We have our mother at home in hospice. How have others celebrated the holidays with a loved one so close to the end of life?

Small or nothing at all. My dad died in January and was in hospice at home in December. Christmas had always been his and mom's big holiday but that year was different. Small gathering with 5 family members and one caregiver, and I don't think Mom remembered much of it afterward. Dad was mostly asleep and couldn't enjoy eating or even know what it was about, so for him it was pointless to do it at all. Also, rabid aunt kept stirring the pot with complaints, suggestions and bothersome talk that helped nothing and no one; if possible, someone would have Christmas-sealed her mouth, including the hospice doctor who stopped by and nicely tried to tell her to shut up. It was the last Christmas everyone was together - but we should have skipped it. It's not a happy memory in any way. Hold the precious memories of Christmas Past most dear! Because they are.

I think everyone would understand that you are caring for your Mom 24/7 and that the holidays will not be the same this year. If you don't feel like shopping, don't. Have a meal on Christmas Eve, eat leftovers on Christmas day. Make her room a little festive but you don't have to go "out there" decorating. Play Christmas music. Lots of places have full meals you buy if u don't feel like cooking. Just have the 4 of you. You do what ur comfortable with. Thats what I do.

5 weeks before my Dad died the doctor said he would not live the weekend. Mom insisted on Hospice. Dad lived to see Thanksgiving Day. My brothers, wives and children (we each have 2) gathered at Moms. Dads bed was in the living room. At this point he could not talk. He and my brothers watched the football game. It all was normal with the boys teasing Dad. My daughter helped get Dad ready for the night. Everyone, but my brother from out of town, left. Mom woke about about 6am, Dad was gone.She sat with him the next 2 hrs not wanting to disturb the Hospice Nurse or us kids. Thinking of this now, I wonder how my Mom got thru Thanksgiving Day. Dad had health problems and every year he would say "This is my last Thanksgiving, this is my last Christmas"

I think many people make WAY too big of a fuss about "the holidays" in general. If you have a reason to celebrate, then by all means do it. If you don't feel in the mood to celebrate, or feel down b/c your mother is at home under hospice care, then by all means, don't feel obliged to 'celebrate'. Not everyone is always in the mood for such celebrations, nor do they feel it's appropriate to do so. There's no law written saying that from Thanksgiving to New Years every year we all MUST do X Y & Z otherwise we're Scrooges, for petesake.

I remember one year my mother was in the hospital with severe GI issues during 'the holidays' and wound up getting an IVC umbrella filter surgically implanted in her aorta at midnight on Christmas Eve. Believe me when I tell you none of us were in the mood to celebrate anything that year, so we didn't. We all wished Jesus a Happy Birthday & that was about it for 2011.

Do what YOU feel you want to do, and nothing more. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer here, my friend. Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult time in your lives.

Let them happen as they always did would be what I would do. I have seen my bro through hospice and now have a friend with liver cancer coming home to die with Hospice. She is well able to laugh and appreciate life when she's awake. She is our guide as to who she wants around her and what she wants things to be like. Let your Mom's wishes rule now. Do what feels right to your Mom and to you. This passage is one we all will make. It is as much a part of life as birth is. There are no rules. It's all up to your Mom and you.

My dad was in active Hospice all during the Holidays. He was adamant that his condition NOT have a negative effect on the family's usual activities.

We cut back a little on the parties. We met as a 'family' in the upstairs family room of YB's home. Dad could hear a little of what went on, but he was happy we were all together.

We had several younger grands and a few great grands to consider.

Personally, I slipped away from the party and went downstairs to dad's room to sit quietly with him. I held his hand and we talked a little. I used to have a lovely singing voice and he and I sang together a lot. He asked me to sing to him, so I did, maybe for a half hour, IDK. He was lying there, holding my hand and tears were streaming down his face.

He passed, peacefully, quietly and with the dignity that personified my daddy, 45 minutes into the New Year.

His last gift to me was letting me know I was loved. My last gift to him was thanking him for loving me.

And isn't THAT what Christmas should be about?

I did it for the solace it gave to others.

No choices “felt right”, but we were together with a fire in the fireplace and the tree and the children.

As THE CAREGIVER nothing was right for me, but in retrospect, that was OK too.

I think we each chose some personal food or gift or decoration that meant Christmas to us, shared what we’d brought, and went home early.

Summing up, do what makes you feel good, and respect the feelings of all involved as much as possible.

Keep the memories of Christmases that were brighter in the past. Keep the hope that the memories of your mother and her life may brighten your Christmases in the future.

When my husband was completely bedridden in our living room for the last 22 months of his life and under hospice care, I did my best for my children's, grandchildren's and even my husbands sake to keep the holidays as "normal" as possible, as I knew that this time was precious to everyone, and that there would come a day when these holidays would look very different.
I had my children bring some of the food, so it didn't all fall on me, and at Christmas I usually just ordered all the gifts online, so didn't have to worry about getting out and about, since I was my husband 24/7 caregiver.
For me it worked. And I'm grateful for the last several holidays we all had together, as I know my husband was happy to have his immediate family with him, despite his many health issues.
But you have to do whatever works for you and your family. If that means you just order takeout, so be it. As long as you enjoy whatever time you have left with your mom, that's all that really matters.
God bless you.

I am in total agreement with you on eliminating all the stressful holiday activities and focusing on keeping Christmas close and quiet. Last year we invited my brother and mom's grandsons with their small families on separate days a few weeks before Christmas. We didn't do gifts at all. We had grinders for lunch and cookies for dessert. Mom was able to see and enjoy her great granddaughters. We all got to enjoy our family without all the hustle and bustle of shopping and cooking. It worked out well for the young generation too because their schedules get quite complicated at Christmastime with step families, in-laws, out of town travel, and so on. Mom doesn't remember the get togethers now, but we have many good photos to treasure. We may do something similar this year.

Small gathering - get take out and have a tree

With mother, I’d suggest that you talk about old Christmases she might remember, and all the cooking – including anything funny that went wrong.

With the rest of the family, I’d suggest that you schedule times for them to call in on mother to see her, perhaps for the last time. Once again, talk about old Christmases. Ask your sister and BIL around for a drink and nibble at the end of the day, and specify ‘no gifts over $10’. That makes it easy to pick up a little box of chocolates from the supermarket, no stress. You can all go over what you remembered to talk to mother about – it will probably be different, and spark a longer ‘old times’ conversation. It could still be a quiet but special Christmas for you all to remember.

Best wishes, Margaret