My dad has congestive heart failure, prostate trouble, high blood pressure, is very hard of hearing, and has depression. He takes nine medications, including Xanax. He washes down his meds with beer. Other than a cup of coffee or a glass of tea, beer is what he drinks all day.
He refuses to do anything he is asked to do that will help him get better. He is also on oxygen full time. He frequently becomes verbally abusive, cursing and accusing everyone he knows of being a liar, a thief, and or conniving sneak. To top it off, his wife has dementia. She frequently has to call her daughter to come and get her out of their home because she fears for her life. Then she whines and complains because they won't take her home. They can not stand to be separated but can get along when together. She is driving him crazy because she "can't do anything" and can't remember anything. She will ask him the same question five times in the span of several minutes. He admits she needs help but refuses to get any because he doesn't want her to be "locked up". She and her family are afraid not to supply his beer because he has such a temper. But it is the beer that is the root of all the hostility. He feels like they need someone to stay over nights (not just anyone only a member of his family), she doesn't want anyone, family, friends, or paid caregiver. She said they do just fine at night. Within the last few nights he has walked around drunk and has fallen and cut his head. Does anyone know where to start? I am one of his six children. Two of my siblings live out of state, one is an over the road truck driver and is seldom home. When he is, he needs to be with his family. One sibling, who lives the closest to dad, says he can't deal with it. The burden has been placed on one of my sisters, and myself. Even though I am retired, I am limited in how much I can help because of my husband who is not very sympathetic with the situation. He sees him as an alcoholic, drug addict who abandoned his wife and children for another women. Other words, he made his bed now let him lie in it. The sister who is left to shoulder the burden has a supportive husband but also has a job and two school age children who need her. God bless her! She is trying to do too much. Can anyone out there offer advice. Thank you so much.
Sometimes we really want to help people, but if they are competent, we can't. However, I'd try Social Services and see what advice they give you.
Good luck,
Carol
I do agree with the comments made about the wife in this situation but do not totally agree with the comments about your dad. True addiction is not a choice. His wife is not competent and some intervention needs to be done on her behalf. The questions I have about your dad are how old is he, how much and for how long has he been drinking and taking Xanax, does his physician know about the drinking? Has anyone ever tried to intervene and get him help? It could be dangerous for him physically to stop without medical supervision. As an alcoholic in recovery who has been sober for several years it astounds me that many people continue to have poor understanding about the nature of the disease of addiction. Both of these people need help and I hope you can find some relief for both of them through sources outside of the family. While your dad may not want help it doesn't mean you need to throw in the towel and write him off. I thank God every day that my family didn't. There is a big difference between enabling and loving someone enough to get them the help they desperately need.
For his wife: Please call Social Services on her behalf. Ideally you would work together with her daughter to take this step, but clearly someone needs to advocate on this poor woman's behalf. Her husband cannot/will not. He daughter is the next logical person to look after her safety and well-being. She is (I'm guessing) probably as frustrated and concerned as you are, and equally in search of what to do next. In my opinion, what to do next is to get a professional involved. Social Services can explain the options available and how to take steps to implement an option once a decision has been made.
Obviously there is way more to this situation than you can put in a few paragraphs. But on the basis of what you have written my first concern is to get help for your father's wife, who has dementia and cannot help herself and cannot be expected to make decisions in her own best interest. A care center may be the best answer for her. No, she will not like that decision, and your dad will not like that decision, and it is sad to have to impose it. But it is also sad (and dangerous) for her to remain in a situation where she fears for her life.
As for you father, Carol is right. If he is considered by law to be competent to make his own decisions, he has the legal right to make them, even if they are bad decisions and self-destructive. That is heart-breaking to those who want to intervene and help them. Social Services can explain options for him, too, and what limited role you can play in making decisions for him. Please take Carol's advice and start there.
In our culture we have two extremely strong values:
1. Respect for each person's independence.
2. Protection for vulnerable individuals.
Unless and until an adult is seen as vulnerable (because of dementia, for example), he or she is presumed to have full rights to make independent decisions. I don't mean to stop you from trying to help, but I think it best to be realistic about what is possible.
I appreciate your sharing you story and am truly glad you were able to overcome it all.
I could go on and on but I need to wrap this up. Bottom line, my dad finally realized what my mom was doing. It was painful, but I would tell him every time it happened. He saw what it was doing to my sister and to me and my family. My sister locks up all narcotics now in a safe. My sister has still messed up many times. She leaves a medicine bottle laying around, even for a few seconds, and my mom will have taken them. My sister is better but she will think things are better and then we learn my mom has taken 12 pills in 24 hours of a medicine that was suppose to be taken 1 every 4-6 hours (as needed). What I am trying to say is....If your dad can't drive then you have the upper hand. Get him help in a drug and rehab hospital. Medicare pays for a majority of the hospital stay. He can be admitted involuntarily. Call his doctors and tell the nurse.....I know with the new HIPPA Law, that YOU can't talk to me but I need to tell YOU some things about my father. Tell them EVERYTHING!
As far as your mom, she may want help but is afraid to say anything. She deserves to live out the remaining part of her life, not in fear. Please get her out of the situation.
I tell myself everyday that my mom's body is giving out. She doesn't have many more days left before her past and present addiction behavior will catch up with her. However, when she passes away, I will be able to sleep at night. I will know, in my heart, that I did everything I could do to save her. I told people. I shouted it out to her doctors, to my dad, to my sister, and to my mother. I can not watch her 24 hours a day. None of us can. We do all that we can do, to keep the house clean of any narcotics. I have stepped up and tried my hardest to get my mother clean. I have forgiven but not forgotten. If she was to pass away tomorrow, I will cry. I will mourn the loss of my mother but I will NEVER once say to myself that I wish I had done more to help her. I will sleep at night.
I wish the best for you and your family. Don't be afraid to "out" your dad in order to get him help. Don't be afraid to remove your mom. ASK FOR HELP FROM EVERYONE! Take the advice of the help you can get from the people who post and use the advice. Do everything you can do now, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. You will be comforted, as I am today, and you will say....I did everything that I could do, at that moment, to help my parents. I don't regret anything. I would regret if I didn't do anything. Do what your heart says to do. Don't put yourself in a terrible situation that has no good outcome but do what you know you NEED to do. What your heart tells you.