Having conflicting thoughts of what is best for husband. Any suggestions?

“it’s been a while now he has been very verbally abusive. Threatens to kill me and just angry and mean.”

I just want to say:

You are not alone. I think unfortunately it’s VERY common: an elderly LO becomes mean, threatening, etc.
(whatever the cause may be)
(illness, or whatever)

A friend of mine is going through that with his father right now. Mean, threatening. The doctor evaluated; medicine given. Less screaming.

I wish you well, and my friend.

Whatever nasty things they’re saying, it’s not your fault.

Neecey, when was the last time your hubby was tested for an Urinary Tract Infection? Such an infection can cause older people to have all sorts of behaviors such as being angry, mean, abusive, and it can also mimic dementia.

It would be well worth getting your hubby to his primary doctor for a UTI test, which is very simple. Such an infection can be fixed with antibiotics. If the test comes back negative, then you will need to decide what is your best move.

Here's a link that might help you find a nursing facility for him. https://www.va.gov/geriatrics/pages/Nursing_Home_and_Residential_Services.asp

You might want to ask for a sleep aid yourself. It sounds so hard, what you're going through. Hang in there.

It sounds like it's time to place your husband in the appropriate facility, so you can get back to just being his wife and advocate.
You have to now do not only what is best for him but also what is best for you, and I think you already know that placing him is best for you both.
I wish you the very best.

Neecey,

I feel for you. You are accepting abuse that no one should be subjected to and doing so on a daily basis.

Now you have a verbally abusive husband who will be harder manage because he's sedated and less able - although perhaps a tad more willing - to respond to commands during cares.

I would seek VA SNF placement for him ASAP and begin to live your life and care for yourself. You can love him while not being subjected to abuse or responsible for his 24/7 cares.

I have to wonder what love can be left after so much abuse and wear and tear, but I'm not a saint. Please take care of yourself.