Having a bad day, and decided to ask a question before I guilt trip. How many feel they are duty-bound?
Especially bad day today. Co-ordinating mom's aide coming, delivery of hospital bed and mom off the rails. Moved furniture three times to make it to her liking, trying to get rid of the clutter (we've been working on this over the weekend) with her directing and my having to explain why it was necessary to get many items moved from the room. Bedding not satisfactory, lighting all wrong, not having access to all her "stuff". Mind you, this woman can't remember what she had for breakfast, but seems to have an astounding clarity when it comes to her wants and desires. Plus she typically sleeps 20hrs. per day. Her aide told me today what a "devoted" daughter I am. Truth be told....I am not devoted at all, but I do this strictly from sense of duty. There is so much more to add, but I'm sure everyone can tell where this is going. Just out of curiosity......how many feel they are duty-bound.....and not the doting daughter?
Footnote....my mother and I have pretty much have been at odds most of our lives and her greatest accomplishment was being a mom to my do nothing brother. Thanks for listening. Rant over.
Yes, sometimes I feel myself not liking my mother. Struggle to remember I love her, and I know she loved me too. And I treasure those moments of clarity when I still feel that love.
I remind myself she has a real jumble of emotions, fear, confusion, resentment, sadness.
I live 200 miles away, trying now to come up to her AL for 4 days a week. She went under hospice care recently, although this has not been explained to her. She has been saying for months now, she is ready to die, wants to die. She has lost weight, not eating much, in severe pain, and hospice is doing a good job at getting her comfortable. I don't know how long she will hang in there...weeks, months no idea. But I will continue to hang in there with her, because I treasure seeing her light up when I bring my dog to see her, or smile when i fix her some hot tea. Will overlook today, when I brought her flowers and she said she doesn't like them. Wha???
Not sure I really gave you much of a coherent answer, but thank you for the chance to unload and unwind a bit. I appreciate what we are all facing and dealing with in the best way we can. I wish you well.
I totally get what you're saying about people saying you're devoted! One of the caregivers for my mom said "oh, you do so much for your mom" and I'm thinking "no, not really". I do what I do but don't want to do anymore and can barely do what I'm doing. And I don't feel good about any of it. I wish I could do more of it with a big ole smile on my face but I just do it. Blah.
It was some time after my parents had passed that I realized they still viewed me as being much younger..... thinking I was still 35 with a ton of energy instead of being 65 with my own age related surprises.
I see from your profile that your Mom has a hearing loss. So did my Mom, and that made communicating frustrating even when Mom was using hearing aids.
It sounds like you need to draw some boundaries with your mom; since nothing will ever be 'perfect' anyway, why spend so much time trying to accomplish that feat? Devote 30 minutes to something and then call it quits, that's what I'd do if it were me. She may just be trying to push your buttons by wanting things done in a certain way in her bedroom, and then they're never 'quite right', so you're running yourself ragged for nothing. My mother was quite good at pushing my buttons even well into her dementia journey. Played the guilt card like a pro, too.
You have every right to 'rant' and to get support here from those who 'get it'. I give you a lot of credit for caring for mom at home day in and day out, which is something I could never do. God bless you and give you the strength you need to persevere with mom.