He is suffering because of his mistakes, should I try and make him feel better?

Ask reflective questions, i.e., How do you feel about . . .
Listen. You don't have to do any more than listen and respond in a neutral way.
IF you respond in a pro or con, it may also negatively affect you and you want to avoid this.
* This is done.
* Why do you want to 'hold him to account' --- for what ? what he has done? Why would you want him to do that since he can't do anything about it? Consider your 'end plan' - and the point of how you proceed. What do you want to get out of this?
- Would holding him accountable now for the past change him from the present into the future? Likely not with the exception of not having the finances to do what he may want to do (and/or you/r family).
* No, you do not have to 'hide anything'. You speak in the 'shoulds (or should nots here). The shoulds are a sign that something isn't right, perhaps guilt induced or some emotion you feel conflict about - (which, I understand is part of the reason you posted this here for feedback/support).
* You don't mention if your dad has dementia or his age.
* Realistically, you 'telling' him to let things go, including the stress, and enjoy life would not make any difference. What he feels / does is internal and his 'MO' for perhaps his entire life.
* I suggest all that you could do now in a positive move is assist or take control (as you can) of his finances so he doesn't continue to make poor financial choices.
* IT IS IMPORTANT to know his cognitive functioning - in order to know how to talk to him. Key though is you getting out the frustration and anguish you feel - and I feel it is better if you 'get it out' in a therapy session, talking to family or friends, and not him. How you speak to him may (?) keep his stress going, i.e., feeling bad about what he's done and how; feeling frustrated and sad for you/family that is missing out due to his decision making from the past.
* It is water under the bridge. I'd say
(1) take care of yourself as you need to;
(2) try reflective listening - reflect back what you hear him saying - so he can talk about it - get it out and you remain neutral.
(2a) You could talk about self-compassion and what this means to you in a more objective way for him to consider. ... after you consider what it means to you! It could be a good conversation opener (for both of you perhaps).

Gena / Touch Matters

We all have made choices that we later regret. It might help your dad to know he is not the only one with regrets in life. Then, tell him that you admire that he is doing something about his past choices - to fix ones he can and to not make similar choices now. Let him know if his past choices have hurt you or others as reinforcement to not continue on that path, but reassure him of your love and support in his efforts. If you can find ways to forgive his past behavior that will help your stress levels.

You and he are doing good - even if he never finally redresses all the wrongs - since you are making efforts together.

My situation sounds like it could be similar to your situation. If it is I'm sorry.

My dad is a nice enough guy. He worked hard. He received a few inheritances that should have set himself and his family up for a comfortable and happy retirement. But he liked to gamble in the stock market. Anytime he had any little money he'd "invest" until it was gone. He worked until he was unable to work anymore at 78 years old. He has no assets, no savings, no house. Absolutely his fault.

Although he regrets his choices he says random things that show he'd do it again. When he says these things I blow up inside. I'm furious and hurt all over again. When I go home to visit I'm angry all over again. I wish I knew how to get past it. Therapy helps a little but not much.

For some crazy reason I feel guilty for him being on Medicaid and in nursing home care. It feels like I should do more and be a 'good son.' But that's that's a mistake. I have to remind myself that his mistakes should only hurt him. If quit my job, moved across the country, cared for him at home then he'd be happy - I'd be a 'good son.' I'd also be screwing myself and others by perpetuating the cycle of burdening future generations for my choices.

So how do I deal with it?

I remind myself that his mistakes should not be passed on to future generations. I protect my family by taking care of myself. I do what I can reasonably do to support his needs; I remind myself that his wants are not my problem. I remind myself not to screw myself or anyone else to make him happy.

He never apologized. Now with his dementia he never will. I've lost my temper with him when he says I should do certain things for him. I'd like to punch him in the face but that's illegal.

If you figure out how to unfeel a guilt that you did nothing to cause then please let me know.

I think this is the last task of life, to feel you have done well. That sort of "have I been a good Mom or Dad?" at the very end.

I don't know what your Dad has unresolved, whether financial messes, relationships or regrets. But if he is open to disclosing, is there something he can now do to improve or lighten his regret?

I once talked to someone (ostrich, good choice of word you used) who had covered over their debt with more debt then added guilt & so shame festered.

When first asked how to turn this around he was full of denial & defensiveness.

But once he owned his mistakes, accepted he was not perfect, was a good guy really who just stuffed up a bit - he found a way to make things a bet better. Heaviness of regret/shame lifted.

