from COVID. I have found that It is exactly like dealing with a child. In the beginning I was mad, angry and of course there is no leaving unless you have someone to come sit with them. I caught myself yelling one time because dad doesn't like to wear his oxygen and the lost look on his face made me realize that I do have to speak to and treat him as I would one of my grandchildren. I helped him to understand the need for his oxygen or the reason behind keeping his feet elevated and this seems to calm him more instead of us both getting upset. Thank you for listening. Until someone has walked in our shoes it's hard to explain to anyone how hard it can be. Take care.

My mom was too proud and stubborn to use her walker.

I informed her that if she fell, I would not help her up.

If the injury prevents her from being semi-independent, off to the old folks home for her. She knew I meant it after she fell and I refused to help her up.

You have to use tough love on stubborn men and women or else they will keep on repeating the stupid behavior. The first time is a learning incident, anything after that is stupid ( you know what will happen if you refuse to do what is right yet you insist on doing it. That is stupid ).

I didn't want to use my walker all the time until an OCCUPATIONAL THERAPIST gave me LESSONS in how and why to use it at all times, and walked with me to show me how to do it. I ended up choosing the kind with a seat and hand brakes, as it was presented to me as being FUN. She trained me in how to sit down on it, how to get up from sitting on it and turn around to use it, releasing the brakes. Now, I can't get along without it, but it took repetition of training by a professional to get me to do it.