Like if you have a huge credit card debt, you can still feel good about yourself if you make a payment plan.

Or if old relarionships were left with scars, penning an apology letter can help.

Maybe your desire to smooth things can help him to find his own resolution?

From what I know the last " perfect" person was put on a cross.
We all make mistakes. Some small, some big, some HUGE.
While you should not "smooth" things over you can do your best to reassure him that you will help him as much as possible to take care of what you can.
While you can help him do not take over, let him do as much as possible that will help reinforce that there are consequences to choices that are made. With that hopefully he will not make more bad choices. HOWEVER if this is an ongoing problem and he continues to make bad choices you can not help him fix something that he continues to undermine.
That is all anyone can do.

Kitchenwitch, my dad made really bad choices in his life. He was a successful business owner that chose a wife that bankrupted him. So he went from a millionaire to living solely on his SS, he had $50.00 a month to call his own.

When he was sick, near death, totally broke, his wife divorced him. He had let her alienate him from everyone that loved him, for years.

That's when I got a call for help. Did he tell me what was going on when he asked for help? Nope! Told me that he was building a barn, wanted to move to my city to start a new life, he was divorcing her and he was doing great.

OMG, we went to help him move and wondered if we would be transporting a corpse.

Of course I couldn't not help. He was obviously dragging bottom and needed someone to give a care.

So, we brought him home, I knew that a comfortable place to be, a nice bed, good nutrition and a safe place would be so beneficial for him.

He was telling me that he was going to save up for deposits and get new furniture and start over.

Then he ends up in the hospital, he wasn't going to get better without some serious medical intervention and the odds of him recovering at all were pretty low. This was day four at my house.

I took over all of his finances, I was believing he would get better, that's when I found out that he was paying for his ex-thang, had sold a trailer and she took the money, meaning he had committed a crime and the new owner wouldn't be getting a title until this was taken care of. His plan was to keep paying for his whore and bailing himself out of the fraud, all while lying to us and living under our roof. AAAAHHHH! Who does that?

Anyway, it was a great eye opener for me. I couldn't pay the price for his choices. I couldn't kiss it and make it all better, I couldn't own his actions. I forgave him for what had come before and I was gutted that he came into my home under such false pretence.

I decided that he would have to own his actions. I cut his ex-thang off, I closed accounts, I cancelled insurance, phones, auto pays, everything, I saw the divorce papers, he didn't owe her a penny.

Then I nursed him through the hospital stay, 60 days of rehab, I took him to see his family 1200 miles away and I put him in a board and care that he could afford. He was pizzed, he told everybody that would listen how awful we were. The sad part, he never said a word to me. He was getting hauled to his appointments, he was being taken out to lunch, dinner, long drives, lots of enrichment activities, so he couldn't tell me without risking me being so available to help him.

He was so mad that it actually motivated him to get it together. He had dementia but, wasn't unsafe or very advanced, proper care and nutrition allowed him to get well enough to go live by himself.

Him having to deal with ALL the feelings, emotions and consequences of his choices actually improved the quality of his life.

Was it tremendously hard for me? The hardest thing I have ever done. It was worth the tears, heart ache and internal battle to see him doing what he wanted and finding some happiness, without conning me or anyone else. It made a difference for him, I believe. I saw his relationship with The Lord Jesus grow and bring him the first peace he had known in my lifetime.

I think stepping out of the way and letting adults own, process and accept what their choices have done, to themselves and others is a very good thing. I think it is really important, especially at the end of life, to make right, apologize and take responsibility for what we have done.

That's my experience and thoughts about protecting a parent or anyone from the reality of their choices.

I hope you find your way through this with peace and certainty in your heart.

I never made the present about his past, it was what it needed to be and I dealt with him on a daily basis. If he was ugly yesterday, that was yesterday. I don't believe in reminding anyone of their transgressions. We all have stuff.

He recognizes he has made mistakes. He is correct; he made them and they have terrible consequences for him, AND for you. There is no reason to make pattycakes over that. Tell him he made the mistakes and there is a consequence to that, and that you recognize he is sad and sorry, but there is no way to go back and undo the past. But there IS a way to make things better NOW, and that's to accept the mistakes were made, and to move on with as much GRACE as he can muster, for his own sake and for yours. Reassure him that you will be there for him within your own limitations, and help him when you are able, but that in order to spend time with him that needs to be something that lifts him up, not pulls YOU down; that would be unfair. Try to find pastoral or other care for him so that he can unload some of what he feels and get help on a psychological basis. Know that there are consequences and that you cannot be all the answers for him. He is repeating this half hoping that someone can convince him it is OK. It isn't ok. But it is done and in the past, and it isn't ok to make this about his mistakes going forward. He may be suffering from depression. Discuss with him and with his doctor some low dose anti depressants to see if that might help. Get all your paperwork done first off, your POA to help him when he needs that, make certain his will is done, even if a simple online one.
I wish you good luck. Don't negate it. Don't do the "it's alright" thing. It is NOT all right and lying won't help anything. What is important now is the present and the future. The past is gone.

Ask yourself this question: How would I like to be treated during my last days/months/years on Earth knowing I made a lot of mistakes & already suffering 'anguish & stress' because of them? Would I like to keep being reminded of the grief those mistakes have caused me and my family members? Or would I like to be treated with love and kindness in spite of my mistakes so I can live out my final time in peace?


Before my father died, I reminded him what a great man he was and how much he'd accomplished in his life, not of the mistakes he'd made, of which there were plenty. At that time in his life, the last thing he needed was 'tough love' from ME! He needed to be comforted and assured that we all loved him in spite of his shortcomings, that's all.

You're entitled to your own feelings, of course. Whether you should make HIM aware of them or not is the question. What purpose would it serve? What's dad going to learn NOW, that he's old and sick, approaching the end of his life? It's a day late & a dollar short to 'learn' much of anything, imo.

Whatever is going on here, I wish the both of you the best of luck coming to terms with it.

Your dad has made his bed and now he's having to lie in it. That's the way life often goes, and quite honestly he will learn nothing from it if people like you keep bailing him out.
It's called enabling, and I can liken it to when my son was drinking quite heavily, and I was always there to bail him out, like paying his car insurance when he let it lapse, or pay other of his bills when he fell behind. I thought I was helping him, but with the help of Al-Anon, I was able to see that I was actually hurting him, by enabling him, and by not allowing him to have to deal with the consequences of his choices.
Once I stopped bailing my son out, and he knew that he could no longer depend on good old mom to bail him out anymore, guess what? He actually took responsibility and sought help for his drinking problem.
It's called tough love, and sometimes our loved ones need that more than they need someone to continue bailing them out. So while I don't know the specifics of what your dads issues are, just be careful that while your intentions may be good, that you're not enabling him, as if you do, he will continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.
Best wishes.

You don't say how old your father is or whether he has dementia or not.

Personally, I totally understand the intense frustration and built-up anger due to the mess he has created (and ignored). He is a full-grown adult and had the same opportunities as the rest of us to ponder big questions in life and prepare for the inevitable. Some people are just immature deniers. My in-laws were like that.

IMO it is you who needs to work on having peace in your heart regarding all of this. Primarily because venting at him will shut him down and punish him for something he now cannot fix. And if he has cognitive problems, then he is probably even less able to deal with it internally and externally. To date, if he has apologized and is acting more responsible/cooperative -- then I think this is as much as can be hoped for.

Then, when he can't have things he needs/wants you will just have to look at him and say, "oh well" and let him live with the retirement for which he planned (or didn't).

I went through such a struggle with my stepFIL. He was a ne'er-do-well who barely worked a day in his life, borrowed money from everyone and never paid them back (nor acknowledged the debt), and in the end when he needed care as Parkinsons wrecked his body and his wife (my MIL) lost her memory -- he assumed we would be his caregivers at his beck-and-call. Him, with an upside down mortgage, back property taxes owed, no property or assets and not a penny of savings. Us, both working FT in our business with 3 young sons and my own mother and 2 elderly sisters to help, not including my MIL (husband's mom, stepFIL's wife).

When SFIL didn't want to go into a NH for care he wouldn't assign a PoA or the Medicaid form that I had helped him fill out. I told him the only other option was for him to stay in his home by himself without me coming over every day and allow county social services to help him. He didn't like that idea at all. And that's when I just looked him right in the eye, shrugged and said, "oh well!". There was nothing we could do to make things "better" even if we wanted to.

The only way to hold your LO to account is to shrug and say "oh well" when he doesn't like the options for his care that are available to him, thanks to his lack of planning. You don't have to punish him...his lack of options is what will punish him.